Starting IVF but my hubby is unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Starting IVF but my hubby is unsure
4
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:34pm
Hi Ladies,

I'm scared.

3 years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy which has left me with many emotional scars and questions. I had to have one tube removed and the other is completely blocked. My doctor has tried to go in and "fix" my tube but my only option to conceive is IVF. I'm ready for it and I have saved money to do this but unfortunately my husband isn't sure of this procedure.

We both beleive in God but do not go to church regularily but all of a sudden this religious side of hubby has come out. He is convinced that God has something to do with this and that maybe this is how our life has been planned out. "If God wanted us to have children we wouldn't have lost our baby" is what hubby says. I don't think he sees this the same way I do. I will never be able to conceive the natural way, he is still able to!

How do I deal with a husband that may not want to go through IVF with me. Should I not push the topic on him and let the discussion rest or do I push and push and push until hopefully he gives in?

Any suggestions???

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 6:41pm
Hi, Nicole,

I'm sorry you're in the position of having to consider IVF. It is a very personal choice for everyone. I am 33 and had to have both of my tubes removed 3 years ago due to blockage and fluid. IVF was my only option. I have done it twice but unfortunately miscarried both times. So I may not be the best source of inspiration. However, dh and I feel that we have done everything we could and know now that we won't look back 10 years from now and be haunted by the dreadful question "what if?". We also know a number of couples who have children who were conceived through IVF. We are so lucky to have this kind of technology available to us.

I think maybe you could do some research, maybe set up a consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist for you and your husband and see if that helps him come around. I wouldn't push, but maybe gently nudge him in the right direction. It is a very intense, not to mention expensive, procedure and he needs to be 100% on board with the decision.

This is just my opinion/suggestion for what it's worth.

Best of luck to you both.

Take care,

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 06-01-2003 - 4:31pm
Thanks for your suggestions Karen! I think I am going to try to have dh talk to his preist about this. I think that may help. We have been to see our fertility doctor and it was all so clinical and cold. I will try not to push the issue but those two words, "what if", will haunt me forever if I don't get the chance to try this. I know that the odds are not always that great but they don't get any better the older I get.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster you have gone through. Do you think you will try again?

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 4:49pm
I hope the more your husband has time to think things over and talk to people he trusts, especially his priest, that he will be more receptive to the idea. This definitely needs to be a decision that you both can accept and live with whichever way you decide. I wish you nothing but the best of luck with everything.

As for me and my husband, right now, we are not considering another IVF cycle. We will be doing some testing to see if there is a reason that I've lost both pregnancies. Depending on the outcome of those tests, we may change our minds and try it again.

Take care,

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:16am
Hi Nicole,

Me and my husband just completed our first IVF cycle (unfortunately, not successful). My husband had several issues surrounding the IVF process and God. We discussed his issues and even though I didn't really understand them, I tried to see where he was coming from. Our IVF clinic has a social worker that specializes in IVF issues, if you have a clinic that does or can find one, I would certainly recommend you and your husband meeting with the social worker to discuss the issues and concerns surrounding IVF. I actually believe that if God didn't want us to have children, he wouldn't have made the opportunity available ie he gave the intellect to the scientists who created the IVF process. I wouldn't just give up though or push your husband, you will really need his support during the process. Try talking to a 3rd party whether it's a social worker, marriage counselor or religious layperson.

BTW, we're going to try again with our 2nd IVF cycle starting my next menstrual cycle.

Good luck,

Sue