Lost in a world of babies

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Lost in a world of babies
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 1:24pm

This is my first posting and reach-out to an online support group.

One month marks the point at which I lost my first and only pregnancy two years ago. The baby wasn't right and the pregnancy had to be terminated. However, during the DNC, the doctor cut me and emergency surgery had to be performed. When I woke up, the doctor told me he didn't know what went wrong. Twelve days later it was determined that I wasn't shedding the pregnancy and another DNC was scheduled. I was in extreme pain.

It has taken me almost two years, mentally and physically, to recover from 3 operations in 9 weeks, 6 months of FMLA, and countless specialists and procedures to try to get pregnant. Mentally when I think I'm over the pain of it all, it comes back, because for whatever reason, I can't get pregnant. I've done everything in the book. Even now, I'm on a double-dose of Clomid with a migraine in an attempt to get pregnant.

Today, I picked up the phone to see about legal side of things, knowing that I only have a month. The one attorney who I spoke with was very nice and told me a month is a very short time to get a medical-malpractice case together, but if I would get the records to him he would take a look. At the end of our phone call, he said he was sorry that this happened to me. (Obviously, it is a hard topic to talk about without getting a bit teary. )

Everyone says forget about it, don't worry about it, you'll get pregnant. I found my sole mate at 33. We married two years later. Now at 39, I had a birthday 6 days ago, I'm at the do or die age. Everyone else around me, including my husband, has children (who I love as my own when he is here). Sometimes I feel so alone and it seems so unfair. I've been to counseling, but nothing ever takes away the pain of knowing you can't have children.

I'm a young, vibrant female. We live our lives to the fullest. Everyone I meet thinks I'm younger than I am, but these past two years has aged me. I know I have lost some spark.

In an effort to regain some personal value and give back to our community, my husband and I have become certified foster parents. We have been an approved home for about three weeks now. We are willing to take in two children, ages 0-8. We have yet to have a placement. We are thankful for that in that it is terrible that a child should be removed from their home in the first place, but at the holidays it is even worse.

2007 was an awful year for us, we are going forward with 2008 knowing that things can only get better. I often think I'm miserable, lonely, and start on a "pity-party," but then I see some of the children and their stories through DFCS and it just breaks your heart and makes you appreciate what you have!

With the start of a New Year has to come the start of something new for us as we are the key to our success, whatever that may be, if that is with a pregnancy (which I can pretty much guarantee won't happen) and/or foster children that we can hopefully adopt.

Cheers!

Aussie Mum