Been Here and there and Everywhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Been Here and there and Everywhere
13
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 2:53pm

Hi Everybody.

I'm a serial lurker, who's posted on boards such as TTCYFC, Am I Pregnant?, PCOS, and Birth Control. That's pretty much my history. Last year, I was TTC with my bf, with no luck. In my earlier days, I would post on Am I pregnant when my AF didn't show. I was diagnosed with PCOS, so I posted on that board in hopes of finding some answers and inspiration to cope with this diagnosis, which came when I called the doctor about my late AF, which had been very regular in the months preceding, and the tactless nurse told me, "Well you have PCOS, so pregnancy is unlikely". In that moment, I felt like she said, you'll never have children. Lastly, I went to Birth Control after I made the decision while being examined by the doctor to start bcp. I have since stopped those after only taking them for one month because I bled a lot during my cycle. That was last month.

I had a cycle on May 24th, and the longer it takes for my cycle to come, the more I'm reminded of how terribly broken I am. I get so depressed, I cry, I feel ashamed, and sometimes I hate myself. I feel like I'm being punished for something I've done. Maybe it was being a promiscuous teenager that has led me to this point. I look at my mother, my aunts, and my grandmother, who had seven children by the way, and I wonder why I'm this way. PCOS doesn't run in my family. No women in my family are infertile, so why me? I prayed last night that God just help to let go of my dream of wanting to be a mother, so at least it wouldn't hurt so bad. If the desire to bear a child wasn't there, I wouldn't feel like I was missing something, know what I mean?

I have a friend who is my age who has just had her third baby in four years. How does that happen???? How do you just get pregnant back to back to back?? I don't know if any man could really understand this pain, and it makes me so sad to know that I may never be able to have the family I dreamed I would.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 3:09pm

((((missnia211))))


I'm so, so sorry that you are having issues TTC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:20am

Oh hon (((HUGS)))


I think we have all been there, I know I have been all over the boards trying to find a place where I fit, where I can feel like the other people can understand me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:18pm

Hi Karla : ) I'm feeling a little better today. You would think that after over a year I would be able to deal with this. That maybe I would've come to terms with the whole situation. That's not the case. Some days are just much better than others where I feel like I can cope. My doctor never offered anything other than BCP for me, and I guess that was because i'm not TTC. I would rather have something like Metformin to help with the insulin, although my levels were good. No RE. Hopefully it won't get that far. I've been reading some ladies threads on other boards and I hate that we have to go through so much for children and some just blink and they're pregnant.

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:24pm
Thank you for the warm welcome. I don't want to claim infertility since i'm not TTC, but even my cycles aren't the way they were when I was younger. But anyway, no need to wallow in no kind of sorrow. I'm glad I found you all. How do you cope?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:56pm

(((missnia)))


I know this is so hard...but I really think you need to find a new doctor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:43am

Hi missnia.

~ Jessica


visit my family blog at: lifeinthefunzone.blogspot.co

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:32am

I remember you too Jessica. Names look kinda different without the "cl" in front of them. I am seriously considering changing doctors. I hope they don't give me too much hassle cause I have quite the gynecological history (had a LEEP performed in 2005 as well). My current OB/GYN told me that would make me high risk, anyway, but even then I was still optimistic. Her whole attitude toward my PCOS is we'll cross the TTC bridge when we come to it. But I do want a more proactive doctor. I've become very educated in PCOS and TTC in the last year and with me not having regular cycles, I would've thought they would've done a little more. I *know* it doesn't help that I smoke, but I get so depressed and disheartened. I guess it's like rebellion. I had quit and then I was like, what's the point? KWIM? But like I said, some days are better than others.

I was thinking that I would hold off on looking into things until I was again ready to actively TTC, but I'll be 25 this year and while that's still young, I never envisioned myself giving birth to my first in my 30's. And after reading some of the stories on this board, I'm not sure I want to have to go through all of this. It's heart breaking. I broke down at work when that nurse brushed me off. I felt like she was laughing at me for even thinking that I could get pregnant. And for whatever reason, my body is so cruel. The longer my cycles get, the weirder the hormones, or maybe it's a lack of hormones that make me feel this way. I'm increasingly angry, bbs and nipples aching, sometimes nauseous, which always happens pre-AF, but when it's a long cycle, it's easy to hope, even though I know the very predictable ending.

In the meantime, I try to keep myself busy. Busy at work (although I'm typing this message now lol), busy at church, and busy with family. Most days, it's easy to ignore this dark cloud over my head, but I still know it's there. Anyway, I'll be around here until...

Thanks for writing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:11pm

I used to smoke, too.

~ Jessica


visit my family blog at: lifeinthefunzone.blogspot.co

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:34pm
When you say pain on your right side, what do you mean? I don't really have body pains. Just what's become my normal cramps, although the cramping and bloating is prolonged, like two weeks, before I actually start to bleed. In high school and college I was birth control to regulate my cycles, which were sometimes very long, but mostly just really heavy. I used to take 2400mg of ibuprofen a day for cramps. I did south beach for a while, got used to the diet, but I didn't really like being slim. Although I weigh 235, I'm 5'8 and pretty solid, so when I lost the 40 pounds on south beach, I almost looked sick. I'm not a junk food junkie, I just don't eat right (like six small meals a day). I usually only eat like twice a day, which doesn't do anything for your metabolism. I need to change my eating habits. Thank you for all the advice. I am really going to get started on this.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 5:47pm

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear - I was writing quickly at work.

~ Jessica


visit my family blog at: lifeinthefunzone.blogspot.co

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