Seriously, ectopic now? Input needed for infertility note too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Seriously, ectopic now? Input needed for infertility note too...
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 9:37pm

Yup, you read it right.  After 7 losses in 2 years, I am on number 8.  Since my numbers started out great and then failed to double appropriately, they decided it might be ectopic.  I had the methotrexate shot last Friday and now I am just waiting.  This might be the worst experience yet because I feel so helpless and trapped.  I really think it is more likely it was DH's faulty genes than an ectopic, but they weren't willing to wait and see.  I am so annoyed that I have to keep waiting for something to happen, then have my 4th HSG in a year, then we can try again.  I feel like everything is going against us.  So in my anger, I drafted this.  I am thinking about posting it on FB.  What do you think....any additions you can think of?  Thanks.


For those of you who may be wondering why I have not been myself for a while now, I want to take this opportunity to share some information with you.  For the past two years, we have been trying to expand our family.  During this time, I have endured 8 losses at various stages of the game.  I can’t explain the stress, heartache, and pain that comes along with the ups and downs of pregnancy loss and infertility.  I thank God for those of you who have never had to endure this pain.  For those of you who have, you know exactly what I am talking about.  To see a positive test and imagine your future only to have your dreams shattered is devastating.  When it happens repeatedly with no explanation, it changes you.  For me, the hardest part of all of this has been my support network.  While a few friends and family have been very supportive and helpful, the majority of people I share my struggles with have no clue what to say or do.  I guess if you haven’t been in this situation yourself, it would be difficult to know how to help.  Because of this, I have decided to share with you some of the best and worst things you can say to someone who is struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss.

               THINGS TO AVOID

  1. 1.      NEVER EVER tell the person that they should be thankful for the children they already have.  Of course we are thankful for them.  You wouldn’t think twice about us being thankful if we had no difficulty getting/staying pregnant.
  2. 2.      Don’t tell us to relax and it will happen, or to just stop trying and it will happen.  Chances are that if it has been a significant amount of time that we have been trying, it is because there is a MEDICAL REASON it isn’t happening.
  3. 3.      Don’t tell us that it will eventually happen and to be patient.  When you want something, you want it.  Period.  And you don’t have a crystal ball.  For some of us, it will never happen.
  4. 4.      If we suffer a loss, don’t tell us that it was Gods will or that it was for the best.  Certainly do not tell us that “it will happen”.  We know it will probably happen someday, but we want THAT baby, not another baby.  Acknowledge our loss and be supportive.
  5. 5.      If you haven’t been there, don’t pretend you have a clue what we are going through.  Just be supportive and listen. 
  6. 6.      Don’t call us crazy or obsessed.  We may be focused on getting what we want, but it is hurtful and disrespectful to take our situation and label us for our struggles.
  7. 7.      If you happen to be blessed with a pregnancy, don’t hide it from us.  Be honest and up front and tell us in private so we have time to react.  While we will be devastated for a bit, we truly are happy for you.  It just hurts that it isn’t us, so give us time to come around.
  8. 8.      Don’t say you are going to be there for us and then vanish.  Just as important, if you offer to lend an ear, don’t cut us off mid story and leave and do not interrupt to tell your own stories.  Just listen.
  9. 9.      Cut the couple some slack.  This is a stressful time and emotions are all over the place…especially if meds are involved.  Don’t take things personal if they withdraw,  snap at you, or miss gatherings.
  10. 10.   Be sensitive with comments you make if you are pregnant.  When you complain, all we can think is how you could possibly be upset.  YOU ARE PREGNANT.  When you spend all of your time talking about how wonderful it is to be pregnant is, it’s like being stabbed in the chest.  Yes, talk about your pregnancy, but be considerate of those who would give anything to be in your shoes.
  11. 11.   Unless you talk to someone daily about what is going on, don’t call, text, or ask if the person is pregnant.  It really adds undue stress.  If the person wants to tell you, she will.
  12. 12.   Don’t make jokes about giving your kids away when they are being bad.  It’s just distasteful.
  13. 13.   Don’t try to diagnose the couple or push them toward certain forms of treatments or adoption.  Your opinion is not helpful.  In fact, unless you have been there or you have MD after your name, you have no right to give unsolicited advice.  If your opinion is asked, answer honestly as though you were in the couple’s shoes.
  14. 14.   Don’t assume that because we are going through this struggle that we don’t want to come to an event where pregnant women and children are present.  Invite, but understand if we choose not to attend.
  15. 15.   “You can always adopt.”  Have you done a price check?  Not everyone can adopt.  Unless you are willing to fund it, don’t say it.
  16. 16.   Don’t assume you know what is best for our family.  Whether it is our first, third, or fifteenth child, it is our right to expand our family.  If you don’t like it, tough.  You are entitled to your opinion but please keep it to yourself.


               HELPFUL THINGS

  1. 1.      Call, text, message, ask.  Let the person know you are thinking about them.
  2. 2.      Occasionally send a card or a thinking of you gift if you see something that reminds you of that person.  BE PRESENT.
  3. 3.      Hugs are always welcome.
  4. 4.      Be available to listen, and let the couple know you are there for them.
  5. 5.      If you have been there or know someone who has, it is okay to offer advice or support connections.
  6. 6.      If further treatment is needed and you are able, be available to babysit other children during appointments.
  7. 7.      It’s hard to be distracted, but if you have something you think will help, give it a try.
  8. 8.      It is very possible we may burst into tears or be over sensitive.  If you are in that awkward situation, don’t make fun of us.  A pat on the shoulder is enough to say you understand without having to come up with a way to make us feel better.  Odds are you won’t be able to anyway but it’s nice to know you recognize our struggle.
  9. 9.      If you are close to us and we are acting completely crazy, it is okay to point it out to us.  Please do not discount our feelings about the situation though.


Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008

That's just incredible, Karri, I'm totally impressed by the whole thing.  I would be surprised that you have some friends that share it on their FB page.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
I think its wonderful and well written!


"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009