Please tell me I'm not a monster (m)
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|Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:35pm|
She got a BFP last week and most of me is delighted for her. She has been through a lot -- 2 m/c, including one at like 12 weeks that was hugely traumatic and required a very unwelcome D&C. So this is the third time that she has gotten pregnant since we started trying. That is sort of hard for me, even though I feel terrible for feeling that way considering all that she has been through. I just want to do it together. It was so much fun having the babies together... it has been a little hard during the last year and a half as my DS's delays became evident. She wants so badly to be supportive and helpful with him but there is not much anyone can do. She always asks how he is doing, and it is hard for me to tell her he is basically the same -- and also hard for her to hear it. We got his results back from the speech clinic in Nashville we went to and they put him in the 3rd and 6th percentile on the age-rated language scales. That's out of 100. I think we knew that but it is so hard to see on paper. I am proud of my DS's progress and I know how far we have come. But sometimes it all seems like a big black cloud hovering over us. I find the new cure-du-jour (we've done everything, diets, accupressure, different speech therapy, EFAs, you name it, we've tried it) and it seems to work for a while, then it stops working. It feels like we're stuck on a conveyor belt at the top of a cliff and if I hold him and keep running we're fine, but sometimes I get complacent and find us so close to the edge and I have to start running again. I hate having to know so much about speech development and signing and the diagnosis of autism and PDD...if I am honest with you I will tell you that is what the cliff is -- it's what we are running from. He has never gotten the diagnosis and I know we are moving away from that all but there were so many months of dread... limited eye contact, incredible mechanical skills, no language, etc. Every once in awhile we will have a bad day, or I will see him out of the corner of my eye doing something and it will make my heart stop. And then we'll start running again. I am just so tired. I know in my heart of hearts that he is fine -- everyone says he is fine. I just can't completely let go of all the worry -- especially when I see how very far he is behind other kids his age.
God, I am such a basketcase right now. I am trying so hard to keep it all together -- and I think I am doing a decent job of convincing people IRL that I'm fine but I'll let you guys in on a little secret: I'm feeling very fragile.
I really never feel envious of others' BFPs, I swear. I'm not sure exactly why this one has gotten to me. It is so unlikely, I know, that we'll get a BFP this month with the timing of the move and all the stress of everything, but I really really want it right now. I mean, I really really really want it. Please please cross your fingers for us. I am so ready with open arms.
I am so sorry to unload all this here. I am just feeling weak and selfish and it stinks.