Just need to get it off my chest
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|Sun, 04-15-2012 - 1:14am|
My name is Missy and I am new here. I found this board after doing a search for support groups and after reading a few posts I think this might be a place the I might actually feel safe laying it all out on the table. Please bare with me for a bit if I rant, but really just need to get a few things out in the open and off of my chest. More than likely if you are here you probably have a lot of the same feelings that I do, so I don’t necessarily have to tell you everything that I am about to throw out there but again please bare with me. I have been in a pretty bad funk lately and things are eating at me hardcore and I cant figure out how to make the feeling go away.
My husband and I have been trying for a baby for just over 2 years. And for people that have never experienced infertility, or struggled with it in anyway... they just don’t get it, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about the feelings I have and the disappointment I feel. People don’t understand how the smallest things can fester and explode inside you. The smallest comment, the tinniest gesture can burn you to the core. They don’t understand the disappointment that you put on yourself and the since of failure you feel. The comments they make that are 'suppose to make you feel better' can, instead, cut you like a knife. They don’t understand the ever living self-guilt that you feel every time a friend or family member announces a pregnancy and you cant find it in yourself to even congratulate them because all you can think is 'why isn't me'. I don't like having these feelings, I don't like feeling like a failure, and I don't like feeling like a bad wife because I can't give my husband the child that he deserves. I am young, I understand that, but that is to me what makes it worse. There's so many people my age that dread getting a positive pregnancy test, but for me it a dream. It's torture to hear people talk about their “little accident”, why do they have a child they never wanted, while others have to fight so hard to make a dream come true?
While most people start a college fund for their child and dream of them play sports or becoming a lawyer, or whatever the big dream is they have for their child; those who face infertility have to use that 'college fund' to pay for the treatment just to have a child. And their 'big dream' is that just maybe this time it will take. I just want someone to understand, someone that wont throw out some cliche line about “it will happen when its suppose to” because most of those people are in control of it themselves, they get to decide when and if they have a child. But I'm not and it kills me and frankly scares the hell out of me as well. It's a thought that NEVER leaves me mind. I don’t feel like I can enjoy myself anywhere I go because its everywhere. I can't buy my 2 year-old nephew clothes because I cant stand the thought of going into the baby section at the store. I can't go out with friends and have a couple drinks because I'm too scared that, if by the grace of God, I had some miracle moment and was pregnant that I would ruin it. I don’t mean to sound crazy and I am sorry for all this but I just need to say it somewhere were I don't feel like anyone is going to judge me. I think I could type for hours but I'm stopping here... Thank you