HELP, DH is not ready to TTC and I am...

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Registered: 03-28-2003
HELP, DH is not ready to TTC and I am...
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:35pm
Dh says he's not ready, and is in panic mode whenever I bring up the subject of TTC.

Is there anyone out there who could help with this?

I have heard from my friends that their DHs said they weren't ready, and kept on saying it up until the day they found out that they were expecting. Then suddenly, he's on cloud nine.

But, I don't want to present him with one-sided information. AND, he really needs to speak to someone who has been there. His own father is no help. He's convinced that we aren't ready (it's all financial), and wouldn't present an objective sounding board.

DH really needs to be able to explore his feelings with someone who isn't going to push an agenda either way.

I AM READY, and I've tried to tell him that there is never a PERFECT time to start a family. There will always be something else that we'll want to fix, improve or change before we start. Then one day, we'll be 50 and realize that we missed the boat. I know I'm being dramatic.

Avatar for queen_of_moons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:43pm
I am right there with you. DH is totally not ready because of Financial Reasons, which never go away. I sat down and pointed out that it takes time to concieve, be pg, and have the baby (some people here have been here for over a year!). He then started to understand that and is slowly coming around.

The hard part for us as women, I think, is that it is so natural to want a child and to be a mother *(in some people)* the we put all rational thinking out the window.

Try to be kind of patient with him and keep the communication going. Sooner or later one of you will have a break through!

Good Luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:55pm
We also have a religious conflict. He has no particular faith, and mine says that we should be trying.

And I've pointed out to him that when it comes to basic necessities (food, clothing) babies cost nothing for quite a while (depends on how long you breast feed). And we have an excellent support network in my family, so I KNOW our children would never want for anything that we couldn't afford to provide. AND, I have been buying baby clothes and supplies with my spending money for the last five years. We have three packing boxes full of clothes, cloth diapers, etc... It may sound crazy, but why not make up a trousseau for starting a family, people do it for getting married.

Erin & Edmund

married 5 years, we're both 27
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 10:25am
I don't know WHY it is always DH who get's to make the decision...even if the woman is the bread-winner.

My view-point is that a man will NOT change his mind SOLELY on the facts. They are WAY too stubborn. With my DH I had to actually sit down and get him to talk to me about it rather than him throwing around general terms like, "we aren't ready." I asked him to tell me EXACTLY why HE wasn't ready and what he wants to have acomplished before we have kids, and what he NEEDS to have accomplished before we have kids, and WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP. It was mainly a financial thing, as it always is with men. We budgeted and saved up money for a down-payment on a house (that we still don't have). DONE! DH wanted to travel. I don't care for traveling out-side the country. I told him that he could go on a vacation BY HIMSELF because I will NEVER be interested in going to Africa or the Orient (I wouldn't be able to eat!). Well, he ended up take 2 vacations WITHOUT me and to the WRONG places (england, germany, france, and the netherlands....the only places I DO want to go)....but when I tried to rebel he always said, "I KNEW you'd go back on the deal!!" The butt-hole must-have only heard the parts he wanted to hear...but the first trip, I was pregnant, and the second one DD was 4 months I didn't WANT to go. Anyway, that problem is SOLVED.

ANYWAY, to get to my point. Besides striking a deal, that won't do it by itself. The baby BUG has to ACTUALLY BITE a man too before he really wants to TTC. And for that to happen, you have to leave it alone. After you put the idea out there, and don't NAG, many men will start talking about a cute little girl/boy they saw or whatever...THEN you've got them. It wasn't 2 weeks after I decided to pretent to give up and didn't mention it anymoe that DH walked in the door and told me how cute the little girl he saw in the hall was. I didn't jump on it, just casually said something like I didn't really care. After that it seemed like everyday he'd tell me about some cute kid. Before I knew it he told me he needed to have a talk with me and he hit me with, "so...when did you say you wanted to get pregnant?" We decided to try in a few months...but we went for it a month early and got PG on the first try (2 yrs of charting was on our side!)

I've told this to all my friends who's husbands don't want to TTC, but they do. They are all pregnant, or planning on TTC soon.

I can't tell you that this works for the second or third baby though, because DH and I are both in agreement that we need to wait to TTC until we figure out if we are moving out-of-state because most likely, I'll be there ALONE with DD for up to a year or more. YIKES!

Good Luck. And another thing...don't let DH hang out with people with bratty kids...LOL!

(((HUGS))), Meghan

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 10:31am
Ohh yeah...I forgot to mention, that recently I was telling my Cousin-in-law (more like a SIL though) my theory. DH was right there...listening intently..LOL! He agreed with me. When I realized that he was right there, I freaked a little...OH NO, my evil plotting was revealed...but he totally agreed. SHOCK OF MY LIFE!!!! And he's been making sure to tell my cousin all the cute things that DD does. Well, update...COUSIN has the BABY BUG and they are TTC in June.

P.S. Are you sure you want kids?????????...mine's screaming right behind me, "MOMMMMMMYYYYYYY........MOMMMYYYYYYYY....MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!" LOL--gotta love her, she's so cute!

((HUGS)), Meghan and Gabby (18mo)