How supportive is DH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
How supportive is DH?
15
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 8:36am
I thought my DH was very supportive but now he acts like he is annoyed that I can't "just let it happen". I just had an early m/c or "chemical pg" were I had a positive hpt but it didn't stick. So, I guess I wasn't supposed to be upset. He doesn't want this to be a time of disappointment were I am upset every month it doesn't happen. So, I guess I'm not supposed to show any emotion about it. It's not like I am crying and totally depressed but isn't it normal to feel a little bummed out? Then my neighbor asked what all I've looked up on the internet about pg and he said as he rolls his eyes, "She's on there everyday" like it just really annoys him. He is taking the attitude that if it happens it happens. I feel that way too but when all this stuff is going on it is hard not to want to know what is going on with your body, what others are going through, etc. I don't know, now I feel like I should just not talk about it to him anymore and I have to sneak around to on this board or something. This is not how I imagined us TTC. We have been married for almost 7 years now and this is the first time we have decided to TTC. I think it is a major deal! Sorry if he doesn't. He's just making me feel weird about it. Anyone else experience this?

Thanks,

Jen

TTC#1 C2.5 D3

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Avatar for cook6
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 9:28am
Jen,I am going through something with my dh as well lately when i ask about bd he makes little comments like the only reason i want to bd is to get pregnant he says that i never wanted to bd so much before we desided to ttc wich is true but the reason for me not wanting to bd so much before was because my blood sugars were not good before I got back on my diet so i could ttc and i stayed sick or really tired and now I have more energy and feel a lot better now and now he dont want to bd like he did before he use to want it all the time I feel like he has changed his mind about ttc if thats not it then he is just being really insensitive to how I feel my dh also seems anoyed about me being online alot I just cant figure out why he is being like this I wish you the best of luck

Anita

ttc#3
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 9:30am
I have one of those hubby's. In 1999 I had a ruptured ectopic after having 2 children with no problem at all. The after my ectopic, it took us a year of trying and then we gave up and all of a sudden I was pregnant! He was rolling his eyes at me about the boards and being on the computer and still does. Although this time around, he is paying attention to the information I am learning about which he didn't want to hear anything last time. I don't even know he knows I'm on the boards but I do talk about women online and their stories. It's a guy thing. Don't worry to much-they hate it when the attention is off of them!!! GOOD LUCK!!

Teresa

3 boys 12,9, 21months

angel baby 11/99

TTC#4 C#2 CD#13-going for the girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 11:05am
Jen and Ladies,

Men can be real a**h***s.

That being said, we women have to understand that men are different. They are raised differntly, society tells them to act strong and manly. Even on this board, we see the earliest of gender role stereotyping with the pinks and blues asssigned to girls and boys. We often encourage our men to "be a man" when we want hem to act a certain way.

I have learned in life and in my marriage, that there are some things I discuss with my girlfriends and you'all here in detail, not my DH. Men are programmed to fix things. Have you noticed when you go to a man for support, they ask "what can I do"? Men want to make things work (fix cars, electronics etc) In TTC, I believe men can feel powerless. They may even be feeling a bit impotent (not literally) that they are not man enough to knock you up. The pressure can be enormous for them. However, they are not emoters (showing their feelings as much as us). They tend to act angry,annoyed, or disconnected.

Sorry for the rant. I have just learned to seek different kinds of support from different places. That is why I am here!

Sorry DH is being a man! We are here for you sweetie. Hang in and make that baby!

Tee

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 11:43am
Hey Jen, your story sounds very similar to mine. My DH does not want to hear anything about this ttc thing. He thinks if it happens, it happens as well. He thinks I'm nuts to be on the computer all the time, looking up info., and on the boards. I just don't talk about it with him and get on the computer when he is not around. I'm with ya... the guys are not very supportive. I had a chemical preg. in May as well. I know the emotions and it is very hard. So keep your head up and do what you need to to deal.

Take care!!!!

Ann

ttc #1, c5, cd9
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 1:35pm
Thanks girls, it helps to know it is not just my man but most men! DH was trying to talk about it today saying stuff like maybe you can only get pg if we do this or that. I was just like yeah, maybe. I guess it was his way of letting me know that he does want to be TTC. I am just going to have to understand that he is going to deal with it differently than I am. I guess it's just not too manly to want a baby :)

I'm glad I have wonderful ladies like you to talk with! I don't know how I'd deal otherwise. Thanks for your support!

Jen

TTC #1 C2.5 D4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 2:10pm
Hang in there. Men have VERY different ways of dealing with these situations. For starters, his natural inclination is to try to "solve" your problems... but he can't solve the chemical pregnancy. Deep down, he's going through this turmoil, along with the pain of what could have been. Women look for a sense of community in times of crises, while men retreat into their "caves." Some recommended reading (which helps me with my DH): "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen.

Stay close, keep the lines of communication open. Let him know how his attitude is hurting you. Somewhere in there he's going through the same pain as you, he just wants to express it differently.

I'm sorry for your loss. Best of luck in your journey.

Tami TTC#1 C12

(waiting for AF so I can start CC1)

Tami
Mommy to Anna 7.7.04 & Ben 11.19.06

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 5:24pm
OMG. Me made over.

I got pregnant with my first child and ex husband 10 years ago on clomid, had a miscarriage a year after by natural conception since then been divorced and am now with my nBF of 7 years and haven't conceived until This June. I just had another miscarriage by natural conception again. We both have one child from our past relationships but I feel it is important to have one of our own especially since this recent surprise and disappointment. All it did was give me disappointment & baby fever and he not cooperating like I want him to. I will need clomid to conceive and carry and I overheard him saying to a friend that it takes the fun out of everything & after this miscarriage he insists that we wait a couple months blah blah blah. He acts like I talk way too much about it and that he doesn't care one way or the other.

It's really ticking me off.

What is with these insesitive men? GRRRRR!!!!

Cara

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 5:37pm
Jen, Ann, and all other ladies with those "unsupportive" DH's...

I know exactly how you are feeling. My DH and I have been married for almost 2 years, and are TTC#1. He tells me he's ready to start a family, but that's as far as it goes. I know he'll be an incredible daddy, but It's so discouraging to have his be so distant from the entire topic.

My DH doesn't even talk about getting pregnant. I'm 11 days late for AF, and getting a BT done on Tuesday.. Getting BFN's at home, although I have symptoms. He keeps telling me I'm giving myself symptoms since I want a baby so bad, and tells me I'm not pregnant... he says he "just knows." It's hard wanting something so bad with an unsupportive hubby. I ask him why he doesn't talk about it at all, and he says it's because I talk about it enough for the both of us... He tries to assure me that once we know for sure we are pregnant that he'll be totally different. I sure hope he's right. I feel all alone in this.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement... it means a lot when I can't turn to my husband.

luck to all..

Cathy TTC#1

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Lilypie Baby Birthday
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 12:19am
HI,

I know what you are going through. My DH and I are TTC#2. Our DS happened RIGHT away!!! Now we are on C4 CD12. And DH is just with the lets not TRY lets just let it happen. I can't even mention when I am o'ing or anything. I just say ok sex tonight! He knows that I am on here he just calls in my "Cackling Hens" board. Well DH and I have been married for almost 7 years also. I understand. He is not as bad as he could be. I hope you get your BFP soon. Me too!!

Tammy

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Avatar for jennhalcyon
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:29am
Jen,

SOunds like you could be talking about my DH!! Some days he gets excited thinking about it, and how we'll tell everybody, etc. But most days he thinks it is just supposed to happen naturally, and by that he doesn't mean without meds, but rather that I don't chart and that we just BD when we feel like it and POW! we'll be pg! I wish!

So just be assured that you are not alone!

Jenn

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