Can't Make It Happen (Yes, this is a rant)
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|Sat, 02-22-2014 - 4:32am|
I'm new here, and my name is Jess. I'm 29 yrs old, and my fiance Brian and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past year. By trying I don't mean we count calender days, or any of that. I simply mean, we aren't using protection. And maybe that's where I'm failing...
See, here's the thing: Lately it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant. I swear, for every other woman all she has to do is look at a man and boom! Baby bump. Even, and maybe especially, people who aren't actively trying, or who aren't planning on it, are the ones getting prego.
And it's killing me. And I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my fiance, but he just doesn't get the feeling of failure and shame or how a womans biological clock can overpower her emotions and at times even logic. He keeps telling me the same crap I don't want to hear.
And, because I was born with a congential heart defect, I cant talk to my family, because they have it burned into their brains that baby= death. But, according to my doctors, this is not the case.
The other day my fiance found out that his ex is pregnant. (The one who thought she was unable to conceive, the one who wasn't planning on it...yeah that one.) And it started a long conversation about it. Which turned into a fight, that in the heat of the moment and with all of my emotions so strong, I strongly implied that if we couldn't have a child our future marriage was pointless. Yes, I know. Horrible. I didn't mean it of course, but I was trying and failing to explain how important having a family was to me.
He has a son from his ex, so I feel like his conviction on the subject is not as strong. He already has a child. And, no, I'm sorry, but having a stepson I only see once every few months does not constitute a 'family'. He is 8 and has little interest in me, and I have zero say in anything that happens with him.
It's funny....10 years ago when 'that time' rolled around I was praying to see the first signs of Aunt Flo. Now, every month that I see it I wanna crawl into bed and cry, and every month that goes by I feel like Im slowly going insane