Drugged and depressed after surgery

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Drugged and depressed after surgery
13
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:27am

*WARNING* SERIOUS dumping to follow!! Read at your own risk!!

So, I decided to talk to my doc about having a lap to see if I had endo. I only have 2 cycles left on the Clomid, and I thought if I have something physically blocking things then I should get it checked out, right?? She listened to my symptoms, agreed with the logic, and said as it is such an invasive option they try to avoid it as long as possible. Perfectly understandable. So she scheduled me for a laparascopy and a hysteroscopy, both of which are the only ways to really tell what's going on internally.

You know, I have had few things in my life suck more than this experience. First of all, my surgery got bumped because someone else had to have an IVF that day. So we decided I'd go in a day early. Only problem was I'd had a cold and was coughing, and was therefore terrified the anesthesiologist would send me home and refuse to do it. I lay there and waited in pre-op for well over an hour because another procedure took such a long time. Again, understandable. DH was with me the whole time, playing little word games and trying to keep me cheerful. Finally they came in and I was told my lungs were fine and it was a go. The only problem was, I'd been so worried they'd send me home (and rearranging both my and my hubby's schedules had NOT been easy) I never had time to think about the actual procedure!

I think there are few things as starkly terrifying as lying naked in a cold O.R. with doctors and nurses you don't know buzzing about. The anesthesia burned the whole way up my arm, and it took everything I had not to worry about the fact that a tube was about to be shoved down my throat and a catheter was going to be put in, not to mention the camera going into my belly button, the hooks going into my stomach, and the various and sundry other things that were about to invade my body. I lay there and tried to think of the tree we got married under, over and over, until I went out.

I woke up confused, in pain, and unable to see. It was most disconcerting. I was the last patient there, and all the nurses were staring at me (once I could actually see them) as I was in front of the nurses' station. I felt like they rushed me out of there so they could get home at the end of the day. Again, understandable, but all I could think was, no WAY am I able to get up and move! But somehow I did it. And I have to say, there is something distinctly disturbing about waking up in panties you did not put on. Not to mention the male nurse handing another nurse an extra pad "in case she gushes when she stands up." "Oh, what a good idea!" says the other nurse. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Moving on, got home and puked up every ounce of water I'd been able to get down. (Did I mention the bowel prep the day before, when I had explosive diarrhea hours on end and was not able to eat anything? Or that I had not had food for 36 hours nor water for about 14 hours by the time I got out?) Anyway, puking became my game, and I couldn't keep down anything solid for a couple of days. Got so bad the doctor evidently told my husband that if I vomited once more I'd have to go back in and get opened up again to make sure they hadn't knicked my bowels. What I heard, of course, was if I puked I'd have to go through all of this AGAIN. Needless to say, there was no more puking.

In the end, it was the pain meds that made me so sick. Once we switched those life got more tolerable. Now, however, I find myself trapped in an endless malaise. I feel completely useless. I can't get pregnant right, I can't have surgery right (everyone else gets up and goes dancing the day after a lap!!!), I just can't do anything right. And my poor husband chose today to tease me about not feeling sexy or not meeting his needs or something else that was stupid to joke about. I feel so sorry for men. They try so hard, but sometimes they are SOOO freaking dumb.

So, here I sit. I just took a Percocet that was left over from a back injury last year to try and numb both the physical and the psychological pain. I know this isn't the best idea in the world. I know I'm not making much sense. But I just feel if I don't tell someone all of this I'm going to explode because no one is calling to see how I am, no one understands what this is all like--nobody gets it, you know? How many ways is my body going to be violated before I get a baby? If I even get one? How much of a blood sacrifice do the gods require, exactly??

How am I going to go back to work? How am I even going to get up in the morning? I'm too depressed to see my therapist, which I realize on some level is not exactly logical.

Is this normal? Am I normal? Or am I some major whack-job who has just responded really poorly to surgery? I assume lots of you have been through these procedures. Oh, I left out the most important part--they found nothing. I had a large area covered with a very thin layer of endometriosis. It would have hampered fertility to remove it. There were two tiny polyps on the outside of my ovaries that were in the way of nothing. They took them off. Basically, I went through this entire ordeal for NOTHING.

Bleh! I feel like I just puked again, all over the computer screen. Hopefully you were able to skim. I feel a little better now, at least psyche-wise. Thanks. This is literally the only place where I feel like I can get all of this out.

kris

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:59am

Kris,
Come here and let me give you the biggest biggest (((((HUG))))!!!!

I completely understand what you are going through, I had a similar not fun lap experience, ok no vomiting, but I had a reaction to the anesthesia and ended up being rushed back to the ER by ambulance because the meds made my arms and legs go numb and I could not move. All for the same results, they found NOTHING!!! Dealing with the emotions behind the lap, especially when they find nothing is sooooo hard, even to this day 1 year later I look at my scares and am sad, hurt, mad cause of what I went though, all to be no closer to the baby that I long for. I understand where you are coming from, I understand the emotional pain and physical pain you are in...((((HUGS))))

Please know that it does get better, I know that the first few days after the lap are the hardest, your body is tired and warn down from everything (lap, bowl prep, healing, etc.) Remember that it is traumatic for your mind and body so give it time to heal, its ok that you are not up belly dancing!! (I was not either! Who ever told you that you would be???) Don't self medicate! Its dangerous and its not going to help you! Go talk with our therapist, they will be able to help you though this. Get lots of rest, its time to take care of yourself. Your body needs you right now. Time to give body and mind a little TLC.

Feel free to dump as you need to, I totally understand where you are coming from!

Take care!!! And I hope you are back on your feet soon

Hannah

PS: Don't know if you tried it or not yet but a heating pad was my savior, it felt so good to just curl up with the heating pad. I hope you are feeling better soon!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 9:50am

((((KRIS)))))


Sending you a boat load of hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:14pm

Thanks. I can't imagine having to go back after all of that--especially in an ambulance.

As for self-medicating, I of course puked it up as soon as it started to work. But at least I know now for sure that it was the meds. My doctor called today, and she said the bowel prep completely emptied me, and that may have made me extremely sensitive to anything narcotic. I'm sore as anything, but I guess it's better than it was. And I now know that I will never get addicted to pain meds!

Thanks again for the support, from everyone. I often feel I have no room to complain. I have a wonderful husband and a very good life. It's just hard to work with babies every day and wonder if I'll ever get my own.

I appreciate so much having a place to come vent and feel like people are listening. We all want little ones so much, I really hope we end up with little ones suckling away!

kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 5:21pm

Kris,

It is so hard to deal with IF with babies all around as constant reminders, that just never gets easier and leaves us all with the same "its not fair" feelings. Lots of Hugs, cause man that one never gets easier!!!

Glad to hear that you talked to your dr. That bowel prep really is the worst, I know that it really did wipe me out too. I found it hard to eat for a while, but chicken soup (from the can) I could tolerate in really really small amounts, maybe the would help you. The laps are no fun, and its just one of those things that you just need to ride out, but know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also found that Tylenol worked just as well for pain as long as I took it every 4-6 hours as proscribed, maybe your body would tolerate that better right now.

You are welcome to vent, stomp, pout, cry, etc. here, everyone here is in the same place. It is hard to complain to others IRL because we do have things to be gratful for and we all have good in our life, the part that I think that sometimes gets over looked is that we also have a huge sadness as well. I know that for me some people IRL are just sick of it, tell me one other problem in life that people whine about for 3 years? I mean you dont like your job, you go get a new one, car is broken, get it fixed. Sometimes I find that people IRL dont understand that this is not something like this, that you just cant run out to the store and pick up a baby. Thats why a place like this is so important to me, it allows us to connect with others that truly know what is going on. Not just a friend who is leading a listening ear, but someone who really deep down to their bones understands.

I hope the rest of your day is easier to deal with, hopefully you are able to get some food in you. Take care! Keep me posted on how things are going, I will keep you in my thoughts.

Hannah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:06am
I just wanted to tell you that your not alone. I myself had a laparotomy( I have an incision like a c-section)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:40pm
Kris, Hope you are feeling better!! Marisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 1:49am

just an update; today i started having an increase in pain rather suddenly and developed a slight fever. went in to the doc, and she said that everything looks okay but that i shouldn't have these symptoms. it's not "alarming," but it is, "disturbing." if there is no change by tomorrow i have to have a ct scan. if my fever or pain spikes tonight, i have to call her and go to the hospital. dh is out of town on business. i am annoyed.

carry on, turtle doves! at least i have moved from depressed to irritated! love you all,

kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:03pm

Kris,

Oh man....you are having a ruff time huh? I understand moving on to irritated. I hope that pain and fever subside! Hope that the CT is not needed. Know that I am thinking of you!

Hope you feel better! Let us know

Hannah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:17pm

((((((((((((((Kris)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry I'm posting to you so late. I feel so bad for you. You poor thing. What a horrible ordeal. And the way the nurses just seemed so insensitive...how awful. Do they realize what a humiliating position you are in?? I guess they just don't think of things that way. They see this stuff every single day. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience with your procedure. I hope you are feeling better very soon.

Sending you tons & tons of (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Kori

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 2:21pm

Oh Kris,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Add the post-op pain to it and it certainly isn't getting any easier.

I had a lap at the beginning of March. While the doc did find some endo, I found out that my uterus is arcuate (heart shaped) which can lead to pre-term labor (if I EVER get pg) or miscarriage. Fun stuff, those laps. I had a bad response to the anesthesia, too. After coming out of recovery, the nurse asked me to stand up and get oriented, which was impossible due to my inability to focus on anything. I couldn't even open my eyes. She took out my IV and my blood pressure immediately dropped to around 70 over 50. Yikes. DH was there, luckily, but it was really scary. They had to re-hook the IV and keep me an extra 4 hours. I'm so grateful that my DH stood firm on them keeping me longer -- I was in NO shape to leave.

I think depression is totally normal after surgery, especially something like a lap. It's one of those things you can't talk about openly to everyone, and it takes you back to square one (as a pp said) with ttc again.

My heart goes out to you. You are super strong -- keep us posted on how you're feeling. I really hope you begin to mend quickly and that nasty pain subsides.

Sending you well wishes...

Katy

 

Mom to Zoie
Expecting #2 in May
Always Remembering Baby Boo (m/c at 16 weeks)

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