I am a horrible person....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I am a horrible person....
5
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:06pm
I am just awful. And I think I am becoming depressed. Here is what happened yesterday:

Well, first of all, when DH & I started TTC our 2nd I confided in my very close cousin that we were trying. Well, she told me then that they wanted to have another one b/c they wanted a girl (they have 2 boys: 1998 & 1999). ANyway, both of the boys were premature and she almost lost the 2nd one at just a couple of months. Her DR. told her SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN. Well, of course I assumed we would be pg by now. So basically her and I have both been trying to get pregnant "together" for a while now. Well, just a couple of months ago she called me and told me she had found out she was pregnant and a week later she miscarried. Well, yesterday was her oldest's sons birthday so I was at his birthday party when all of a sudden my aunt (her mom) says, "Hey, did you tell Sheree the good news.?" Of course I already had an idea what was coming and sure enough she said, "I'm pregnant". What I don't understand is why they are telling everyone so soon. She barely found out the last time and then miscarried. Plus, she was on anti-depressents because she is so stressed; just a few months ago her and her DH were separated and talking about a divorce; plus she told me they hardly ever had sex! And yet she gets pregnant! I feel awful for feeling this way but it just seems so unfair!

When I told my mom and DH when I got back I just started bawling and couldn't stop. My mom and I had a good long talk and her and DH made me feel a lot better, but I am still depressed. My mom was exactly who I needed to talk to because she went through the same thing. It took her and my dad 5 years to get pg with my sister and then another 5 with me! She said she finally just got to the point where she just gave up and that is when it happened. Well, I need to go, work is extremely crazy this week. I have more to say but just not enough time. Has anyone ever gone through this or felt this way? I should be so happy for her but instead I am jealous and I feel hurt, even though she didn't do anything to me. I guess I just feel hurt by life, but hey, I could be in a worse situation right?

Sheree--by the way...I am thinking about changing my username. I'll post an update if I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:19pm
(((((hugs)))))) you are not a horrible person. I think a lot of us have felt the same way. TTC is very difficult and emotional. It can be so frustrating when people close to you seem to get prg. very easily and you are trying so hard! I have been in that situation myself.

((((((hugs)))))) and I hope you get a BFP soon.

Jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 2:41pm
You are not a horrible person. We have ALL felt that way at one time or another. I must admit, it sometimes feels like a smack in the face when your are ttc and you find out someone, who hasn't been ttc, or who we feel are less deserving than ourselves ends up pregnant. I seen the little green eyed monster called jealous this weekend myself. Some friends of ours, who just got married in Nov 2002 are already pregnant and I cried all weekend. I know I should feel happy for them and I do, honestly, I do, but at the same time I couldn't stop myself from thinking about me and DH and our little family we hope to have someday. Please do not feel like you are alone.

Logan

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 3:25pm
You are not a horrible person. You are acting normal. It is disappointing to see other people become pg when you do not and you want it so badly. Especially, when it seems to come so easily to others. Some women do not worry about m/c and tell the world. I always felt envious of them because I was always afraid of a m/c and was afraid to the tell anyone. I was 12+ weeks before I told my friends (I even lied when a close, dear friend asked if I was pg) and 17wks before I told my coworkers! But I've had friends who have told the world the day they took the HPT. Just this weekend, I found out 2 people I just met were pg and had just found out days earlier. Even my husband was wondering why they were telling everyone. It's just that some people don't worry about the risks and others do.

I have felt the way you do. Even today, after having a DD, I still feel that way. Somehow, my one m/c and 2 years TTC will always hang with me and I guess I will always feel jealous of the women who conceive quickly and tell the world. It is unfair, but it doesn't mean that you won't get pg some day. Just because you feel this way, doesn't mean that you're a bad person. You're just wishing for something you can't seem to have right now. But you will.

Hugs to you!

Christy

TTC2 C3 CD28 13DPO

BFd big sis for 14 mths. Hope to nurse Kyle even longer!

Avatar for tutter13
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 1:20pm
Oh Sheree, you are not a horrible person. I remember when a close friend of mine got pregnant I felt the same as you. She already had 3 kids, was divorced, and having problems with the guy she was with (whom she is no longer with). Not to mention, they were just 2 people who just shouldn't have had a kid together (a lot of medical (i.e. heart) problems). Also, she had no job, badgered her XH for more and more all the time (he pays his support and does his job). Then she feels her XH should have to pay her more 'cause she now has another kid. Um, it's not his. Anyhow, sorry to go off on my tangent, I felt the same as you since I wasn't yet pregant. She knew we'd been trying. While I realize she didn't try to get pregnant before me, I can't help but think it was a planned pregnancy, although they swear it wasn't. Mind you, all of her kids were oopps according to her, but I've gotten her to admit to that, with the exception of the last.

Anyhow, it's only natural to feel this way. Don't beat yourself up over it. Know we are here for you and we understand. Hang in there sweety. {{{{HUGS}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 5:32pm
Huge (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Sheree, it's okay and normal to have those feelings- I know I would and do from time to time. Shhh...my feelings have been on the funk here lately just because of my hang up and not being able to ttc- I'm happy watching the other ladies, new and old, get there bfp's here on the board, but it stings and once in a while you just have to let go and get it all out- the frustration, the hurt, the why me issues.... it cleans the soul, mind, and body so you can better tackle those ttc issues and put that smile on and believe, yes believe, that your bfp will come soon and you just have to be patient. I'm so glad you had DH and mom to help you through that yesterday. Hang in there Sweetie and ++++++++ PV's soon- coming your way! LOLove, Connie