Secondary Infertility and Depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Secondary Infertility and Depression
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:24pm

Hi everyone,

My name is Rachel. My DH and I have been trying to conceive for over two years, although there have been a few months in that time where we were not trying. We have one DS together, and he's 4 and is the light of our lives. We have tried three cycles of clomid plus IUI, all unsuccessful. We are now saving up for IVF and hoping for a miracle in the meantime.

I know inferitlity carries a high incidence of comorbid depression, and I know it has taken a toll on me. I'm in counseling, but I don't think my counselor has a lot of experience with this particular topic, although she has been helpful with other things. My strategy to deal with the depression that comes with my infertility has been to make myself really busy by focusing on my career and on my DS. But recently the pain of infertility has hit me full force because this month both of my brothers had new babies. Even though they live in other states and I haven't met the babies, just talking about my precious new niece and nephew gives me a lump in my throat and sends me into the downward spiral thinking that maybe I will never get to experience having a new baby ever again. The tears swell in my eyes and I have to end the conversation politely because how can anyone understand? I feel guilty for feeling this way, but its not jealousy, really, it's being forced to face my own problem.

DH and I are both busy with our careers but we both imagined having a big family, 4 kids is what we've talked about. I feel like that might never happen and sometimes I think that my depresion is like grieving the loss of that dream. I feel like, if at age 28 I'm struggling to get pregnant with baby #2, how in the world can I ever expect to have a #3 or #4? But I can't imagine raising our son as an only child, even though that's what he is, so far. I can't imagine him growing up and having no siblings...I would feel like I failed him. I know only children can grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults too, but to me, having a sister and brothers is a suport system that can never be replicated by mere friends.

Part of my family knows about our problem with infertility (the ones with new babies and my mom) and we have not discussed it with another part of the family because I know what they will say, "why do you want to get pregnant now, why not wait or not have anymore kids at all." It's hard to discuss these feelings with other people who have not experienced the problem and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. My family that does know about the issue has no idea how much it is affecting me and nothing that they say helps me to fell better at all. 

I was just hoping maybe someone on this board might have ideas for helping me get through this dark time.

Thank you,


Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 2:06pm
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, Rachel :smileysad: Please don't feel guilty over your feelings with regards to the new babies, it's totally understandable. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for them, you are just grieving for what you don't have. A lot of members find it helps to use the board as a place to vent, everyone here knows how you are feeling and can relate. Getting it all out there is good, and also validates your frustrations and pain.

Do the doctors have any idea on what the problem is, or is it unexplained infertility?

I wanted to let you know that we have a board for Secondary Infertility if you'd like to check it out:

Many (((HUGS))) coming your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 8:58pm
Yeah, it's unexplained....I guess that leaves us some hope though, because at least there isn't something catastrophically wrong.

Thanks for your understanding. It's nice to find other people going through this struggle too. I really need the support. I saw the secondary infertility board, but it doesn't seem to get as much traffic as this board. But I'll keep checking back on it and maybe post my intro there as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 4:20pm

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Infertility just plain sucks. My biggest piece of advice is go to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) stat, if you're still with your OB. I feel like I wasted so much time with my OB.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 9:49pm

Rachel I completely understand what you are going through and it sucks.  I feel exactly the same.  We have been ttc #3 for 2 years now and had 8 losses.  I am currently waiting for things to happen with a suspected ectopic.  You are right...very few people understand and people are very insensitive.  My sister also had a baby this month.  Our relationship is very strained right now due to this and the multiple hurtful things she said to me along the way.  This is a good place for support.  You are right's hard to not be depressed when no one understands and you have this black cloud looming overhead.  It's so taboo to talk about it.  Some people know our struggles and other's don't.  Some people are helpful, but most just bring me down.  I think it's important to find a few people who are there for you even if it's just to listen.  I am actually contemplating posting a note on FB describing exactly how I feel and the do's and don'ts of helping someone with infertility.  I might make people mad, but after two years of suffering, I think it might do me good to not be hiding behind my struggles and it might be helpful for people to know what they should and shouldn't say.  Take a look in my post above.  I am sure you can relate.  Maybe it will help you to make a list too.  BTW, I tried accupuncture for the past 2 months and it was very relaxing.  I did get a + too after 7 cycles without seeing one.  It's just too bad it's not going to work out.  I do think it was helpful though.  Hugs to you.