Secondary Infertility and Depression
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|Wed, 07-25-2012 - 10:24pm|
My name is Rachel. My DH and I have been trying to conceive for over two years, although there have been a few months in that time where we were not trying. We have one DS together, and he's 4 and is the light of our lives. We have tried three cycles of clomid plus IUI, all unsuccessful. We are now saving up for IVF and hoping for a miracle in the meantime.
I know inferitlity carries a high incidence of comorbid depression, and I know it has taken a toll on me. I'm in counseling, but I don't think my counselor has a lot of experience with this particular topic, although she has been helpful with other things. My strategy to deal with the depression that comes with my infertility has been to make myself really busy by focusing on my career and on my DS. But recently the pain of infertility has hit me full force because this month both of my brothers had new babies. Even though they live in other states and I haven't met the babies, just talking about my precious new niece and nephew gives me a lump in my throat and sends me into the downward spiral thinking that maybe I will never get to experience having a new baby ever again. The tears swell in my eyes and I have to end the conversation politely because how can anyone understand? I feel guilty for feeling this way, but its not jealousy, really, it's being forced to face my own problem.
DH and I are both busy with our careers but we both imagined having a big family, 4 kids is what we've talked about. I feel like that might never happen and sometimes I think that my depresion is like grieving the loss of that dream. I feel like, if at age 28 I'm struggling to get pregnant with baby #2, how in the world can I ever expect to have a #3 or #4? But I can't imagine raising our son as an only child, even though that's what he is, so far. I can't imagine him growing up and having no siblings...I would feel like I failed him. I know only children can grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults too, but to me, having a sister and brothers is a suport system that can never be replicated by mere friends.
Part of my family knows about our problem with infertility (the ones with new babies and my mom) and we have not discussed it with another part of the family because I know what they will say, "why do you want to get pregnant now, why not wait or not have anymore kids at all." It's hard to discuss these feelings with other people who have not experienced the problem and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. My family that does know about the issue has no idea how much it is affecting me and nothing that they say helps me to fell better at all.
I was just hoping maybe someone on this board might have ideas for helping me get through this dark time.