Need a good cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Need a good cry
25
Fri, 02-01-2008 - 2:19pm

We are trying for the last chance at IUI. My insemination was today. We only had two follicles and my husband count was not very good. We have another one tomorrow and then we wait. We were lucky in the past and got pregnant first try with IUI, not so lucky this time. This is our 6th attempt. They told us today that if this does not work we will have to go to IVF or IVM. We just don't have that kind of money. I am so discouraged. I cried the whole way home. They tell me not to get discourage but how can I not. Nobody around us know that we are going through this so I get to keep it all to myself.

I love my husband and I know it is not his fault, but our infertility problem is with him. I have no issue. I hate feeling like it is his fault, because I know it is not his fault. I just want to be pregnant. I have not even looked into IVF or IVM and have no idea what is involved.

I am willing to take all the advice you guys have.

HELP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2008
Wed, 02-20-2008 - 6:39pm

I'm so sorry.

Occasionally I feel that way too. My doctor says that my levels are amazing for a 33 year old. He says I'll likely be very fertile at 40.

My husband has nearly NO normal sperm and not many sperm to start with. He has had to have a massive varicocelectomy (high level, both testicles) and we don't know whether that worked or not yet. Occasionally I'm just mad that I'm pumping out these perfect eggs and there's nothing there that I can use. If the surgery doesn't work, I'll have to go through a painful and possibly dangerous procedure. OR I'll have to go through the wringer of adoption. I am sometimes mad at him for doing this to me.

Of course then I feel like a complete heel. This isn't his fault. He certainly didn't want to have to go through this. His surgery was awful. He wants a baby badly. He does housework, he goes easy on the sports and video games, he has an even temper, he doesn't care if I have lots of shoes. Many women would kill me to get my husband. What kind of bad am I for feeling resentment about this? But it happens.

So the story in a nutshell: Go ahead and cry. None of us will fault you for it. Maybe the bitterness wouldn't be there if you were perfect, but who is?

I don't think you're greedy for wanting two children. That isn't so much to ask.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 12:55pm

Thanks for understanding. I am so tired of feeling like I am the B...h. I love my hubby to death, but I hate his swimmers. They can't seem to swim and they seem to dance on the spot and if they make it to the dance they have no idea what to do when they get there. It is so frustrating. My eggs are ready willing and able.

When I was pregnant four of my friends were pregnant at the same time as me. One of them almost died in labor and can't have more kids, the other three are pregnant. One of them had the baby yesterday. I was the first one that she called to say that the baby was hear. I called the other girls to let them know. One of the girls asked how I felt about our friend having the baby. I was telling her that I have never been so happy for a friend and so sad at the same time for myself. She felt the need to ask me, when I was going to be ready to be happy with the beautiful baby that I have and give up having more. She pointed out how much money we had spent and were going to keep spending on this. I was so frustrated with her. I had already been crying because I so want to be expecting a baby that the last thing I needed was to reminded of all the things we could have spent the money on.

How is it that smart people can be so stupid and insensitive. Might I point out that she got pregnant the first time on both pregnancies. How I wish it was that simple for me and you.

I just want to stop crying and get pregnant. I am getting so discouraged that it might not work for us again. I am lucky though that we have one beautiful daughter. Now I appreciate just how much of a miracle she is.

I just hope we all get pregnant soon.

Thanks for understanding when nobody else does.

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:40pm

Ellen,


I'm so sorry your friend told you that.

              Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 3:54pm

It is funny, when I get into work in the morning I always sit at my computer and check the board to see what is new. It is the one time in the day that nothing else matter and I am with people who understand what my life is like these days. It is nice to hear that other people don't think that I am crazy.It seems that there is always somebody out there that know just what to say when I am feeling like crap.

I agree that this is the most important reason to go into debt. Now we just have to find a way to make it happen. That is the part that I am worried about. I have no idea how we are going to make that happen. I guess that we just have to have faith.

I am lucky that I am in Canada though, it seems to be so much cheaper hear then in the US. We have people that come to our clinic from the US because it is cheaper hear.

I just want to be pregnant. I want to go though morning sickness again and all the other great stuff that goes with being pregnant. I just hope that it will happen for me again. I hope that it will happen for you as well.

Thanks for being there for me. I really appreciate it.

Ellen

Time for another good cry and a hot bath

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 7:41pm

Glad we can help, we all have a turn in the barrel where we need that support of women who get it:)

              Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 7:01pm

I am lucky that in Canada we have free medical coverage for most things. Infertility is not one of them. But when I do get pregnant again (I am trying to be positive) that part does not cost me anything, it is all covered by the government. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I have to have private insurance for that.

The bath and the good cry did help the other night. My DH is also happy that I have found these boards. He says that it is a great place for me to get and give support. I don't know about you, but I find that when I can give somebody my two cents it helps me just as much as when I need somebodies two cents. I can't even imagine going through this and not having anybody to lean on. I know my DH is there for me, but it is not the same as having other women who get it.

I just read your profile, congrats on having a son. Sorry that you have had all those miscarriages, that must be so hard. I hope that you will have good results in March and there will be lots of baby dust coming your way. Where are you from? I am in Quebec, Canada (1 hour from the NY, VT border).

I have to get going. Thanks for all you help and amazing support. It is nice to know that I am not the only one out there who feels like this.

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 12:06am

I feel the same way. I joined this board b/c so many women in the high risk preg. board were so helpful answering my questions about the details of this blood clotting disorder I may have.

              Ashley

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 7:18pm
I do know IVF is expensive. We've had four IVF transfers (2 fresh, 2 frozen). I also dreaded spending the money, and the main reason we had to was because my DH has poor quality sperm, so after one failed IUI we had to move onto IVF. You might see if you qualify for any grant programs for IVF, there are some out there. We didn't qualify because our income was too high. Also, I am not sure your age, but you might look into a shared risk program (think you have to be 35 or under for that if you are using your own eggs). Shared risk program is like you pay a lump sum for 3 IVFs, and if you don't get pregnant after 3 IVFs, you get all your money back. (There is also a shared risk program for donor egg if you are doing that and over 35). Just keep exploring different options. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 10:32am

There is nothing that I can say that can make you feel better about having had the miscarriages. The only thing that I can say for sure is that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. There is nothing that you could have done at that time that would have made a difference. If it was the clotting problem and you did not know how could you have changed it. You cant change what you don't know. I am glad that it is fixable though if that is the problem.

Who knows when you do get pregnant again, maybe it will be twins and you will have those three kids that you wanted. Don't give up. I have faith that it will work for you.

Now is it not ironic that I am telling you to not give up and not so long ago it was the other way around. That is the great thing about this board, we are all there for each other when we need it.

I don't know how, but we are going to find a way to pay for the IVM or IVF. I will look to see if there are grants or something like tessmckenzie suggested. FYI I am 36 and in our case it is MF infertility low count and low motility.

As far as leaning on me, anytime. That is what friends do that really get how you are feeling, even ones that you have just met over the NET. So feel free to vent all you need, and I will do the same. :-)

I hope today is a pretty good day for you.

Ellen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 11:43pm

Thanks Ellen.

              Ashley