Depressed confused and a horrible person

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Depressed confused and a horrible person
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 7:00pm

Ok I have a really really really long story and I thank you for reading it if you read all of it. I will try to shorten it as much as possible.

Ok so I am 25 I got married at 19 and on our 1 year anniversary I got pregnant. I lost that baby and me and my ex started trying to concieve after that. Well we had no luck and we went through 2 rounds of clomid and a round of HCG shots before we ran out of money. So then we started with foster care and while doing this my ex told me he had been sleeping with other women and got one pregnant and basically told me to get out.

Ok so now I am married again. Before we got married we had talked about him getting a vasectomy reversal and trying to concieve. Well now he has decided that it would just be better to adopt and not even try because it will cost to much and that will take away from his kids and we live in a small town so that is a lot of driving back and forth and taking days off work and all that good stuff. Well I am only 25 and he is 37 with 2 kids of his own that live with us full time that are 14 and 11. Boy and girl. Well lately I keep thinking to myself is that if i were with someone else maybe i could get pregnant. I love my husband dearly but I just keep thinking this over and over. I am not ready to close the door on me carrying my own child. I just don't know what to do and I am so confused and I feel like a horrible person! I am a horrible person and I know most of you are reading this thinking of how bad i am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 7:40pm
I think there are probably far worse people than you for what you are thinking, so the first advice I'd give you is to stop being so hard on yourself! My situation is somewhat similar in that my husband had two adult children, but was very willing to have a vasectomy reversal for me. And, yes, ilove him to pieces for that. What you really need to try to understand is a few things. First, a decision like this can be a make us or break us type of decision for a couple, and you and your husband need to understand that. Neither one of you is right or wrong, but you both really can't have what you want. I would hope you husband might come to understand that for women, eventually wanting a biological child is like their biological drive for sex. As men and women, this is just how we are programmed. Second, you NEED to talk to him. He absolutely needs to know all of your thoughts on this... Including potentially leaving the marriage. Pretty tough stuff, but I hope you both love one another so much that you can get this worked out!
KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2008
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 7:48pm

Ok first of all.. YOUR NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON.. don't tell yourself that! I can understand where your coming from, and that hurt causes us to have terrible thoughts form time to time.. id say its only natural. Althought not all of us think exactly the same, I bet your not the first to feel this way. I can't imagine my dh telling me no more or less..that in itself is pretty devestating, then to add your past into the equation... I think you need a big HUG! Im really sorry youve had such a rough road. Back with your ex, did you ever see a dr or an re while you were taking the clomid? Obvisouly thats a pretty silly question but i was just wondering if you and your dr had a thumb on what or if there was a problem. Anyways im glad you found this board.. these women are great and very helpful. I encourage you to talk with you dh more about the situation.. also maybe give some thought to donor sperm if your dh is just set against his reversal. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2010
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 9:07pm

I am so sorry that you are going through (and have gone through) so much on your journey to conceive a biological child.

Kelly (31) DH (32) TTC Since June 2009 August 2007 - Myomectomy - removed large fibroid on back of uterus January 2010 - HSG reveals "possible" blocked left tube March 2010 - First RE visit (PCOS secondary to CAH diagnosed) April 2010 - October 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 10:18pm

You are aboslutely not a horrible person. IF is hard. I know it has taken a toll on my marriage. Sex for us is more of a chore then a pleasure and there are days we argue over the money. However I know we both want the end result of children. Have you talked to your husband about the joy he has having children that are his, with his traits that he got to watch grow from u/s, to birth and on? Perhpas you need to remind him of the joy that he felt then and then tell him you want that too. I am sure he felt something when he had his children and you deserve the same chance.

The other side of the coin is that he has to know this is a serious issue. Even if he did not have the kind of feelings with his own kids your happiness should be one of his top priorities. I know that my DH and I say all the time that marriage is about putting the other persons feelings above your own. Perhaps you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH about what you want in this relationship.

At the end of the day you have to decide are you ok not having children or not having your DH? In the end you might have to choose one and he needs to realize that too.

I wish you much luck and know that there are tons of women here to support you.


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
Thu, 10-07-2010 - 10:50pm

I think all the other ladies have already given a lot of good advice with the most important aspect being that you need to fully make all your feelings and desires known to your husband.


TTC #1 since Feb '09 with Unexplained Infertility: SA's all ok; b/w and HSG ok; Lap Mar '10 - mild endo on outside of right tube/uterus removed but not considered eno

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2010
Fri, 10-08-2010 - 9:56am

So, I know you've heard it a lot already, but you are definitely NOT a horrible person.


Mom to 2-year old twin boys, Dawson & Devin

TTC #3

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Fri, 10-08-2010 - 9:44pm

Thanks to everyone!! You guys have made me feel a little better about the way I am feeling. I guess my biggest thing is telling him all of this cause I am afraid of the out come. I am so glad I found you guys cause I have been really depressed lately and I just am kind of at the end of my rope. Thanks again and I will keep you all updated! wish me luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2007
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 11:40am

Hi Delatdawn.

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