Please tell me I'm not a monster (m)

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Please tell me I'm not a monster (m)
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:35pm
I just got off the phone with a very close friend of mine. We planned our first pregnancies together and were both insanely lucky enough to get pg right away and carry to term -- my DS and then a month later her DD. She and her DH both are very very close friends. They are the guardians of my DS should anything happen to us. I love them so much.

She got a BFP last week and most of me is delighted for her. She has been through a lot -- 2 m/c, including one at like 12 weeks that was hugely traumatic and required a very unwelcome D&C. So this is the third time that she has gotten pregnant since we started trying. That is sort of hard for me, even though I feel terrible for feeling that way considering all that she has been through. I just want to do it together. It was so much fun having the babies together... it has been a little hard during the last year and a half as my DS's delays became evident. She wants so badly to be supportive and helpful with him but there is not much anyone can do. She always asks how he is doing, and it is hard for me to tell her he is basically the same -- and also hard for her to hear it. We got his results back from the speech clinic in Nashville we went to and they put him in the 3rd and 6th percentile on the age-rated language scales. That's out of 100. I think we knew that but it is so hard to see on paper. I am proud of my DS's progress and I know how far we have come. But sometimes it all seems like a big black cloud hovering over us. I find the new cure-du-jour (we've done everything, diets, accupressure, different speech therapy, EFAs, you name it, we've tried it) and it seems to work for a while, then it stops working. It feels like we're stuck on a conveyor belt at the top of a cliff and if I hold him and keep running we're fine, but sometimes I get complacent and find us so close to the edge and I have to start running again. I hate having to know so much about speech development and signing and the diagnosis of autism and PDD...if I am honest with you I will tell you that is what the cliff is -- it's what we are running from. He has never gotten the diagnosis and I know we are moving away from that all but there were so many months of dread... limited eye contact, incredible mechanical skills, no language, etc. Every once in awhile we will have a bad day, or I will see him out of the corner of my eye doing something and it will make my heart stop. And then we'll start running again. I am just so tired. I know in my heart of hearts that he is fine -- everyone says he is fine. I just can't completely let go of all the worry -- especially when I see how very far he is behind other kids his age.

God, I am such a basketcase right now. I am trying so hard to keep it all together -- and I think I am doing a decent job of convincing people IRL that I'm fine but I'll let you guys in on a little secret: I'm feeling very fragile.

I really never feel envious of others' BFPs, I swear. I'm not sure exactly why this one has gotten to me. It is so unlikely, I know, that we'll get a BFP this month with the timing of the move and all the stress of everything, but I really really want it right now. I mean, I really really really want it. Please please cross your fingers for us. I am so ready with open arms.

I am so sorry to unload all this here. I am just feeling weak and selfish and it stinks.



Avatar for soprano1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:53pm
Oh Jenny you are NOT a monster! You are human. Isn't it weird how certain things can affect us so much, like why my one friend's BFP makes me insanely jealous but not anyone else?

I am sorry you are feeling down, I hope this is the month for both of us, you never know!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:54pm
Don't feel guilty, Jenny. These are very normal emotions you are having and you should never apologize for your emotions. I'm sure when you and your friend were pg together the first time you were able to share all your joys and fears and expectations for the future. Unfortunately life threw a curve ball at both of you~ and things can never be the same as they were then. It is a loss for you, and you are reminded of this loss by her now being pg again- both of you older and wiser and perhaps a little less optimistic to the ways of the world? I'm sure you are happy for your friend after all she has been through- I think many have mixed emotions when hearing of anothers BFP. Happiness and of course a certain yearning and wishing it could be you. You are an awesome strong woman-mother and wife. Your DS is lucky to have you. Continue to love him for who he is.

Some days are hard. We are all allowed. You don't have to try to put up a brave front with us, Jenny~ we already know how brave you are. This is a place to be yourself and be accepted for you. We love you!



Tara and my June bug!  ;o)

co-CL o

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:02pm
Oh sweetie I am so sorry you feel this way. (((((((hugs))))))))

Sometimes when things aren't going your way,and you feel at a complete loss and alone and scared,it helps to just think well,my son could be dying of cancer,(a great fear of mine)we could be homeless, my dh or I could be terribly ill etc. I hope that doesn't sound to depressing,sorry if it does. But them, you look at your child,and think, this beautiful,priceless,precious soul chose me to be his mother(they really do:)he chose me to care and nurture and teach. What an honor!! Any problems you have will make you all stronger and better people. Your child is here also to teach you. You are your childs world right now. He loves you like no other,and vice versa,that is all you need to get through this. You will get through it.

I didn't mean to go on so much, hope this helps you,I hate to see people so sad and upset and I wish I could do more than write a note. I will be thinking of you and your family,


Love,hugs,and luck to you


Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker
Avatar for 1kid2cats
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:02pm
First of all, you are in no way weak. You are a very strong woman, dealing marvelously with a challenging situation. You've been working so hard w/your ds, and ttc, so I know you feel like it's your turn for that bfp (which you WILL get). You're entitled to feel sad that it's your friend's bfp and not yours. (I know you are still happy for her -- and it's okay if feelings of joy aren't exactly bubbling out of you right now!) You're entitled to feel selfish. It'll pass. You're a good person and a great mommy (soon you *will* be a mommy to 1 more); we understand how hard it is to get news of a friend's pregnancy while we ourselves are trying so hard to conceive. I'm really sorry this has gotten to you. I really really hope AF doesn't show up for you. Is there any little thing you can do for yourself that might make you feel better? Like have some tea? A relaxing bath? A big box of chocolate? ;-)

Hang in there. (((((((HUGS)))))))) I'm sorry if I don't know the right things to say ... I really feel for you, and hope you're feeling better soon.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:25pm
Oh Jenny I am so sorry, I have to admit I have my moments of why not me. I am sure it will happen when the time is right and you sound like a great Mother that has done a lot to help your DS. Hugs to you!!! Its ok to vent, cry and feel down sometimes, know your not alone and we are all here for you.


cycle 11 TTC#2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:24pm
First off (((HUGS))) to you. TTC can be such an emotional time but added to that having a child w/a disability can make it that much worse. I know, I know b/c I have two sons with disabilities. My oldest son, Nick, was dx in October 2002 with Autism Spectrum Disorder and less than one month later my youngest son, Max, was dx with Developmental Delay. So I can understand your feelings. I wanted to just offer to you my e-mail address. Just in case you ever need someone to talk to about anything. TTC, Devel. Delay, whatever. You name it. The last 8 months of my life have been a rollercoaster of emotions but I'm smoothing out now. I've gotten past most of the greiving that comes with the dx and have moved on. Right now I'm just dreading an upcoming IEP meeting. My son (Nick) turns 3 soon and will move into the school districts program in the fall. His meeting is just a few days before his birthday (June 7th is his b-day). I wish they'd do things like this in advance but they don't! Anyway, I'm a SAHM and check my messages throughout the day. If you need an ear, I'm here for you!

Crystal, Nick (6/7/00), Max (12/19/01) and TTC #3

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 3:58pm
Sweet Jenny- you could never be a monster! Huge (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))'s just so hard somedays isn't it? I can totally see how hard it is to watch your friend announce the bfp that you were trying for together, and dealing with DS's challenges day in and day out..she doesn't really know what's it's like for you- and I'm sure that maybe makes her words sting just a little bit more. You have every right to be upset and to vent and I'm so glad you can do it here with us- cause we love you SO MUCH!!!!!!! I'm going to share with you that some days I'm here on the board seeing these bfp's and it gets me down too- just because I can't even ttc right now....and I know it's just a feeling that overcomes me and means nothing- I'm so happy for everyone when they get that bfp- you know, so it's okay- really it is, and don't feel alone- cause you're not. Hang in there Sweetie- you're so strong and I know this is such a stressful time right now for you, but I'm still holding that Murphy's Law is going to kick in and that bfp will be yours! Sending you MEGA HUGE TONS of ++++++++++++ PV's and patience vibes so you can get through this next week or two with your move and all! More ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) LOLove, Connie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:55am
(((((HUGS))))) to you Jenny! I am so sorry for what you are feeling. You are, however in the right place to unload your feelings and emotions. That is what I love about this board. It is certainly hard to see BFP's and women who are pregnant (while we were on vacation, our friends are expecting and she looked so cute with her belly it made me so jealous!) but we are only human and cannot be expected to just keep everything deep inside all of the time. Feel free to vent anytime you need to sweetie!

Take care!


Avatar for tessavanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 10:13am
Big huge {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} to you Jenny. You are not a monster! You are experiencing very normal feelings. After reading your post I truly admire what you have done for your son! He is very lucky to have a mother like you.

I am praying and sending huge positive vibes to you so that THIS month will be YOUR month!!!



Avatar for robynanne
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:56pm
Aww Jenny!

How old is your DS? You know, kids really DO develope at their own rates. I am so tired of "averages" for kids developments. Just throw it all out the window and don't worry at all. I know how hard that is, but really, it is the best.

When my son turned 3, it was SOOO hard for me to even imagine him talking. I knew he'd have to get it eventually, but I just couldn't even visualize it. I had a dream once where he came up to me and said a whole sentance and I was so shocked by it that I remember the dream to this day very vividly. I mean, this is the kid that wasn't even saying "mommy" at 3 years. He will be 4 in July now and he just TALKS and TALKS! He even sings songs! He just decided it was time. Einstine didn't talk at all until he was 5 for goodness sakes. The same goes for all other areas of development too. Some people are just slow bloomers. If you don't have it, go look for the children's book Leo the Slow Bloomer (or something like that.) It's about a little lion that can't keep up with the other animals his age. It used to make me cry when I'd read it.

I don't know your exact situation with the autism, but my son is VERY hard to reach at times too. If we don't understand what he is saying the first time, he withdraws into a little shell and won't come out. He gets quiet and sobs and won't look at anyone. If he asks to have, say, mac and cheese for lunch and I say no because I'd already made something else, he'll run to his room and spend the next hour under his bed, screaming if anyone tries to talk to him. (Not that this gets him the mac and cheese so please don't think we have been conditioning him into this behaivor.) If we are going to change his schedule at ALL we have to give him a whole day worth of warning if not more. I'm fairly confident that Gavin is still in the range of normal on all this though.

As for your friend, don't feel bad. You are not mad that she is pg, you are mad that she is pg without you. There is a difference. You are worried that your friendship will suffer even more than it has already because of her feeling sorry for you. You are tired of being the one someone has to feel sorry for. Am I right?

I can't fix this for you and I can't say that you will be pg this cycle for sure. I can just give you hugs and tell you that you aren't alone and that you are still a great person no matter what.