Hurts to see everyone around me having babies.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Hurts to see everyone around me having babies.
15
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 12:30am

Just need to vent. I went to a "reveal party" to find out what my sister in law and my brother are having. There were 4 others at this party who were pregnant. Its been 8 years since I had my son and I've always wanted to have 1 more and it's not happened and although I am happy for them, it just rubs salt in the wound having to sit through all that. Just hurts seeing everyone else so happy and having babies with no problems. When all I want to make my life complete is just 1 more. Thanks for letting me vent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 12:57am

I don't mean this in a bad way, although it may not sound very nice. Just know I don't mean it in a bad way. But you have something that some women only dream of having. You have a child, some women do not have any children because they can't, and maybe they can't afford adoption or invitro.  But you have that, every child is a miracle, isn't that enough? I am 9 weeks pregnant, and am just grateful that I am able to become pregnant. I  know nothing of my medical history since I was adopted, all i know is my birth mother had a problem with her uterus that didn't allow for her to carry me to full term. Aside from that I know nothing. For whatever reason I had convinced myself I was infertile. Turns out I was wrong, but even still I am just grateful for what I have, since like I said, many women out there would love to be mothers and have babies but just simply can't. And they would probably give anything to be in your shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 10:48am

It does hurt to see everyone around you having babies.  Even once you have a child, secondary infertility can be just as difficult to handle!   You have EVERY RIGHT to feel hurt and sad that what is so easy for others is difficult for you.  Especially for something as important and life-changing as having a child.  Please don't ever feel that you should just be grateful for the child you already have.  We all love our children and are grateful to have them but that doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't want another.  You are entitled to feel the way you feel and there are sympathetic ears (and eyes, I guess) here who can completely understand where you are coming from.  Please feel free to private message me if you want to talk if you don't feel comfortable posting here.  I have one beautiful daughter after a long and difficult struggle but we'd like more sometime soon.  It is hard to think about going through all the difficulty again, not knowing if it will work or not. One of the worst things to hear is to just be grateful when you already are happy with what you have but want to expand your happiness!

Heather

 

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 4:02pm

Of course you have the right to want more children.Why shouldn't you? I was just basically saying, its better to live life focussing on what you do have and not what you don't have/wish you had. Thats not a positive way to go about your day. My mom passed away when I was 15, I no longer have a mother to turn to now that I am pregnant. She isn't here to give me advice, answer my questions or calm my fears. And it's even harder knowing that babies were her life. She worked as a RN in the NICU. In fact thats how she ended up with me.I was born 3 months early and my birth parents just couldn't handle it and left me at the hospital and never returned. She adopted me. Now shes not here to enjoy this magical event in my life, and that sucks to not have her around. But instead of focussing on that, no matter how much it hurts I focus on what I do have and will have in 6/7 months, a beautiful baby. I am much happier thinking of those aspects in my life rather than the negative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 4:56am
Yes people should focus on the positive but you have every right to grieve as well. Thats just like someone telling someone going through IF and never had a baby at all to focus on all the other good things. You have so much else to be happy for people would say. However just because your married and have a house and a good job does not mean you should settle with just that if you want a family. Just because you have one child does not mean you should simply ignore the hurt over wanting more. Wanting another child does not diminish the love for a first.
This group here is made to be able to talk about all aspects of IF including the sadness of it with women who understand. Too much of society focuses on simply pushing down that sadness instead of talking about it. Just like I am sure at certain points you feel sad about your mother not being alive she feels sad about not having another mitacle. Im sure no one ever told you not to be sad at those points.
There will always be someone in a worse position then you and a better one. However that should never dictate your own feelings on a situation.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:15am

Amen, Dixie - thanks for posting too!

Heather

 

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 1:37am

What I said was taken out of context somewhat. Of course you have the right to want more children and of course you have the right to feel bummed out about it.

I have my moments where I wish my mom were still around, but I don't allow myself to get upset about it. I do not allow past/tragic events from 9 years ago inpact my present and future. Ive learned that for things I cannot change,and have no control over there is no use dwelling on it or getting upset. And thats all I am suggesting. To look at it in a different way. Is it so hard to just focus on the good things in life? If you didn't already have one child, that to me would be different.Because you would then be upset over never having the chance to even be a mother at all.Which is totally understandable,most women have that desire to be a mother. You have/are experiencing that at this moment. Some women never will get that chance. Think of the women out there that will NEVER get to be in your shoes ever. I am not saying you shouldn't want more children or feel bummed about the fact that a second one just hasnt happened. The post just comes across as sounding unsatisfied. This is just my opinion, I am usually thinking of those with less than myself, those who are ill, those who are homeless, or those who can't put food on the table or clothes on their childrens bak. Those with real world problems.And I never focus on what I don't have. I probably sound unsympathetic but like I said, try looking at your situation in a different light and be thankful for the child you are lucky enough to have.Don't be bummed about something you don't have control over. It won't get you anywhere.There are far, far, far worse things in life to worry and be upset about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 4:57am
No what you said was 100% understood I simply do not agree with it. This is the place that is meant to express that sadness that often others make us feel we are not allowed to have because "others have it worse", "its not the worst thing to happen", or "you have other things in your life to be thankful for". Once you have your child and watch them pass a milestone and realize you may never get to se it again you try not to feel sad. Comments like yours are the reason IF is still something women do not talk about.
I know that no woman still waiting for her first miracle would ever fault a mommy who already had children for being sad they are going through IF. Everyone has EVERY right to speak here about how certain situations bring the hurt more forward. That is the point of this group and I am so thankful I had women here who supported me instead of made me feel bad.
I think perhaps if this is the kind of comments you intend to make perhaps your type of "support" is unneeded here.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 12:00pm

Well I simply didn't think that suggesting someone look at their situation in a different/positive way was a bad thing. And thats all I was suggesting. Sorry for offering a different way to look at the situation that isn't depressing. If someone is asking for support on a public board to total strangers, the "support" they will hear is not going to be consecutive thinking for every person that responds. People offer different ideas, different types of support.Mine may not be what you would offer, but thinking positive and focussing on the good things works for all the tough spots I've been through in the last 10 years. If I dwelled on the fact that I was abandoned in the hospital as a premie, that my adoptive mother died infront of my eyes after liver failure, and that my ex fiance was having an affair a month before the wedding...I would be one depressed lady. But I just took those situations as learning opportunities, and learned that life deals alot of s****y hands. And alot of it we have no control over.So instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself (I had a few of those days) I decided, thats life, things happen, and things won't get better if I don't move forward and focus on the good things. You just have to roll with the punches, get up,dust yourself off and move forward.

As for myself, I do only intend to have one child. Because of my size I am too small to naturally deliver, and require a c-section. I am already very uncomfortable at 11 weeks and just getting through the full nine months will be very difficult, risky and scary. Especially since I was born 3 months early and know nothing of my medical history since I was adopted. Its even scarrier. For all these reasons I will only be having one child. I think of the fact of how much time I will be able to devote to just one child. All the money we will save, all the extra time in general we will have. Looking at the positive aspects.Sure it would be nice to have two, I was an only child,and it can get lonely. But for my safety and the babies safety, I only intend to do this just once. And not put my poor body through this again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Sat, 08-18-2012 - 1:04pm

I also completely understood what your post was saying.  I also did not agree that it was particularly supportive or sympathetic. 

My concern is that people who post here looking for support should be offered sympathy and a shoulder, not advice to just be happy with what they already have. 

My comments were intended to help someone who feels very hurt about others around them finding it so easy to do something that is so difficult for us.  I hope that they helped.  I also hope that your comments have not caused them to forego looking for further support, which is what we all need at one time or another, no matter how positive we try to be. 

That's the last thing I'm going to say about this. 

Heather

 

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 9:31pm

The only reason I knew of this post was because it was advertised on the side as a 'hot topic" or something. It caught my eye, and I wasnt planning to respond, just to read, out of curiosity. I read the post, and once reading it, decided to offer my opinion. If you don't like the fact of recieving different ideas and different thoughts, don't post on a public board where anyone has the right to give there opinion and two cents. Its quite simple. If you can't accept other peoples insight quietly and just brush it off if you dislike it, I really could care less and that is not my problem everyone here seems to be so thin-skinned. My support may not be "O so sorry to hear, I am hear to listen".....and so on. My idea of support is to simply offer another way of looking at the situation.

And believe me when I say, watching your mother when you are 15, lay in a hospital bed, swollen up like the michelain man, skin as yellow as a simpson, eyes covered with gauze because they won't stay shut due to swelling, on life support with 20 IV's in total, only to die 2 days before receiving the liver transplant, is probably alot more painful to go through and grieve over than greiving over something you never had. 

Reality is, like i said, life deals some s***** cards. Deal with it. And if you don't like other people offering opinions just because they arent the same as yours or how you see things. Move on and don't post publicly. 

I have nothing more to say to anyone here. Cleary offering a different perspective is unwelcome. I feel sad for you people living in your dark, negative world, unwilling to look on the bright side of a difficult situation. And only willing to be kind to those with like-minded opinions. Good luck to all of you with your issues. Sorry you can't be more positive and are closed minded to others opinions simply because you don't agree and see things differently. My god, who would have thought human beings have different opinions right!   :smileyhappy: 

p.s: I assumed in my first post that what I said would come across the wrong way, which is why I specifically said "I do not mean this in a bad way even though it probably comes across that way"  I said that to avoid any potential backlash. Clearly that was pointless.  (believe it or not,I get that infertility is a tough, sad, lonely issue,and I do have sympathy, I just look at lifes trials differently) 

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