I love DH, but.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
I love DH, but.....
6
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:26am


I need to vent! We've been TTC for 14 months now. DH is on board, but it's not a priority with him. Sometimes he doesn't want to BD during O, and sometimes he tries to convince me that we'd be better off w/o kids. He actually says he'd be happy either way - having kids or not. So sometimes I feel like I'm the only one working on it.

Here's my current problem. We started fertility testing in c10, and since then I've been poked and prodded up down and sideways (several pelvic exams, 4 blood tests, an HSG, a transvaginal ultrasound that felt worse than the HSG, etc., etc). I've had to take time off work to do each of these, including explaining to my boss that I had to leave an important all-day meeting for a blood test (day 10 test).

Now DH is overdue for his second semen analysis. The first one was inconclusive because the sample was too small. He HATED doing it and it was a bad situation. It had to be done in a military hospital, so the idea of doing *that* in uniform, in a bathroom, sitting on a toilet, in a busy hallway, was not the ideal situation. So now he has to redo it to get a better sample. Ladies, it's been 2 months and he still hasn't done it!!! My re-assessment is next Wednesday and it won't be worth anything if we don't have all of the data. He had an appointment this morning but putzed around at home and didn't get there in time. Now he says he wants to try a local hospital which is 5 minutes away so he can do it at home. I'm worried that it will cost too much or they won't be able to get the results to my doctor in time. I'm very sympathetic to his plight. It's an uncomfortable situation for him, and he's too busy with his job and other work to break away that often. But I'm 35 and don't want this to drag on for years. The problem is that it's just not a priority for him, even though he says he knows how important it is for me. I hate to pressure him because he's very uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I'm getting to the end of my rope.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don't have anyone else I can talk to because I don't want to badmouth my DH, who I love very much. But sometimes I feel alone in this process.

Beth

Avatar for sssjjjbbb
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 11:47am
((((HUGS)))))

I am about to start the same process and even though my husband says he is going to cooperate, I have a feeling it is going to be hard.

I hope you get pg right away so DH and you can both relax.

I'm sorry you are having a stressful time.

Men just don't get it sometimes!!!!

Avatar for annemd03
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:19pm
Hi Beth...

Just wanted to send you some (((hugs))) and tell you to hang in there. I know how frustrating it can be...especially when you feel you have no one to talk to. I definitely know how that is. I never want to talk about things that bug me about DH to my friends or family (serious things, that is, LOL) because he IS my hubby and I love him. But sometimes, it can make you feel a bit alone. Just know that we are here to support you....

I'm in a similar situation...I'm 36 and DH is 34...so we feel we don't have a ton of time left to get PG. I'm starting my first Clomid cycle this month...and we are considering getting a semen analysis test kit from the drug store, just to be sure that DH's count is high enough.

I wish you luck and hopefully DH will get that SA done in time!

Take care,

Anne

Anne - Proud Mommy to Rachel Elizabeth!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:19pm
I'm sorry your DH is being "a man". My DH is the same way at times, The best advise I can give is to sit him down and TRY to talk to him. Be a little casual about it , you know how they hate to be cornered. Try and make him understand that it takes two, and he has a very important role in this right now. They have huge egos, and half the problem is him thinking that there might be something wrong with his sperm. I hope everyting works out for you. Please keep me informed, any time you want to chat, kellyjcanty@hotmail.com.

Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 1:46pm
Hi,

I am so sorry you DH isn't cooperating.

Have you asked if he can do the SA at home and bring it to the military hospital afterwards. A cousin of mine had her DH's SA done and they did it at home and had 2-4 hours to get it to the hospital until it went bad. I think they had to keep it cool, maybe with ice packs? Not sure exactly. You would need to inquire.

Good Luck and we are always here to help you along even if some of us cannot directly relate.

-Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 1:47pm
Thanks - the hugs and support mean a lot. I feel like DH and I are a team and I don't want others to think badly of him. So I can't talk to my family or friends about my feelings toward him during these episodes. So I really appreciate the support from this group!

It is scary when you think about age and how long it's taking, but hopefully the Chlomid will give you big + soon!

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 1:49pm
I'm sorry DH is being such a stereotypical guy! They have that nasty habit. I think that being a father or wanting to be a father only happens to men after the baby is born. My DH wants a baby, but I think it's more about continuing his line. Don't get me wrong, he'll be a great father, but I think the desire to procreate comes from a different place. With me, it's a nurturing thing. I want to adopt if things don't work out, he doesn't. I talked about foster care, he wasn't for it. I don't think men are natrually meant to be into being dads until after the fact. It makes sense though. They make a *deposit* and we spend the next 9 months growing a child inside of our bodies. The men just watch us get big!

I definitely agree that he should get a semen analysis. 50% of all infertility is male factor. They're lucky though. What they have to do is so natural and we have to get poked by doctors. Here's my story that I always talk about with people when the man just won't go . ..

My best friend tried for 1 year to get pg with their 2nd child. She had tests out the wazoo and was looking at doing IVF. She was at the doctor's every month and taking shots, getting Clomid, just about everything I've ever read about. Well to do the IVF, he had to give a sample. GUESS WHAT THE DOCTOR FOUND. . . . Only .2% of his sperm were viable. There were morphology and motility problems. He had a condition that is called viscole (sp). Basically, he had vericose veins on this testicles. Because of this his sperm would never be normal unless he had surgery. He did and 1 month later, she was pg. Just think, she could have already have a 4 or 5 month old if he just went in for an analysis.

I hope that my story can help you. I'm sorry that men have to be men sometimes. I really believe we're from two different planets!!!!

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Cat

TTC#1, C5, CD10