New to this please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2012
New to this please help
Thu, 06-07-2012 - 10:10pm
I am a 30 year old woman who does not have any children. I have been with my boyfriend, who is 42, for a year and a half now and we are living together and very committed to each other and happy. My boyfriend has 3 kids already the oldest of which is 18, and the youngest is 6. When we first started dating he had told me that he did not want anymore kids after his first 2. His youngest was not planned, as he didn't want anymore kids. Now that he has her, he is very happy and a wonderful father to her. After our relationship had gotten serious I had asked him if he would ever want to have more kids and he yes he came from a big family and would like a big family. This led me to believe that perhaps if he had found the right person that he cared about he would be open to the idea of having more children. I recently had a laparoscopy due to severe chronic pelvic pain. The doctor found that I have endometriosis and had many adhesions. He cleaned up the endo and adhesions. I also had hydrosalpinx and he had to remove my right tube. My left tube had some blockage but he said he repaired it. On my left ovary I had some small cysts which he removed as well. In my follow up my dr told me that he was hopeful I would still be able to get pregnant. He told me that my chances were better right after the surgery which was the middle of may. He told me to ttc in June July and august and to come back in sept if unsuccessful to do an xray to see if my tube is still open. My problem is that I was not ttc prior to the surgery. My boyfriend and I hadn't discussed getting pregnant. I only had the surgery because of all the pain I was in. I did not want to delay because if my chances of becoming pregnant were limited due to the findings I wanted to know so I could decide how to approach this....well now I know my chances are limited and I want to approach my boyfriend about it but do not know how. We have always been honest with each other but I have a hard time communicating my feelings at times. I have mentioned most of what the dr. said except for the part that my chances are higher trying now than waiting. I have told him my concerns that I may not be able to have children hoping to elicit a response, which I only got we need to worry about your health and the pain you are in first. I really do not know how to talk to him about this. I think it is because I am afraid that if he really doesn't want more kids then I am at a loss. If my best chances are trying now, and he doesn't want more or want more right now, then I know I will not be able to remain with him because I want at least one child more than anything. It does not bother me now with his kids he has but I think it would bother me if he doesn't want to have a child with me and experiences thenhappiness of parenthood. That said, although I love him I would have to move on, but again I would pass all this viable time up by trying to find someone else that I love enough to have a child with. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. I know this is lengthy but it all hit me unexpectedly 2 weeks ago when I had the surgery and I am a bit limited on time and am already nervous that if he does want to try i may still not be able to conceive. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 8:22am
I agree while the honesty might feel overwhelming its truly the best next step. It might be he is thinking the same thing but does not want to stress you out by bringing it up. My DH would be hesitant to bring things up after a bad cycle because he knew I was upset and did not want to make it worse.


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009