The Elephant in the Room
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 09-13-2013 - 10:45am|
It was something that I did everything to avoid talking about with my husband, my aching for a child and my issues with it.......I avoided it so much that I started to be angry with him. I felt like a boiling pot just waiting to boil over, I was anxious all the time and not to mention depressed. I hated seeing all of my Facebook friends and their joyous posts about finding out that they were expecting or the ultrasound pics and the most depressing parts were the pictures of their new bundles of joy.........I think that I have deactivated my account a million times....only to come back to see those pictures and later hating myself for doing that. I never told anyone of the times that I thought there was a glimmer of hope that I might be pregnant, I didn't want to face them later on when they would ask about the results. I was embarassed that I couldn't do what every woman my age that I knew was doing without fail. I hated when my family would ask how it was going and when my mom would tell me over and over again that she wanted some grandchildren. I just wanted to scream "I am doing everything I can but it just won't work I'm sorry my body isn't working like it should!!" I always felt under pressure.
Just the other day it was just too much for me to bear, my used to be close friend from high school had had her baby that morning and I thought I was about to fall apart. The reason that I say that is because this isn't the first time that she was pregnant, she had been pregnant two other times and terminated both of them not for good reasons.....also had tried to end her life on mulitple occasions and doesn't have a stable home for her new baby. I am in no way judging her but I felt that being that I had been married for 5 years at the time and had the house and the room designated as the nursery and everything that I should be sharing in this circle of women who were graced with motherhood.....so that day she had her beautiful baby girl I just fell apart. I got a text from my husband asking how my day was going.....this was my opening to really tell him all of the things I had kept inside all this time. So I told him that I had spent every minute of my day so far trying my hardest to hold back the tears that were on the verge of coming...that I was so sad that I could barely stand it. He immediately went to our lack of children, and so I told him that yes not having children was the main reason of my depression, that I felt that this was the one thing that was lacking in my life.....and so started the whole day of exchanging texts about this and our conversation that would also take place that evening that would change everything. I just couldn't hold it in anymore, I had questions that I needed answers to and I was determined to get them that day. Trying to hold yourself together at work is a lot harder than I thought, but I did what I could....so by the time I had left work I had found out that this need for a child made my husband question my wanting him in my life also that he felt that he was letting me down by not giving me what I wanted in life.....which upset me because of course I want him in my life, I always will...but yes I did feel disappointed by him putting the breaks on having children....I felt horrible even saying the last part to him because above all I didn't want to hurt him. But now was not the time to continue to hold in my feelings. So instead of going on more over text I said that we needed to have some time away from home for a little bit and just talk. So when I got home from work and got things settled at home we left for our talk. I was nervous, I wasn't sure that this would go the way that I wanted. Things actually went better than I thought it would, I thought that it would go the same as before where I talk then break down into tears and nothing gets resolved. BUT, it didn't.....I did find out things that he wanted to do all the things that we never got to....like go on a honeymoon, go watch the ball drop at Time Square for New Years.....I had to then shoe him that just because we have a child doesn't mean that our life is over we have a huge support system that would be more than willing to watch our child while we take some time away....so after speaking about that for a while he told me that he just wanted to make me happy so lets have a baby....that for some reason made me break down because I knew that if he felt that this was something that I forced him into that he would eventually resent me for it and I just couldn't live with that. So then I came out with it.....I asked him to answer me honestly "Do you actually want to have kids?" because ever since we started dating he talked about us having children so I needed to know. His answer was that he just wanted so much stuff and that he felt that this wasn't a good world to have kids in anymore....and that he knew that generations have been saying that forever.
I know that this is a long story and I'm sorry for holding out on the conclusion of all of this....so here it is. After not getting a definate answer I told him that I could live without having kids eventually but I needed to know so that I could prepare myself for the initial emotional toll the was going to take. In the end he said that he wanted children and that as long as we could make sure we would in fact have the support that I said we had we could go ahead with trying officially!! I am so excited to finally have some definate answers and we can prepare for the news of our soon to be baby. I finally gave that elephant in the room the boot and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I could just scream it to the world!!