What do I say to my TTC friends?

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Registered: 09-12-2011
What do I say to my TTC friends?
4
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:18pm

I'm posting here because I have two close friends who are both having a hard time conceiving. And I love them.

It has been more than 2 years for both of them, and I see how the frustration and disappointment affects them. They're sad, they're pissed off, they're bitter. Not all the time of course! Generally these are some successful, happy, loving women! They try, try, try and a positive pregnancy test continues to elude them. (Oh and no, these 2 people don't know each other.) They've been to the doctor and everyone's healthy. They've both been told "It's just a matter of time" and to keep trying.

I have 2 kids. When I got pregnant the 2nd time, we told one of the couples over dinner. She literally didn't talk to me for the rest of the meal, and when we were all walking home she stayed 20 paces ahead. I totally understand. I really do. But I also learned that she just doesn't want to have any conversation about babies, pregnancy, etc... And that she just couldn't be happy for me. I have to admit, it really hurt my feelings, and our relationship did change after that. But here we are almost 2 years from that night, and I still avoid talking about my kids with her because I don't want to be a reminder of what she's going through.

My other friend doesn't seem bothered by any kid/pregnancy conversations, but I do see her still get upset when I tell her about some little thing that happened.

Both of these women are going to be amazing moms one day! Until then, I want to know -- what do I say to them about all this? I want to ask "how's the ttc going?" because I care and always hope for some good news, but obviously, I don't want to ask either. I want to thank my one friend for being so supportive off me during my difficult pregnancy, but how do I do that without sounding insensitive? The bottom line is, I love them, and I don't want to make this time in their lives any more difficult than it already is.

Laughing I don't have much to say. Laughing

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Registered: 09-25-2011
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 4:38pm

I had to give this some thought.

I think you're a very kind and compassionate friend. But I'm concerned about how at least one of these friends is treating you. While TTC can certainly be a painful and difficult journey (one of my friends has been TTC for 4 years and it's been nothing less than a nightmare for her), I don't know if it's fair to then ask you to completely close off a huge part of your life.

I can only speak from personal experience. I have friends who got pregnant unintentionally, and when they told me, it actually felt painful to hear. But that was my stuff. I dealt with my own emotions but then congratulated them and I wanted to know about their journey and how they were doing. When they had their children, I wanted to hear about that too - not only because it's what I want for myself, but also because they're my friends and I want to support them. When it felt too painful, I would maybe take a break, but I worked hard to not make them feel bad about being excited about their babies.

What can you say to your friends? I'm not sure at this point. I have learned to accept that most of the people I know in my age range now have babies. The topic WILL be babies because that's what's going on. I can't expect parents to not want to talk about their kids. I have friends who know that I'm trying, and now all I can talk about is that.

It might bore them to tears, or bring up their own fears, but they let me vent and then reassure me that they firmly believe it will happen for me. And I know they believe it. And even though hearing "It will happen" frustrates me, I'm glad people have faith in my journey.

Even if your friends are no longer bringing up that they are TTC, I don't know if you have to check in with them about it or if that will upset them. I do think that both friends that have babies and friends who are TTC should ideally be gentle with each other and support each other, maybe just by listening and having faith in what each person is trying to do.

Ok, I've rambled on forever. I just don't think it's completely fair that you can't ever share the happy things that are going on with you. I think there has to be some kind of balance.

Other TTC'rs here might disagree, and that's ok too, I can see how all of this can just become too painful. I just keep fighting for a middle ground.

 BabyFruit Ticker
Avatar for junew70
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Registered: 09-12-2011
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 1:24pm

Hoping, thank you so much for your thoughtful answers. I definitely see my one friendship as a battle for finding some middle ground. We're at a point in our lives where her TTCing and me being an oversheduled Mom seem to be the biggest things goin on in our lives and thus what we lead with whenever we talk. At least once a meet-up, I'm sure we both think, "Damn, I really just shoved my foot in my mouth on that one." I'm thinking that I need to just be more creative in what we do when we hang out and what we talk about. Thanks again!

(I hope more people reply, but I understand if not.)

Laughing I don't have much to say. Laughing

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Registered: 09-08-2011
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 1:52pm

June, I've been watching this thread to see replies. I'm newly pregnant, and a close cousin has been trying for years. We grew up living 10 minutes apart and have very close birthdays, so we've always been together a lot. We're not so close anymore, but I still feel like I owe her a little extra kindness. She's been TTC for years and seems so bitter all the time. I don't like to talk about my own kids much because she's never happy talking about children. But, my kids are my life, if I don't talk about them then I quickly run out things to say. It gets awkward. She's now resigned herself to being "childless" forever. She knows that her unexplained fertility is partially due to not always ovulating. But, the last time she brought it up, she said they weren't going back to a doctor and weren't going to try anything new. No Clomid, no sperm analysis for her husband, nothing. She thinks if it hasn't happened naturally, then it never will. There are tons of happy families made from so-called unnatural methods. Fertility drugs, sperm banks, IUI, IVF, adoption, even smaller things like lifestyle changes in weight or diet. I can't believe she's just given up!

I don't know what to say to her. I want to call her and tell her myself that we're pregnant. I'm afraid, if she hears it passed around the family, it'll take her by surprise and she'll be even more bitter. I feel like she should have the courtesty of finding out without an audience (like a family gathering) so she can collect herself for a few minutes. But, if I call, then I'm singling her out for her infertility, and that could hurt her feelings, too. I'm not sure how I'll handle things.

Momma to:
Madelyn, February 26, 2001
Aaron, January 2, 2005
Baby #3, October 2, 2012

Avatar for junew70
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Registered: 09-12-2011
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 10:49am
bankerswife, if it were me, I'd tell her. I think you're right, that it would be more disturbing for her to find out while surrounded by a group of people.

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