getting jealous now

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
getting jealous now
8
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 1:41am


okay i got a phone call yesterday from another one of my best friends, she asked if i'd go with her when she got her bloodtest done, since she got a faint positive on an FRE. i'm feeling pretty jealous now since she already has one kid and her and her husband fight over petty things(i think the green eyes monster has gotten to me now) yet here it is i've been trying so long i don't know what to do dh has his appt for an SA end of hte month and i still need to find a new dr before then. i just hope that the magic mil is right cause my day is gonna get bad if she's pg. i have agreed to go with her to this dr visit since i support her yet i'm gonna be dying inside if she gets good news.

thanks for letting me vent once more this week

lissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 7:55am
Lissa, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I've never been in your situation but I can only imagine how painful it must be. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with my second child but may be losing the baby. I go and get some tests done today to know for sure.

I have a question that maybe only you can help me with. I have a very good friend and also a SIL who are having trouble getting pregnant. With my sister in law, it's almost a lost cause. They have been trying for 10 years with no luck. My good friend has been trying for only about 9 months but is getting very frustrated. Now, my question. What should I say and do around them as to not make them feel upset or jealous? I know it's got to be hard for them being around my ds (19 months) and now with me being pg again (after just 1 month of trying). I mean I don't want to exclude them from my life, but when you are pg or just had a child, it's kind of consuming and it's your main focus. And, with what we are going though now with this child I need my best friends. They try to be supportive, and around them, I try to discuss other thing, but right now, with my son being sick (having seizures) and my possible miscarriage, it's hard. They are very supportive of me and and my family, put I know it must be killing them inside and that makes me very sad and puts our friendship in a very awkward place. Can you help me to understand through the eyes of someone who is having trouble conceiving what I should be doing to make things easier for them?

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:13am
Dear lisbell9501,

I know how you are feeling. Recently one of my friends called out of the blue to tell me she was pregnant and she was not even trying. Worse yet, she always talked about how much she didn't want children. To top that, my sister-in-law is now pregnant. I am very happy for them but inside I die each time they tell me something new or exciting. Sometimes I feel like one day not much of me will be left. I do not have any real advice on how to handle it besides cry when you feel like it. So much of my anxiety is released in my tears. My husband has gone through testing as well and we may have other issues. I keep the faith but at the same time remain realistic about our situation. I finally decided to be there for them because one day I will need there support too. Hang in there.

Take care,

anxious101

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:14am


susan,

theres nothing you can do to make it easy for someone who's been trying when you didn't have totry long for yourself. my dh and i have been trying about a year and a half and we've had no luck ourselves. all of my best friends have one kid each except for like three of them. i know i'm young and when i tell people i'm 22, they think somethings wrong with that. i really don't know what to tell you, i do wish you the best and i hope things go well for you.

lissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 8:57am
My heart goes out to you, I feel the same way at times. I swore I would never become angry, jealous or bitter about other people's happiness. Yet everytime I find out another friend is pregnant I loose my mind.

I find it especially diffuclt when there is a gathering of friends and everyone has kids but me and DH. I've learned to separate myself from the women and go hang out with the guys. Baby free conversations are much less aggrevating!

The best we can do is have good thoughts and know we will have our own moments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:08am
Susan and Lissa,

I had to jump in your conversation... I too am going through the pains of seeing everyone I know around me get pg, with only 1 or 2 months of trying. DH and I are on cycle 9, and every month a little piece of me dies inside when AF arrives and I find out I'm not pg.

It is interesting because I've got some friends that are very cool about their pg... they don't dwell on it, they don't make stupid comments like 'when you get pg, you'll understand...' and they don't focus all of the attention on themselves. They are simply happy to be pg, but still have other things going on in their lives such that they have something else to talk about. I feel comfortable around them, and ask them questions about how they are doing, can I help them out, whatever...

Other friends (and I use the term loosely) are completely obsessed with themselves, their pregnancy, and act like they need to be on a glass pedastal because they are carrying a child. No, they have had no complications, are just the sort of people who need a lot of attention. These people tell me details that I just don't want to know, and never give the opportunity to let me ask how they are. They have the nerve to complain about the diaper bag someone gave them for a shower gift, by calling it 'baby trauma.'

To make matters worse, they know DH and I are trying, and told another mutual friend that they realize they can be annoying, but they just HAVE to be so excited that all they talk about is the pregnancy.

So you see, there are two completely different styles... some people have sensitivity and knowledge to be kind and not talk ALL the time about themselves, others can't help but do so.

I guess my advice would be to try and spend some time with your friends when you're not talking about being pg. Talk about other things. Tell them what you are going through, but don't expect them to want to hear all of the details. Tell them you need their support right now, and let them come to you. If you force it on them, they might back off.

The reality is, until you have struggled to concieve a child, you really can't understand what it is like... you can't really understand the fears you have that you might never achieve the one thing you were sure of all your life. And, vice versa, your friends can't truly understand what it is like to potentially lose a child.

It's a toughy... don't get me wrong... but it sounds like you are a very sensitive person, otherwise you wouldn't ask the question. I'd be honest with your friends, but respect their space, and that your joy at picking out nursery items, or baby booties just makes them sad.

Believe me, it is hard to be on the other side. I mean, how do you tell one of your good friends that the happiest time in her life makes you go home and cry your eyes out?

I hope this helps... sorry it is so longwinded... it is just such a sensitive subject with me right now, as I struggle to deal with it myself.

I'm keeping you and your son and your baby in my prayers,

Kristen

TTC1 C9 DPO2

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:17am
Lissa

I can totally feel you. My dh and I have been trying for 2 years with no luck. We've had a million test, and with each one, part of me wishes they would find something wrong so we'd have an answer (doesn't that sound awful!) And every time we have a fertility treatment and it doesn't work, I feel like I just get more and more depressed. I know it's hard. This past year has been baby time at my work for some reason. 3 have had babies since June, 1 is due in 2 weeks, 2 are due in October and 2 are due in November. Plus, 2 more just announce they are pg. Did I mention my cousin, neighbor, and husband's best friends wife are all pg as well??? Honestly, everyone handles it differently. I try to smile and be nice at work, often when the conversation turns towards babies (which with so many pg women it often does) I try to walk away and find something else do. Many nights I find myself at home crying because I feel like I can't take it anymore. So mostly realize you are not alone. I have found this message boards are a great relief for me, cause here I really know I'm not alone and I'm not a mean nasty person for feeling jealous of my friends like I do. Sometimes there comes a point where you just have to tell your friends "look I'm happy for you but this is very difficult for me given my current situation" Let them know how you feel, and you may find support in places you didn't expect to. I have to say most of the women where I work are very understanding to my situation and try not to harp on the whole baby thing when I'm around. But, I have found that often people just don't know what to say to me because they don't understand what it's like to want a child so much and not be able to become pg.Just remember you aren't alone, and many women (including myself) who are struggling with fertility feel the same. Try the infertility message board also, everyone there is going thru the same thing, and they are very understanding.

Desire'

TTC#1 since 8/01

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 9:19am


i've learned to just be happy for everyone around me while i've died inside many times seeing all my friends that were responsible and irresponsible, the worst is when they try to give me advice when i say i'm trying. like they know more about my situation than i do. one even once told me that i should wait, since i'm young. i know i'll be able to enjoy my life after a baby knowing it was brought into the world surrounded by love and not an accident that could have been prevented. my heart goes out to anyonewho's goign thru thisbut i fall short of feeling things for anyone that doesn't understnad how hard i gets after a long time. i've been trying for 11 months actively and for 17 months sicnewe started last year.

lissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 12:14pm


well i gave up my last test to my friend, it came up neg(sorta relieved now) now i also have news theres a possible third pg friend, i give up i'm just gonna get as much BDing in until DH has to stop so he can take his SA, i'm not gonna give up yet.

lissa the green eyed monster with blue eyes