How to even start..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2012
How to even start..
1
Wed, 05-02-2012 - 6:31pm

Even from a young age, I had the worst periods and had a very hard time with them. I had cramps that made me sick to my stomach and it was so bad I couldn't walk and I was never "regular". It was just something I was "used to". Finally I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go on birth control.  It was a miracle! Almost no cramps and every month I would get a period. Then it got the the point where I thought I would be fine without it, I wasn't sexually active and I could use the extra money. When I got off of BC, I ended up not having any periods, for about 8 months for no explanation from the doctors. After meeting the man that is now my husband, I got back on BC to prevent an unplanned pregnancy.  Then about 5 months after our wedding, we decided I should go off BC so my body wouldn't be affected by the hormones when we did want to start to try. I again, stopped having cycles. I am now 1 year of no cycles and the only thing my doctor can figure out is I have very high testosterone and my family doctor wanted me to see an OB. I went last week and she told me we would start the process of infertility.  I have had the hardest time coping with the word "infertility". It scares me that my only dream is to be a mommy may never happen.  She then took blood only to find out I didn't have PCOS, which I know sounds weird, but I prayed that was what was wrong, because then they could "fix" the problem. Now we are in the boat of what to do next. My husband is a blue collared worker, and I'm a nanny, we thankfully have insurance from his work, but the insurance company doesn't cover infertility. I called to see how much a sperm analysis and an HSG dye test would cost without insurance, and the price was close to $1000.  I am at a loss of what to do. I'm afraid of doing all these test to find out that there is a serious problem.  I am at a loss when I look around and see all these young, unmarried kids having kids. The unplanned pregnancies just chip away at my insides. I WANT a baby, and I'm prepared and stable in my marriage and I just feel bitter that that can't be me. My sister had two unplanned pregnancies, so its extremely hard to talk to her about this, and it just seems that everyone around me is pregnant. I'm at a loss of who to turn to.  My husband feels bad but he is at a loss on what to do, and everyone else is trying the, be positive bit, and for the people that doesn't have this issue, they don't get how upsetting it is.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, through all this rambling, is there anyone that can feel my pain? Is there anyone else that is in my shoes, because I feel so alone through this all.  What is something that has held you through this all. I pray constantly that someone is out that I can confide in a break down to because I just don't know what else to do anymore..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:38pm
I can definitely feel your pain. I just posted my story in the intros section. I don't think there are many people to talk to about this issue, but I have not experienced anything so emotionally difficult to deal with in my entire life. I hope you can find some peace knowing that even if you can't talk to people on this board face-to-face, there are others in the world who really do understand the pain you are feeling.

Big hugs,
Rachel