tormented every month...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2011
tormented every month...
7
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 1:32pm

breif introduction here, my name is emily, and about a year and half ago my husband found out that he didnt have any sperm in his semen analysis after over 4 years of us having unprotected sex and never a pregnancy. i of course always thought it was something with me, as most women tend to think sometimes...but, docs all said i was fine, and i get my period every 28 days...did the OPKs, all that. my husband and i havent yet pursued any further treatments, he just knows that an ultra sound of his testes showed everything to be normal, blood tests normal, hormones normal. just no sperm, and very low volume ejaculate, and very watery, dont know if that makes a difference.

anyway, the next step would be biopsy, but we are just taking a break from any further treatments, just kinda absorbing the shock of it all. but, every month, i ALWAYS imagine im somehow pregnant. obviously we arent using birth control, so right after ovulation, i think "it worked this time! maybe he has sperm now! i must be pregnant!" and for the entire 2 weeks until my period, i have ALL the pregnancy symptoms, im convinced it "worked." i google preg symptoms like a mad woman and convince myself i have all of them. i have dreams almost every night until i get my period that im pregnant, that i have a baby, then the baby disappears, turns into a doll, or that it never really happened at all, or that its actually someone else's baby. then i wake up. then of course, like clockwork, i get my period and im still sometimes in denial until after the first day of my flow. EVERY MONTH. you would think after 6 years of never getting pregnant i would accept that we cant conceive naturally. but nope, im in serious denial and think that WE WILL have some kind of miracle pregnancy, and that the semen analysis was some kind of mistake. PLEASE HELP ME. i can't take these phantom pregnancy symtoms every month, then the disappointment, i guess its great that i still have hope, but this is obsessive, all encompassing, and making me

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 4:50pm
(((HUGS))) anyhope87, I'm so sorry that go through that each month. Have you ever tried not tracking ovulation, and just ignoring your cycle? It might just take a lot of control on your part. It might help to learn some relaxation techniques that you can use whenever you find yourself obsessing. Do you exercise regularly or have you tried yoga? I don't know if either are something you'd be interested in, but a physical outlet might help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2011
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 5:53pm

thanks so much for replying to me! this is the first online support group i have ever opened up to, its nice to just get things off my chest to other women who can relate in some way. its hard to talk to friends or family who have had no trouble getting pregnant. they are supportive, but havent felt the pain.

i usually dont track ovulation by counting the days, and have only used an OPK once, before we knew about the sperm problem, just to check and see if i actually WAS ovulating. i was. usually each month i can feel when i ovulate, even if i want to ignore it! lol. so, its kind of hard to ignore when im very in tune with my body's cycle and ovulation. i can actually FEEL my left or right ovary twinge when it happens.

i am a ballet dancer, so i try to use that as an outlet as much as i can. its sooo hard not to obsess in the days after O and up until my period just wondering wondering and wondering! we have an appt with a new urologist on dec 1st, the old one we were seeing didnt really know where to go from there, its almost like hed never come across a man with no sperm :( so im really hoping maybe its a blockage or something that could be helped with surgery. we have discussed a sperm donor, but its waayyy down the road, and thats if nothing else can be done to get his own sperm.

i really should try meditation or something more relaxing when i get obsessive thoughts, you are right! thank you for the advice! (((hugs back!!)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 10:12am
Hi Emily! You have come to the right place. All of us have been thru what you are dealing with at one time or another. Some of us here have had babies, some are in the midst of IVF or IUI, and others (like myself) are still waiting. I think it's extra hard for women, because we get a monthly reminder that there's no baby while men can kind of deny anything is wrong.

I was in the same place as you where I was convincing myself each month that it was finally my time, but the reality of my hubby and I both having problems has finally set in. After a bunch of testing, we've been told IVF is the only chance we have so I have stopped thinking it could just magically happen for us. I think I've kind of trained myself NOT to expect it to happen, lol.

My DH and I are dealing male factor infertility (MFI) as well, so I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you definitely need a new urologist, so you're on the right path there. You should be seeing someone who specializes in male infertility. There are lots of options for MFI, so don't lose hope. It's possible he has a blockage that could be easily fixed, and there is also TESE/MESA where they can aspirate sperm directly from the source. Even if no sperm were found in the SA, there still can be some in the testicles and that can be extracted.

Good Luck with your appt in Dec and please keep us posted with your progress!! (((HUGS)))

Jemma (35) and DH, (37). Married October 13, 2007 and TTCing since April 2008. Dealing with PCOS, swollen tubes, and also MFI. Committing myself to getting healthy and losing weight in preparation for IVF later in 2012.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 11:47pm
Emily,
I can completely understand your frustration. I became a crazy expert at reading too much into every single symptom every month. The worst for me was because my period wasn't regular it was easier to trick myself into thinking it was actually true. I bought SO MANY home pregnancy tests I am pretty such I helped increase their stock single handedly. I actually was so ridiculous I would go to different stores because I thought they were recognizing me coming in all the time (yes my infertility made me that crazy).

I was never very good at not thinking too much into it. I found I just also needed to put as much energy into the cushion I would need if it did not work. I definitely encourage you to seek more opinions. Often I felt if I had a plan that the dissapointment stung slightly less. Like I had a tool against it becuase I had an idea of what to do next.

I wish you much luck and baby dust.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2011
Thu, 11-10-2011 - 8:21am

I feel your pain, it's quit a struggle!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 9:06pm

Oh man, I totally understand where you are coming from.

Britty  & DH (both 30) TTC since late 2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
Fri, 12-16-2011 - 11:03pm

Yeah I have been there once or twice.

***TTC since 2005. *In fertility treatments since 2007. *Clomid tx's X 4 with 3 of them BFN and 1 that I had 2 false BFP's before the official BFN. * 2009- IUI X3 with all 3 BFN's. *2010- 2 IVF's with both BFN's. * Taking break to pay off IVF bills unti