I'm so mad!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
I'm so mad!!!
9
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:06pm
Everyone here knows the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I'm very upset by a recent "mailbag" letter to the editor People magazine has published. It reads:

"I understand being told you can't have children is tragic. But what's even worse is the number of unloved children who wind up in foster homes. I believe all children are a gift from God, and that in-vitro fertilization is one of the most selfish procedures around. If two people can't have children naturally but still want to be parents, then they should save their money, reduce the world's overpopulation and adopt."

The nerve of this lady. I understand that everyone has a right to their opinion, but to pass that judgement when you haven't been thru the battle of trying to get pregnant and not being able to. The desire to have a child is overwhelming, and the desire to give birth to one's own as great. I am by no means against adopting, and if IVF doesn't work, we will (actually already started looking into it), but to call me selfish for wanting to have a biological child with the man I love and married??? Am I being silly for being so upset over this letter? I just don't think you can pass judgement on my feelings without feeling them for yourself. I e-mailed a letter to the editor of People expressing the fact that I thought it was very insensitive of them to publish this letter when the battle of infertility is such an emotional roller coaster.

Maybe if we all e-mailed them, they would at least acknowlege the hardship of TTC and not being able to. They could have at least published a letter in support of those of us going thru the struggle!!! editor@people.com

By the way, there is a great article on Brooke Shields and her IVF battle. Makes us "normal" people realize that we are not alone in wanting to conceive our children. I really hope this letter doesn't upset any of you and if it does I apologize in advance. I'm really not against adoption, but I just think you shouldn't judge until you've been on the fertility ride!!

Desire'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:22pm
I am totally agreeing with your point of view! How easy it is for people to judge others when they cannot sympathize. I'm sure if this woman had a daughter who couldn't get pregnant "naturally" she would feel differently. I have a beautiful niece and nephew conceived with Clomid-I wonder if that would count as a selfish way to have children since my BIL and SIL didn't just adopt. What an a$$ this woman is for saying that. Obviously, it just doesn't hit close to home for her, so she has an easy time passing judgement. She just needs to get over herself! Well, I don't blame you one bit for getting upset. I have the utmost respect for every woman's (and man's)right to do whatever it takes to have the family they desire. And, like you, I am all for adoption, but that option does not take away the desire to have your biological children with medical intervention for many people. I, personally, would not have just given up and decided to adopt without taking advantage of what science has to offer. Her comments could be likened to saying that elderly people who would have died but instead were saved through new, expensive medical interventions are just overpopulating the world. I mean, they could just save their money and die. Gimme a break!

Well, that was very long winded of me. Sorry about that. But I am glad you pointed that out to me. I am going to buy the mag tomorrow and I will e-mail the editor after I read the letter. Thanks for telling us about it.

Leanne

Leanne

Maggie 8/10/01

Mike    5/19/05

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:23pm
Desire'

I agree with you. I've only been TTC for 3 months, but I couldn't imagine someone telling me I was selfish for trying other means to have children of my own. You're right.. I too am with the man I love and married...and "I want to have HIS child."

I will write the editor... thank you for the link.

Cathy

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Lilypie Baby Birthday
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Registered: 08-31-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:16pm
Hi Desire',

I totally agree with you on this. It seems that nobody really cares about how people feel anymore and it's so easy to play "hollier than thou" when you're on the outside. This woman seems to think she has answers for everything.

Fine, I agree there are a lot of orphans out there and I wouldn't mind adopting even if I had seven kids of my own - but then I may not even be able to. Those people who look down on us and say we're selfish for not adopting are the same people who look down on us when we actually WANT to adopt. Because when you apply for adoption, the first thing they do is check you inside out and find a million reasons why you're an unfit parent. Maybe your financial or marital status isn't right or maybe you're too white to adopt a black child and vise versa. Maybe your health condition isn't perfect for them (my God, even breeding horses isn't that complicated!)or your house is too small or too inconvenient for a social worker to pay regular visits.

And finally, if you get lucky and find a sweet little baby to adopt and think you've come to the end of your nerve recking emotional turmoil you've been going through for years on end, the biological mother turns up three months afterwards and decides she made a mistake and wants the baby back. And nobody, NOBODY thinks of you anymore, except if you fight for it - then you're the selfish, evil being that took a baby away from its poor mother. Spare me!

As for saving your money, didn't this lady ever look into the costs of adopting? I won't even go there...

I've seen friends going through the procedures - it's been ten years and they still didn't manage to adopt and I'm talking about people even I would love to be adopted by.

But what it really comes down to is that NOBODY has the right to judge others, especially when it comes down to such emotional issues. People who think they know better what others need, are usually people who need to learn how to respect themselves first.

Sorry for the long reply but people like her piss me off! Good luck in your effort and may you bear all the children your heart desires!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 5:40am
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:04am
well i understand where everyone is coming from. but you say not to judge people when you are judging this woman too.. you don't know this woman.. you don't know where she's been in life. i'm not saying you don't have a right to your opinions. and im not at all saying that what this woman said wasn't totally insensitive. i'm just saying that for everyone to be so angry at this woman for being judgemental??? well if that isn't the pot calling the pot, pot. judge the statement.. not the woman. this issue is a big moral debate for me. i'm a Christian and i see this several ways. i want to have a child of my own sooo badly... I want to know what 2 lines on a stick looks like. i want to know what it feels like to be pregnant and even though it's painful what labor feels like. i may spend 2 months of my life hugging a toilet but i'll be smiling the whole time cause i'll know it's this wonderful miracle doing it. can't have flowers without rain and all. but God gives us what we NEED. sometimes we want a brand new car loaded with leather seating when all we need is a newer car than the one we have that will last and get us from a to b. now here is my delima with IV. one way it's like taking the will of God into your own hands because he promises to give us what we ask for in his own perfect timing... when we NEED it. on the other hand God gave us the knowledge to figure this stuff out and in the end only God has control over conception.. so if you concieve from IV then it must be God's will. i think it's just something to pray about and ask guidance for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:20am


I do agree with some of the last poster, that in the end, all conception is out of our hands. Even though medical science has learned so much, doctors admit they don't understand everything and probably never will. I don't think using fertility drugs or IVF is in any way against God's will any more than using medical science to heal the sick, prevent disease, etc. Those are tools that have been given to us, but the final outcome is never in human hands.

Anyway, I also think that some people do forget that one of the strongest human (and animal) instincts is to reproduce, create new life from your self. No matter how long or expensive the process that drive can be so strong that it doesn't matter. Its a very part of human nature that can't be taken away or reasoned away etc. I do strongly support adoption for those who choose it, but it has to be a choice. And I like that someone pointed out that adoption isn't exactly a short and cheap process either!

My husband and I do want a biological child, but we also think we would love to adopt or foster a child. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Vicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:29am
I cannot believe what a hypocrite that women is. Her "opinion" is basically telling those who would rather concieve their own child then adopt, that their "opinion" is wrong!

I think this is not a topic that should be discussed in such a forum and the writers of people should be embarrased that they printed it.

I will definatley be sending them a piece of my mind!

Thanks for the info

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:36am
My response to them:

As a person that has been trying to concieve my own child for sometime I am highly offended by this statement. I understand that whomever wrote it is entilted to his/her own opinions and I respect that. However, I do not think that it was the proper forum to air it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:09am
Well said Desire! I agree with you 100%~ it's easy for people to make quick judgements like this without ever having gone through the journey themselves. Why didn't she attack the people who are having the unwanted children in the first place and bringing children into the world who are unwanted and unloved due to their ignorance and self involvement? At least anyone who is trying and yearning to have their child and sometimes spending thousands of dollars to do so are also giving unconditional love and support and the best life any child could probably ever hope for. We are probably all going to be the best most loving mothers and fathers in the world after going through this.

HA! That's it- I'm writing a letter.

Tara

 

 Tara~ co-cl of Pregnant after TTC