I need some advice on DH

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Registered: 05-04-2003
I need some advice on DH
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Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:10am
Ok I'll start with the story, back in the beginning of Feb, My kids and I went to visit my mom in cali for a week. My DH stayed here to work. The day after he got back from taking me(couldn't afford for me to take myself) a girl from his work asked him out for drinks....and he went.(there was another guy there too.) at the bar, the girl got into a fight with another girl and my DH broke it up(he always tells me that I have to fight my own battles) well the three of them went to her house, my DH fell asleep in her bed...(which I guess in her living room) anyway...instead of sleeping on the floor...she crawled into bed with him...he tried to hid it, but the truth wided up coming out....(they didn't do anything so he says...) but I don't want him having anything to do with her except professionally at work...(he is a step above her) the other day he went through her line to buy some stuff(I should mention that DH works at a grocery/department store) I asked him not to do that again because I don't want him to have anything to do with her....He did it again tonight...my question is Do I have the right to be upset???

TIA

vanessa

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Registered: 04-28-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:39am
Uh, yeah you have a right to be upset! At least I would be. I just pray he is being honest with you about that night. DH and I went through some of the same kind of garbage a couple of years ago and I am still bitter about it. He had the problem of going out with his friends every night and lying to me about it. The thing is I was at home all day by myself with an infant and it was very hard. The last straw was a strip club he went to and lied to me about it for a month before I got the truth out of him. All this time I knew he was lying to me about it all. How do you feel about it all? Do you believe him? Has he been acting strange or different? I personally would do some ass-kicking if I found out he had slept in the same bed with another woman, but I can be a little insecure and over-reactive about stuff like that. But it really bothers me. If you are sure he telling the truth and nothing else like this has happened before and you are sure you have nothing to worry about just try and let it go and forget about it. But be sure your DH knows it isn't okay for this type of thing to happen. Just like with husbands who have affairs, if you just let it go with no problem, he will think it is okay and has been basically been told it is okay to do. He needs to know how much it has upset you, that it bothers you and you are serious that he doesn't need to socialize outside of work with her. If he takes you seriously enough and really cares enough he will see that, and respect your wishes considering it vastly affects you what he does with this girl. I didn't mean to go on so much, but it just reminded me of what I had been through and I am still a little bitter about being made a fool of without even knowing it. Just talk to him. He needs to understand your point of view. And he really doesn't need to be going through her line either. He needs to see that. I hope this all works out for you. It is unneccesary stress for you. Good luck.

Love and hugs,

Stacy
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Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 1:45am
Sweetie,

You do have a right to be upset. I don't know what it is about guys but like Stacy my DH was going to strip clubs with out me knowing (for a long time) And I was also at home with an infant. We also had other problems going on. Don't make the mistake of bottling this up just because you don't want to deal with it. That is what I did and I still get upset. We have finally started to deal with it. You need to let him know that if you are going to trust him he needs to be completely honest and respect your wishes. If the shoe was on the other foot he would be going CRAZY! Honey, be honest with him and stand up for yourself. Trust me your relationship will be stronger in the long run. Marriage is work and nobody said it was easy. And when you can get through things like this the relationship is much stronger later on. As long as you two are honest with eachother. Yes he has to work with her but that is all. If he can not respect that then there is another issue there. I hope this all works out for you. Just know that you are not the first person to have to go through something like this. We are here for you not just for TTC. ~~~~~HUGS~~~~~

Tammy

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:12am
Hi!

Not only do you have the right to be upset, you have the right to be downright pissed off. This is ridiculous...first of all, what kind of women is he hanging out with that get themselves into bar brawls? I agree with Tammy and Stacy, don't be upset anymore, get angry. If you keep letting things go with a "oh honey, i wish you wouldn't" type attitude, he's going to keep doing these things. And you're trying to have a baby on top of that? That is putting a lot of stress in your life if you ask me. In my opinion, you need to get this straightened out with him and make it clear what's fair and unfair right away, because it doesn't seem to me like he's getting it. And you shouldn't have to be tip-toeing around him either...and this girl sounds like a real skank. What's wrong with men? My DH thought he was cute a couple of years ago going to happy hour all the time...NO!!! Anyway, I told him that wasn't the kind of lifestyle I was interested in (and trust me, I have a drink or two often) but I know the kind of people that frequent bars...not pleasant for a marriage, and definately not pleasant for baby breeding. So I told him if that's what he wanted, count me out. This was before we were married, he did change, or I wouldn't have married him. I'm not saying be a bitch, I'm saying be firm, and make it clear of what you want. Good luck, Sweetie.

LOLove,

Danielle
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Registered: 07-10-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:16am
Damn right you should be angry...I'm sorry!, Idon't put up with anything like that in my marriage. A partnership is 50-50...you don't need this...the way I see it is if he is betraying you then he is also betraying your children!! Honesty is sooo important. I'm sure he hasn't done anything, but that doesn't excuse what he has done. talk to him and let him know how you feel. I agree with the previous message...he would be going crazy if the shoe was on the other foot!! I hope everything is fine..!!
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Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 8:45am
Vanessa;

I agree with what Stacy said but I want to add something I have learned about men. They just do not think like us. You think that his actions are disrespectful to you and your family. He thinks it is harmless. For instance, my husband and I were dating and he had this "friend" a girl who hated my guts. She was a nasty B*tch to me every chance she got. My husband's mother passed a year before we were married-we were engaged at the time and she showed up at the viewing, funeral and afterwards get together and do you know she never once said a word to me. I told my husband...she is in love with you and see's me as competition. He said no way...we are just good friends. Years go by, he goes out with a guy friend and runs into her ...hadn't seen her in a while. He was talking to her and she walked away. His friend said...man! she is totally in love with you! Hubby was like..no way...she is a really good friend and Heather has always said that...friend said...dude you are so blind...she totally wants you! Heather is completely right! Hubby came home and told me...I was like...finally!

See guys just don't look at the same situation the same.

I certainly hope that his actions are totally innocent and without a thought of hurting you but as your hubby he should respect your feelings and stay away from that troublsome girl. She obviously wants to get with him in some way shape or form. Good luck...and big hugs!

Heather

TTC #4

Heather

 

 

 

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Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 6:07pm
Stacy, thank you...I am also a bit insecure..Sometimes I believe him, but then when we(him and I and our kids) are at the store together, like on his day off....they exchange glances..or she'll wave at him...(she knows I don't like her) She has told him that she thinks I hate her..(before that happened everytime I talked to her I was always nice) Other than guilt for something, she has no reasons to believe that I hate her, I've never told her so...I don't talk to her anymore...Oh did I mention he calls her Lizzy...(her full name is elizabeth) My full name is vanessa...only the people close to me either call me Nessa or Nessy..I asked him not to call her that, that it seems too "personal" and he was like "its just a name" but I was like "it makes you seem like you know her "personally" " anyway..again thank you for your advice...

vanessa

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Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 6:24pm
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who responded...Whenever I do bring her up, he gets a little offensive...That is what makes me think the worst... My DH isn't the only one she tried with...when my DH's boss and his wife were having trouble...who was the first one in line to try and make him "feel" better... I told (back in Feb) when I got back home..if he wants a bar-hopper, then go get her, but don't think I'm going to let the kids around that (we have 2) and that that wasn't the best influence on them...you know what I mean...she went away for like 2 months (she was having mind troubles) and while she was gone...Our relationship went great..as soon as she came back, things started getting weird at home again...Anyway...I guess I should stop going off like this to you guys...I really do appreciate the advice and support...

vanessa

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Registered: 07-13-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:06pm
I am really sorry that you are feeling bad...but i agree with whomever said that you need to be angry....after reading your post about this I felt that I was angry toward him...If I found out my hubby fell asleep in a girl's bed while I was out of state with the kids, his @$$ would be grass...I don't care if they had been best of friends since kindergarten...that is absolutely showing you disrespect and disloyalty toward you...you are his wife...you should be the center of his world...you deserve no less than that...and then for him to continue going through her line after you have expressed your feelings?? You definitely need to realize that you need to get the upper hand in this...either he needs to shape up...or get a rude awakening...how in the world would he feel if you fell "asleep" in another man's bed?? He would probably go ballistic...Please please please stand up for yourself and demand you be treated with the respect and love that you deserve...you have every right to be angry, hurt, resentful, etc...Get angry girl...show him a side to you he doesn't know...because if he thinks it was okay once...you betcha he will do it again...wish I could kick his butt for you...hang in there...you deserve better...make yourself realize that...and it won't hurt to let that grocery tramp know she is walking on your territory...

~creedprincess~
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Registered: 05-16-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:07pm
Hey Vanessa,


I hope that all works out for you. I would like to offer one more thought to you, take it or leave it. This seems like a potentially serious problem. You may want to take into consideration the effect this will have on your new baby. I would be sure that all is OK, and your husband is the husband and father you want, before adding a new little one to the mix. I really wish you well. I find the way you are feeling 100% correct, and I think that your husband is disrespecting you and your marriage (whether "something happened" or not) Sleeping at a girls house is wrong enough.

Denise

 

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Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:44pm
Oh, Vanessa, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Guys who cheat make me so angry. I'm not one to beat around the bush or tip-toe around things, I believe in being straight forward and honest and I don't believe in excuses for adultry. Life is too short to be treated like cr#% by the person that's supposed to love you and make you happy. There are enough other people in the world to do that.

You weren't there, how do you know there indeed was another guy? I'm not trying to be mean or make you feel bad but you need to open your eyes, Vanessa, and see with clarity. You don't go out with another woman unless it's your(his)sister. If there WAS another guy there, why didn't your husband go HOME that night? Too much to drink? Too late? Too tired? No, no, no. None of them are good enough, Doll. Too much to drink? Stop it, that's for kids in high school, not a grown man with a family. Too late? Again, he's a grown man that is responsible for his behavior and should know well enough to get his A&& home. Too tired? NO! AGAIN, he's a big boy, when you're tired, you go HOME!

Your husband has shown complete and utter disregard and DISRESPECT for YOU and his children by sleeping at another woman's HOUSE! Unless it's his SISTER his butt should have been home in his OWN bed...ALONE! Then you ask him to quit going through her line because it upsets you and he does it AGAIN?! Vanessa, you need to stand up for yourself, no matter what it takes. If you don't demand respect from him, you will never get it and he'll keep doing this kind of thing. Do you really think a man who would go out with another woman, sleep at her place, in her BED, AFTER he drops you off is worthy of YOUR time and respect? Do you want another child with this man at this point? What will that solve? Look at what you're going through and this happened back in February and it's obviously not better! There are issues that you need to resolve before you TTC anymore with this guy. You need to be strong and deliberate with what you say. If he gets defensive then there's an issue because if he felt bad about hurting or upsetting you in anyway, he'd be kissing your feet instead of walking through HER line and WAVING back at her when he goes into the store.

It's your life and you need to handle it the way that works for you. Of course I don't know what your situation is but if it were me, I'd set some definite bounderies (I'd probably kick him out or leave myself for awhile and if/when I was ready to return):

(1) Find a different store. I don't care if he gets a discount at his store, when he's off, he has NO OTHER reason to be there. Period. You and the family don't go with him to see if he talks to her or waves at her, etc, you just DON'T GO TO THAT STORE. How can you continue to go and watch them interact? He should have absolutely NO CONTACT with her even when he's at work. It bothers YOU, end of story. You're not being a nag or insecure without cause and he needs to fix that.

(2) Tell him you want a HUSBAND, not another child. You are not going to mother him or GROUND him. And DON'T. You should not have to "police" him, watch him, etc. He should be acting on his own accord to show you that he is sorry and trying to re-earn your trust. He should be leaving on time (not earlier than normal), coming home on time (not "working late"), and offering to spend as much time with you and the family as possible, especially on his days off. If there's shopping to be done, leave him home with the kids and YOU go take care of it. If these kinds of things aren't happening, be wary. I hope you find the courage and strength to get things back on track or take some time off and allow him to see what it would be like without you. You are too special and wonderful to allow the person that vowed to love you and respect you treat you like this. They are walking all over you with their waving and continuing to see eachother even in your presence. He needs a taste of reality and to know that you will not tolerate him being disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings. Good luck to you.

Susan

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