The Worst Day
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|Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:29am|
I'm just leaving a vent about perhaps something the rest of you feel, too... the hardest of the hard days in the life of an infertile woman... the day my period comes. No matter how little hope I have that I might actually be pregnant, that day I get my period each month is always the hardest and saddest for me. It's just the worst reminder that another month has passed without the thing I want most happening.
I feel like I'm on a two-week rollercoaster ride thru... well, you know where. The first two weeks (actually more like three weeks for me since I'm irregular) are having the period and then the build up to ovulation. Then, it's the waiting game for another two weeks (which I'm kind of past believing will be successful, anyway)... and then it's that worst day, when the period comes. Fun??? Oh, yeah, let's do it again... and again... and again... and again. And you get the idea.
Here's another thing that really bothers me... infertility is just all-consuming. Much moreso for the wife than the husband, I think. It really takes all I have just to deal with this and I find myself unable to handle much beyond that. So, little stresses that we ordinarily have in our lives just kind of put me over the edge. Which is what happend about two weeks ago when I was ovulating. So, given my mood and my relationship with my husband at that time, we were not in the right place to make love to try and conceive a baby.
Does anyone talk about that? That when it's the right time to be trying to make a baby, neither partner is up for it???
So, this month, there will be no doubt whatsoever about getting my period. In the sense that I'm glad I don't have to wonder at all this month whether or not I might be pregnant, I'm also sad and wondering if we had been able to pull ourselves together... might this have been the month?? Well, I guess I won't know now. Another opporutnity lost.
It's funny, before I ever really tried to have a baby (last year at 34), I never really thought much about my period... it was just something annoying that happend monthly. Now it has a significance I never dreamed it could have.
Also... prior to us trying to have a baby, my husband had a vasectomy done many years ago (before me) but then he had the vasectomy reversal done a year ago. So, in the years we've been making love, it was never about conceiving a baby. And, even now, I cannot relate the two things in my head. Making love and conceiving a baby just don't seem to go together... for me. Just making love and having a baby seems... too easy. Weird, huh? There's a part of me that thinks, oh, people are probably just ordering babies out of a catalog somewhere... I need to track that catalog down so I can order mine, too! :)
We're looking at moving forward with IVF, now. So, I guess I was right in that just making love and conceiving a baby, for me, would be too easy. I hate the invasive, unnatural, violating process of IVF, but as a good friend keeps reminding me, I would be able to get past all of that and forget it if at the end I was holding my husband's baby in my arms.
Thanks for letting me vent.