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|Fri, 05-15-2009 - 9:03pm|
My name is Jessica and I am 31. My husband Jeff and I have been married for almost 6 years. We have a four year old daughter and have been trying for a second for 3 years. I became pregnant in November 2008 and miscarried at 8 weeks, which has been the worst experience I have ever gone through. About three weeks ago, we went for a consultation appointment at a fertility center. I was so overwhelmed that I came out of it not wanting to move forward and trying to convince my husband that having one child was enough. He's not buying that. He really wants a second, and deep down, I do too. I just don't want it to be this hard.
Today has been especially difficult because I saw two of the women from my neighborhood out with their newborns. I want so badly to be happy for them and for the tons of other people I know who are pregnant, but all I feel is sadness. I look at their babies and struggle to hold back the tears. I look at their older children and wonder why they get to have younger siblings and my daughter doesn't.
I love our neighborhood, but I often feel like such an outsider. Since moving here three years ago, most of the women I know have been pregnant twice or are on their seconds. I hate the pity they feel for me and I often feel like they are uncomfortable around me. Is this normal? Are women who get pregnant easily uncomfortable around those of us who are challenged in this area? Sometimes I just want to move to a place where no one knows us and our struggles and we could start over and just tell people we were fine with one child. Of course, then there would still be the questions about when we are adding to our family.
I have read a couple of posts from those of you who are Christians. I realized tonight that beyond just the sadness, I feel like this has shaken my faith. How have you dealt with your questions?
Thanks for any support.