The Worst Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
The Worst Day
6
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:29am

I'm just leaving a vent about perhaps something the rest of you feel, too... the hardest of the hard days in the life of an infertile woman... the day my period comes.  No matter how little hope I have that I might actually be pregnant, that day I get my period each month is always the hardest and saddest for me.  It's just the worst reminder that another month has passed without the thing I want most happening. 


I feel like I'm on a two-week rollercoaster ride thru... well, you know where.  The first two weeks (actually more like three weeks for me since I'm irregular) are having the period and then the build up to ovulation.  Then, it's the waiting game for another two weeks (which I'm kind of past believing will be successful, anyway)... and then it's that worst day, when the period comes.  Fun??? Oh, yeah, let's do it again... and again... and again... and again.  And you get the idea. 


Here's another thing that really bothers me... infertility is just all-consuming.  Much moreso for the wife than the husband, I think.  It really takes all I have just to deal with this and I find myself unable to handle much beyond that.  So, little stresses that we ordinarily have in our lives just kind of put me over the edge.  Which is what happend about two weeks ago when I was ovulating.  So, given my mood and my relationship with my husband at that time, we were not in the right place to make love to try and conceive a baby. 


Does anyone talk about that?  That when it's the right time to be trying to make a baby, neither partner is up for it??? 


So, this month, there will be no doubt whatsoever about getting my period.  In the sense that I'm glad I don't have to wonder at all this month whether or not I might be pregnant, I'm also sad and wondering if we had been able to pull ourselves together... might this have been the month??  Well, I guess I won't know now.  Another opporutnity lost. 


It's funny, before I ever really tried to have a baby (last year at 34), I never really thought much about my period... it was just something annoying that happend monthly.  Now it has a significance I never dreamed it could have. 


Also... prior to us trying to have a baby, my husband had a vasectomy done many years ago (before me) but then he had the vasectomy reversal done a year ago.  So, in the years we've been making love, it was never about conceiving a baby.  And, even now, I cannot relate the two things in my head.  Making love and conceiving a baby just don't seem to go together... for me.  Just making love and having a baby seems... too easy.  Weird, huh?  There's a part of me that thinks, oh, people are probably just ordering babies out of a catalog somewhere... I need to track that catalog down so I can order mine, too!  :)


We're looking at moving forward with IVF, now.  So, I guess I was right in that just making love and conceiving a baby, for me, would be too easy.  I hate the invasive, unnatural, violating process of IVF, but as a good friend keeps reminding me, I would be able to get past all of that and forget it if at the end I was holding my husband's baby in my arms. 


Thanks for letting me vent.


 


 


 

KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
In reply to: underthesky
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 3:54pm

I hear you all the way!! I just think when I get my period, "well should have known it was not going to work" Last month was first month of our IVF cycle. Got my period before my PG test. It just seems I have this intuition that I am not pregnant.

***TTC since 2005. *In fertility treatments since 2007. *Clomid tx's X 4 with 3 of them BFN and 1 that I had 2 false BFP's before the official BFN. * 2009- IUI X3 with all 3 BFN's. *2010- 2 IVF's with both BFN's. * Taking break to pay off IVF bills unti
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: underthesky
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 4:37pm

I totally understand what you are saying about AF. Its like I beg her not to come but there are many times she does not come and I have to take meds and I am begging her. I feel like I am in a constant struggle with my body in that department.


However I am now finding myself in the problem of trying to concieve a baby feels more like a chore then the fun it is supposed to be. I completely understand what you mean when you say you and your DH are not in the right spot to try when it is time to ovulate. I find myself thinking about the timing and making sure other things are right instead of the joy. Before we realized having a baby would be work for us me and my DH were not lacking in the romance department but now I feel like it is more something to check off the list of things to do instead of being swept up in the moment.


Do you ever feel like BD when your not ovulating is like wasting it? Sometimes I feel like that too which is terrible.

Dixie


M/C November 2009


Metformin December 2009


Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(


Clomid #2 100mg May 2010

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
In reply to: underthesky
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 5:17pm

I think any and all emotions we have at this point are valid.

KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: underthesky
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 5:35pm

Oh I know what you mean about spending all that money on pregnancy tests. I bought so many it almost became a joke. Eggs, milk, pregnancy test, bread. It was terrible...........


I hate that we have to be in this struggle too, it is so unforunate. I am doing the ovulation tests too, which I feel are just taunting me. I still have yet to be able to ovulate naturally or have my period regularly so it just becomes a constant let down.


The nice thing is we are all here for one another. At least we can get the support here that perhaps our husbands just do not understand how to give all the time.

Dixie


M/C November 2009


Metformin December 2009


Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(


Clomid #2 100mg May 2010

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: underthesky
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 9:26am

I completely relate to all the pain, stress, and emotions. I have been trying for over 8 yrs to have a child with my DH. Every month that goes by just reminds me how my body does not work the way it is suppose to. There are many times where I ask why even BD when I know it is not going to work. My hormones are so out of whack that there are times I believe I might be pregnant and wham a FAN.


The hardest part for me is to watch family and friends have babies over and over again and never me. I have a DD who just turned 13 and my husband has raised her as his own but I see in his face when his brothers are having babies and he does not have one of his own. He has not had the chance to raise a baby, change a diaper, and watch all the changes they go through. I so want to give it to him that at times I feel that I am only hindering it with all the stress and emotions.


Every month is a disappointment when AF shows or don't shows. I feel like I have become custom to it and numb that I do not talk about my feelings to often. I have my first IVF in July and scared out of my mind. I have so many thoughts if it works don't works. I have forced my self into believing it has to work. I am glad I have found this board since I could not go through this alone. I love that I have a shoulder to cry on and ears to vent to.

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2002
In reply to: underthesky
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 8:10pm
Yep...I wish that

TTC #1 October/November 2009


BFP December 14th, 2009 :)