Questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Questions
22
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 9:59pm

Hi All!

I am new to this section. I have been on TTC after a stillbirth for just over a year. I lost my son, Jake, May 21, 2009. He was 38 weeks along, but died because the cord was wrapped around his neck. I went into have him induced and when I got to the hospital they told me he was gone. It has been a hard year. I do have a daughter who is 4, and she is the light of my life. We had no problems getting pregnant in the past. She and my son were each conceived the first month we were trying. So I thought I would have no problem trying again. We are desperate to have another baby, I know that the baby I lost will never be replaced, but I am hoping that a new baby will heal this terrible ache and void. I know I am VERY luck to have my daughter because I know that some others who have not even had one baby would love to have just one child.

We have been trying for 9 cycles now with no luck. I did 4 months of clomid.....nothing. So my doctor had me do a bunch on tests. I had the HSG x-ray, and my tubes look great. I did the blood work for FSH and a test called AMH. The FSH was good but the AMH was borderline. I am 39, so I guess that means I have run out of eggs or am running out. I don't have my appointment to go over everything until September 8th, so I am going crazy with worry. Can anyone tell me more about AMH. My doctor sent me an email saying low on eggs, but that was it. I feel really in the dark right now. I now feel like time is running out.

If anyone could share what they know I would appreciate it.

Sammi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: sammi1989
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 10:41pm
Hi Sammi I am sorry you find yourself here but I know you will find great support. While I am not familiar with your particular problem I can understand the frustration of waiting. Are you going to an RE yet? Hopefully the doctor is able to tell you what the next step is. I wish you much luck and hope you get another BFP soon.

Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


M/C November 2009


Metformin December 2009


Clomid #1 50mg April 2010 = no O :-(


Clomid #2 100mg May 2010 = BFN


Clomid #3 150mg July 2010 = BFN


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Dixie


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
In reply to: sammi1989
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 10:26am
I am so sorry for your loss. I also know what it is like to try with no results. I wish I could answer your question but I'm sure that someone here can. I wish you luck for a BFP!

Christy
TTC 1st child since 2006
June 16, 2010: IUI w/ Femara BFP (Ectopic - Methotrexate shot) RE sidelined me until November cycle for next IUI :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
In reply to: sammi1989
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 1:52pm

Hi Sammi,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can't imagine how terrible that must have been to go through.

I wanted to let you know that about a year ago I had my FSH and AMH tested and my RE told me they were both borderline, I forget the exact numbers. He basically told me that it means I have a lower reserve of eggs, which we saw at a failed attempt of IVF. But, I went on to get pregnant, quite a surprise naturally a few months later. So being borderline doesn't indicate you will not get pregnant just that you may be harder to stimulate if trying fertility medications. I am 38 years old now and 31 weeks pregnant so don't lose hope.

I hope you can get pregnant again soon and carry to full term.

Kelly





Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
In reply to: sammi1989
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 12:27am

Kelly-

Congratulations! You have given me some hope! I have the same OBGYN that delivered my poor stillborn Jake, and even after all I have been through it seems he can be so vague. I am going to see him in September. We had thought about IVF, but are unsure of the costs. I think I would have been fine if I just had my daughter and had never lost poor Jake, but now it seems to be that having another baby is all the drives me. I know that a new baby will never replace the one I lost, but the hole he left is so deep. I am still angry at times because he was so close to making it. 48 hours from my last time hearing his heartbeat to the scheduled induction to deliver him.

It gives me hope that someone close to my age has had success! You must be very excited. I see that you have had loss too, and I am sorry to see you have lost babies too. Loss is hard. I think as women we feel that it is just a given that we can have babies, and when it does not go the way we plan, it is sooo hard and frustrating.
Enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy, these are exciting weeks ahead! There is nothing better then seeing your baby for the first time, it is purely magical! When my daughter was delivered I looked at her little face and my heart was never as full of love than that moment!

Sammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
In reply to: sammi1989
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 8:41am

Sammi,


I don't know what AMH stands for but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you lost your baby. My 1st child was stillborn 3 years ago. Just know that it takes a long time to heal from this type of loss and it's only been a year. On another

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
In reply to: sammi1989
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 11:49am

Good, I'm glad I could give you some hope! Plenty of women our age are getting pg, maybe not as easily but it does happen. I definitely recommend switching to a Reproductive Endocrinologist if you can. They can help guide you on whether you should lean towards IVF or different treatments, there are so many other treatment options both less expensive and less invasive you could try first.

I'm sure you'll never be able to fill the hole left in your heart from losing your son Jake but I really hope you are able to have a third child someday. Yes, I've had three losses but mine have all been early 1st trimester ones. I was kind of like you, easy getting pg the first time, then I ended up with a lot of complications from the first miscarriage (uterus scarred shut), got that corrected and got pg again. Lost the second one and then couldn't get pg naturally. We did a few IUI cycles and then attempted IVF but didn't produce enough eggs to retrieve. We ended up converting that failed IVF to IUI, got pg but miscarried again. Then we were planning to do a donor egg cycle but ended up naturally pregnant. Crazy how things happen.

Sorry so long!

Kelly






Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
In reply to: sammi1989
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 1:06pm

Karen-

Thanks for your thoughts. Delivering a stillborn is truly horrific isn't it. The silence in the delivery room is deafening. I just kept looking at him wishing that they were wrong and he would take a breath and cry, but it was not to be. I am still dealing with the "elephant in the room" where people don't know what to say around me when babies come up. My work inadvertently scheduled a baby shower for a colleague on the 1 year anniversary! I quietly told the coordinator I did not think I could make it, but she told everyone and it got rearranged because of me, which was awkward. It is a tough place to be. I never really knew about stillbirth until I had Jake, and I am finding there are a lot more of us than I could ever have imagined, which makes me sad. I wish nobody had to go through that.

My husband is giving his sample this week. He is 40! We want to have all of our information ready for our September 8th appointment. I am sure I am getting referred to a specialist, which is somewhat of a relief.

I know you will forever miss your Samantha, but does it get easier because a year later I find that I am still consumed with thinking about Jake a large part of the day. My 4 year old talks about him as an angel a lot, which is hard, but the counselor said I can't make her feel like it is a secret and if she wants to talk I have to let her. I try not to talk about it in front of her, but she still brings it up all the time. I find her waving to the sky and saying hi to her brother.

Thanks for the info! Oh..AMH is a blood test that helps determine if you have many quality eggs left. My test was borderline, so I don't have many left I guess. I am so in the dark about it, so I am looking forward to my September 8th appointment to get more clarity.

Thanks again!
Sammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
In reply to: sammi1989
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 1:52pm

It is one of the worst things I think we'll go through in life. You will heal with time. I still think about Samantha multiple times a day. Not so much of the sadness but just about her. After the 1st anniversary I felt the clouds lift and could start dealing with life again but I can't say I didn't still have bouts of depression and days of lots of crying. By this 3rd anniversary I'm back to myself again but again, there's barely a moment that's she's more than a thought away. They will always be with us in our thoughts daily, that won't leave. Around their birthday is hard but the rest of the year isn't too bad anymore. It's true when they say time will heal all wounds. I'm not quite there but I can feel the healing happening. We don't know why Samantha died. I went in for my scheduled induction and found she had already passed. Nothing could have been done, I believe she died overnight a couple of nights prior and I didn't feel a thing. It would have been too late even if I did feel something. Sad part is, we had a "perfect" u/s 2 days before she died. No indication of anything wrong at all. I'm sorry you lost your LO but I'm glad you know why he died.


As far as your 4 year old. I think it's great she can express herself. I have a 6 year old niece that was the same age as your daughter and we've shared Samantha's picture, she helps decorate her special Christmas tree and visits her grave with me often. My niece talks about my daughter all the time and asks questions. I don't hide anything from her.

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
In reply to: sammi1989
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 1:02am

Karen-

Thanks for getting back to me. I do know what you mean about the clouds lifting at the one year anniversary. I dreaded that day all year...I guess I was wishing I could plan a fun birthday instead of being sad. I have Jake at home still, we don't know when we will be ready to spread his ashes, my husband thinks it will help the healing for me if I do. My daughter is the only person who will speak honestly about Jake, little children are so pure and straight forward! My mom just can't even say his name.....she was so devastated. I find other people almost cringe when I mention him, because they don't know what to say in response. I never know what to say when people ask if I only have my daughter. Jake did exist and it feels like a betrayal not to mention him, but it is so awkward explaining he is gone that I always say she is the only one.

It is so great to see that you are pregnant again. I feel like there may be some hope.... even with low egg reserve. I am trying to be positive. I can see that it is going to be expensive, but my husband thinks we have to do IVF if that is our only option. We will just keep trying. I feel that time is running out because of my age...

I do appreciate you taking the time to share Samantha with me and how you have been feeling. My OB told me about support groups, but I am so bad at talking about my feelings in person, this forum has been so helpful to me! My name full name is Samantha, but I go by Sammi a lot.

Thanks again!
Sammi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
In reply to: sammi1989
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 10:10am

Take your time with the ashes. There is no rule to when or if you need to do it. I decided to bury my DD at my house. I can see her grave from the front. It's been comforting for me to have her near. I've gotten to the point when people ask me if I have children I say yes, but she died. If they ask, I'm going to tell. Even now with being pregnant I always get the "is this your 1st" and I still say no, my 1st died. If they want to know more I'm happy to tell them about her. I usually get an "I'm sorry" I've learned to say "thanks" and they usually move on. I got over making others feel comfortable.


Yes, I'm finally pregnant after 3 years and several IVF's. This is my very last chance and I pray I get to bring home a baby. It's been a very long journey. Have no fear, if you can afford IVF and they tell you your eggs are no good there is still the donor eggs for you. I was considering that myself as a next step. What state do you live in? Try to find a RE that has a shared risk program, whether IVF (which you may be too old for) or Donor egg, which you are not. Several of us on this board when to Shady Grove in MD, I think they are awesome. Some have even traveled to use them.


Good luck.

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


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