Brother in law as sperm donor

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2011
Brother in law as sperm donor
12
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 12:26am

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering what your thoughts are on this. My husband and I are not trying to get pregnant just yet, but have talked about it and are planning to try within the next

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 7:53am
It sounds like you have made up your mind already and you're just looking for reassurance. In my opinion, it sounds like this is not okay with you in so many levels and it's okay to feel that way. If you're not on board with your husband's plan, than this is not something you should consider. In all honesty, I don't think either your husband or brother in law can really see the picture clearly and know how this will all turn out in the end. There could be resentment involved and complications that neither are looking at or seeing at this point. For something like this to work, I would think there might have to be a 4th party objective view coming in like a family therapist. Just my opinion, of course. And in my opinion, your reservations are valid and if your husband really can't get you pregnant, you might want to consider an anoymous donor through a sperm bank. At least than you both would know that this baby is truly yours together rather than the threat of someone so close coming in. However, I am sure that it has worked for families in the past, I'm just focusing on what your reservations may be. Good Luck in your decision. I think you have already come to your answer, even though you may not want to admit it knowing that your husband and BIL are so on board but they have to consider how you feel as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 10:36am
I agree with sailorsbelle. It also concerns me that he is saying he'd rather try it the 'natural' way and is suddenly saying he loves you. It can take a healthy couple 6 - 12 months to get pregnant - is your husband comfortable with you having sex with his brother for 6 - 12 months? Something just seems weird there with your BIL wanting to do it naturally, saying he loves you and your DH being ok with that. Just my opinion though.

It may be worth looking into again with the doctor to see if something like IVF or IUI could work with your husband.

Good luck and I hope you're all comfortable with whatever you decide to do :)
 BabyFruit Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 1:30pm
Sounds like a preview for a Jerry Springer episode! This doesn't sit right with me at all. Plus, I totally think you're jumping the gun. I'd be getting dh a sperm analysis & then go from there. There's vitamins & supplements dh can take too, plus with IUI, they wash the sperm so only the good guys are left.

Dh should have asked you before he brought it up with his brother. Plus, the fact that he wants to do it naturally is messed up -this isn't about what *he* wants -this is your decision & if you don't want to have sex with him then that's the end of the discussion. Plus, if he isn't willing to sign over his rights then that should be a deal breaker too. Sounds to me like there is a major blurring of boundaries here. Don't let your husband & bil bully you around...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2011
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 4:56pm

I vote no to the brother-in-law. It just doesn't seem right. I know that there are families that have done it, and they've had great results. But, you're family doesn't seem to be in the ideal situation.

Momma to:
Madelyn, February 26, 2001
Aaron, January 2, 2005
Baby #3, October 2, 2012

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 9:36am
I agree! Natural? No way. I understand wanting to keep the family bloodline type thing, but natural? Nope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2011
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 2:58pm
I agree with everyone, there are a ton of options that a fertility doctor can help you with. You never know until you try. My parents were told the same thing, my siblings are 11 months apart. As for the natural part, in my book, no way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2011
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 4:24pm

Have you thought about having hour hubby's sperm checked, before you worry? He might be more fertile than you realize. My dad was supposed to be sterile. He had a childhood illness (mumps or scarlett fever or something) that caused a long, long fever and sterility. My mom got pregnant the first time on her honeymoon with him, the second time during a one week "we'll see what happens" break from birth control on vacation, and the third time on the pill. Your hubby might be more fertile than you realize.

Momma to:
Madelyn, February 26, 2001
Aaron, January 2, 2005
Baby #3, October 2, 2012

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009

Sounds like you guys have a lot to discuss. I wouldn't do it naturally though. Maybe tell your BIL you don't feel comfortable with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2011
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 8:05pm
Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice it helped a lot. I actually showed this post to my husband with all your comments and it really opened his eyes. He didn't realize I was feeling so apprehensive about using his brother as a sperm donor.

Also,I don't think I mad it very clear in my first post, but my husband has had his sperm checked . This is why he asked his brother to be a donor; because he is almost guaranteed not be able to concieve a child with me. Though we will be trying anyway. My husband and I also talked to his brother and told him that we thought it was great he wants to be our donor but we will be going through a fertility clinic inorder to conceive and if donor sperm is needed he will have to give a sample in clinic for use and proper testing. No natural baby making here. Now, I wasn't sure I wanted to use my brother in law at all, but my husband will not use any other sperm! My brother in law is still on board with this plan even though he thinks it would just be cheeper and easier to just do things at home. However, at least in California, by going through a doctor it will prevent him from being able to make any legal claims to the child later on.

Also, my husband admits that he didn't really want me to ever sleep with his brother, he just thought that it would be the quickest most inexspensive way to get pregnant because it was natural. He didn't really take into consideration that I might have to do this more then once or twice if done during my fertility peek. He also admited that if his medical conditions ever got any worse and he passed away his brother was the only man he would ever deem worthy enough for me to be with! I always knew my husband admired his brother, and his brother really is a good person, but I didn't know he felt this way. My husband also wants to make his brother the guardian of any child we have regardless if we use his sperm or not.

Sailorsbelle is right, my husband and I should really get counseling and figure this all out and thats exactly what we are going to do. Thanks for all the replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 8:17pm
I wish you the best of luck! I think it's great that you and your husband are both sharing your feelings and I hope that continues. :) This is a super board so no matter what route you go, I know you'll find the TTC support you're looking for here and we also have a great invitro board as well. GOOD LUCK to you!

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