Just Keep Swimming...Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2007
Just Keep Swimming...Right?
7
Mon, 12-24-2007 - 12:27pm

Hello everybody!  This is my first time participating on message boards so it may take me a while to get it down.  I'm 28 years old and have been TTC with DH for just over 3 years now. We have had all of the diagnostics and they've turned up no explanation for our trouble (as is the case for many of us). Since our decision to start trying, we have watched 6 of our friends start families. Two of them are now pregnant with their second, one of them is due the end of Jan.  Additionally, my sister became pregnant about 6 months after we started trying, it was unplanned. I now have a beautiful nephew who who will be turning 2 on Jan 30 and it was just announced on the 22nd (at our family Christmas celebration) that after two miscarriages this year they are now pregnant again and she is due in August.


How do you do it?  How do you smile and be happy for people when they give you the news?  How do you not give up hope? I felt so guilty when my sister gave us the news, my husband and I didn't even look at each other because we knew that inappropriate emotions would bubble up if we met eyes.  I spend the next 30 minutes fighting back tears as everyone smiled and gifts were being handed out, and though we gave the congratulations hugs and smiled and said we were so happy and excited, my heart was breaking. As if that wasn't enough, and I'm telling the truth here, that very night (about an hour later) I went to the bathroom only to discover that I had started my period, this on the cycle that I really believed might be the one.


My sister who suffered the miscarriages tells me, "It will happen" and "When the time is right you'll get pregnant".  That's what everybody says. I guess the words come easily to those who don't understand what it feels like. After my sister had her first miscarriage, she told me she doesn't know which is worse, being "barren" as she put it, or having a miscarriage. I still haven't worked out how I feel about her comment, and I didn't like that she called me barren. I think that at this point I would welcome a miscarriage, because at least then I would know that I could get pregnant. Is that wrong of me?


I'm feeling alone, I'm sad, and after hearing the news from my sister, I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength to go on with this, the infertility and watching the joy of another baby coming into the family that isn't ours.  I don't want to give up, but at what point are you left with no choice?  That's why I'm writing, I need to connect with people who understand, whose words come from experience and aren't just words. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.


-Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 6:02pm

I completely understand how you feel, DH and I have been TTC for about two and a half yrs now, and I've been through countless pregnancies with my friends and family, planned and unplanned alike.

<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/05/09/2010><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/777777/000000/My pregnancy/05/09/2010.png' alt='Pregnancy ticker'></a><

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 12:10pm

Thank You, Katie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 3:12pm

Erin,

I'm so sorry. Have you tried IUI or IVF? That can often work for women with unexplained infertility. Sometimes even without intervention it just happens, too, after many years. A friend of mine had tried for 8 years them BAM at 37 she got pg, had a baby and BAM, pregnant again at 39! Not that it will take you that long but just so you know, you never know what can happen.

I have been trying for 1 1/2 years, we have diagnosed male infertility, and I am 39 1/2. Time for us is running out. But the good news is you still have a lot of time. It is so hard when people around you get pg. My SIL just got pg her second month trying, we have been trying longer than they have been married. And it is so painful. I cried all weekend when we found out (I was on my period, too). I can't be happy for them. It just makes me sad. It is normal to feel that way. She knew I was upset and said she was trying not to rub it in my face. I told her she should enjoy her happiness. That it is painful for me but it has nothing to do with her, that it is about the pain of infertility, and there are many triggers for that, and this is just one of them. Still, I want to avoid seeing her as much as possible until we get pg, because it hurts too much. I was able to keep my tears private most of the weekend, but broke down at dinner and had to excuse myself. I just can't take it. The pain is too great and I find myself cracking under it all.

Don't feel guilty for having normal feelings. You are not alone.

-Jenna

- Jenna
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2007
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:17pm

dear Erin,


I'm so glad that I was able to lift your spirits a bit.

<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/05/09/2010><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/777777/000000/My pregnancy/05/09/2010.png' alt='Pregnancy ticker'></a><

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Mon, 03-17-2008 - 5:28pm

Erin,


You make so much sense, really. I know that you feel alone but you are not. I know that I feel terribly alone every time a pregnant woman walks by and all the beautiful babies are born to my friends and family. Yeah, it stinks.


The "It will happen" comments piss me off, to be really honest. It really kills me when people who don't understand tell me that it's a matter of waiting for the right soul to arrive, that it's not just a baby. I actually exploded a bit and told someone that they were lucky enough to see baby making as a process that involves soul. Once you spend enough time in doctors offices, getting poked, prodded and injected with hormones, it's not about soul anymore. It's about medicine and discomfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 03-18-2008 - 4:30pm

Hi Erin,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2008
Thu, 03-20-2008 - 3:33pm

My heart goes out to you. I know just how you feel. Christmas of 2006 I really thought I was pregnant and on Christmas eve of all days I got it. I was heartbroken. I keep asking myself why these things happen. God blesses a woman 3 beautiful children and she drowns them when sooo many people are trying so hard to have a baby. When someone who is a miserable person has a baby and some wonderful, caring people can’t. I know the pain and hurt you feel even when someone you love mentions they’re pregnant. There are times I have to leave the room just to go somewhere & cry. We had 3 failed iui’s and I’m so depressed. Everytime they tell you your preg tet is negative your heart just falls apart. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. If everything is ok and the sperm sample is good why can’t I have a baby. I just want to smack people who say just relax and it will happen and the next person who tells me that we should adopt I’m going to punch in the face. I use to be able to hide it well but as I get older it is harder and harder.