another failed month
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| Fri, 04-04-2008 - 3:43pm |
Hi all,
Just wanted to vent. Just got the call from the clinic, 3rd failed IUI.
I guess we will do the 4th IUI and see what to do after that, if there is an after. I just don't want to do a 4th. I'm tired of the disappointment, of the sadness every month that doesn't work. My opinion varies between trying to keep optimistic and thinking that this must be fate, maybe we aren't meant to be parents.
I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the grief of every month. I wonder if it would be better to stop trying, grieve once, and get it over with.
Sorry, such a downer. I just don't know what to do with how I feel. I want to stop crying, can't seem to right now.
Thanks for listening, hope you all are doing ok out there.
Lisa

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Hi Caren,
I think you are right, it will be good for other people to know that they are not alone.
Feel good this month... hmmmm... I am trying to find a good yoga class. I had been going to a place I really liked, but their schedule does not work for me anymore. Makes me sad, I really like it there. I will find another place.
I have been enjoying my wine, which is always nice. I have not been meditating, but I think that I will try to start this week. I got a cd and my DH is away for a business trip. The house is quiet, I have it to myself.
I am also working quite hard right now, at work, so that is a good thing. I like my job, alot actually, and I don't find it to be negatively stressful. I have two bosses, both of whom know exactly what my situation is, and they are both so supportive that I don't worry about needing something at work and not being able to ask. That's a big positive.
I am off to shower and get ready for the day. Good luck with your first appt with the doctor. Try to stay calm, it's an interesting first visit. I remember leaving feeling very overwhelmed by the statistics and uncertainties, not to mention the money involved. DH had to keep me calm. When I got past the initial anxiety (didn't take too long)it was actually a relief of sorts to know about our options. I hope your appt helps you.
Have a great day, I am thinking of you!
Lisa
Thank you again for you kind words! Yes, I will try to relax about the visit with the RE. It's not until the end of April and I will have ovulated by then so who knows, maybe I'll actually be pregnant by the time I go.
Great to hear you are enjoying your job. So am I, actually - very much so. It does help take my mind off everything. And most of the women in my department are not mothers and quite a few are older and not even married!
I did take a sick day today because I didn't sleep at all last night and have the worst AF cramps. I hardly ever take days off and I feel guilty for doing so, but sometimes it's necessary. I was also very depressed and anxious when I woke up, but I'm much calmer now.
Take care and speak soon,
Caren
Lisa--
I know your frustration.
Mel
TTC for 6 years
Multiple rounds Clomid-BFN
4 IUI's-BFN
#1 IVF- BFP ending in chemical m/c
Thanks Mel,
I'm sorry that your IVF didn't pan out, in the long run. I guess it does have two sides... positive for the fact that you were pregnant, negative for the fact that it didn't last.
I will find out tomorrow if my doc approves going to IVF, and then we have to deal with the insurance, see if we are approved. I hope it's not too crazy and hectic, getting it all organized and figured out. My work schedule is nutty enough without all the other medical stuff added in.
It sounds like you are going for a 2nd round of IVF, is that correct? If so, I hope it works out for you.
Lisa
Caren,
Don't worry about taking time off. I had to take two days off work for a really bad cold and flu like illness. Had I been able to take a decongestant, I would have been able to work. In retrospect, I could have taken it, but I didn't know that the IUI didn't work. Oh well...
I also get pretty frustrated when I think about the all the things we have and have not done on months that did not work. We haven't made any weekend plans more than 1.5 weeks in advance. I have not taken medicine, taken injections, dealt with hormone effects and headaches... and I have not even done IVF yet.
Make sure that you like your RE, it's important to trust your doctor.
Have a good night, I am going to try to sleep now.
Lisa
HI lisa,
I hope you are doing well.
Chrissy,
No, you do not sound preachy. You make so much sense.
While I do not think about letting myself give in to god, I do realize that I lack a certain peace that many others have. While I have always been an optimistic person, an energetic person, I am not a peaceful person. I have the tendency to be a bit of a control freak.
If I look for the sense in the parts of my life that have not "cooperated" for lack of better word, I can easily find sense in some of them. I think that I am a significantly more patient person in my professional life due to some specific struggles that I have had with learning issues. I have patience for people that are working hard and potentially not achieving to the point of satisfaction. I know how to sit down with someone and help them figure out how to work better, not just more or harder.
As for my personal life, I am not so good at accepting. I think that when it comes to infertility, I just never thought that it would be such a challenge to become a mother. I also see the resistance that DH has to adoption and is scares me. I wonder about ( and fear) the day that we potentially find out a biological child is not possible and my DH is not ready to adopt. I fear the conversation where I have to wonder if our marriage will last, as he does not want to adopt and I cannot imagine growing old, not being a mom.
I know that this is getting ahead of myself, IVF may work and it may not be necessary to even think about this potential issue. I just know that I love my DH so much and I don't want to imagine that there is a wall that we may not be able to get past. I am assured by many that women frequently accept adoption before men, that the men "get there" when it's necessary and love their adopted children as their own. I just can't get past that fear, maybe that's what you meant by just letting go. Don't try to control the fear, let it go and accept its presence. Let it run its course. (Maybe she can be taught? :)
Anyway... I should go. I will think about what you said. You are a wise woman, I appreciate your sharing your thoughts.
Lisa
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