Just need to vent about DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Just need to vent about DH
8
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:05am
While he has been great about a lot of things through our marriage, we got into a "discussion" last night when I was trying to explain my frustration with my body to date. I'm only in C3, TTC #1, but wanted to start a year ago and waited because he wasn't ready and didn't feel we were financially in the right place. Fine. He wanted to start this fall, I talked him into June instead. Fine he says, go off the pill. Let's see what happens. But every time I get AF he's more relieved than anything else. Well, you didn't expect it to happen right away, did you? You've got lots of time, he says. We need you working at least another 12 months anyway to pay for everything, he says. (I'm lacking furniture in more rooms than I care to think about right now.) So last night I say I don't think you're really into this and I think you're only doing it to placate me. He says I'm not sure you want a baby for the right reasons. Are you sure you aren't just wanting it so you can leave your job? (Ok, I admit that will be a nice bonus, but, ladies, the clock is ticking!) Then he decides he's offended with my suggestion that he doesn't want a baby and ends the discussion. (I'm NOT finished, let me tell you.) I plan to tell him, Wanna know why I think you're not really into this? When was the last time you initiated sex? Prior to TTC, let me tell you! UGH! I know he's busy (working + PhD student), and I know I'm pretty PMS-y right now, but am I the only one unhappy with my body right now? I'm sorry to complain, but you ladies are about the only ones ouside of my husband I can talk to about this! We both decided not to tell anyone else we're TTC--don't want friends or family monitoring our fertility that closely. You have been wonderful for the past few months--even lurking (which I do most of the time) I've felt so much less alone in the emotions and "symptoms" I've been running through. I don't know. I know this is heightened by hormones and the onset of another AF (started spotting this am--6 days early), but couldn't he at least NOT be so unemotional about her arrival?! Is/has anyone else experienced this with DH? Is he just being a normal guy? I know he'll be a great dad and is mightily distracted with the PhD thing right now, but I'm just not feeling the support from him that I'd like.

Thanks for listening!

AJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:14am
AJ-

I'm sorry DH is giving you fits. Mine does a lot of the same things. When he decided it was okay to go off BCP I was more that happy. He said the same thing. Last month when AF showed up 7 days early I called him and said, no baby this month. He had the nerve to say "did you thing it would really happen this quick?" It was cycle 3 not like our first cycle or anything. When I try to tell him what is going on with my body, he just doesn't hear me. He completely tones me out. It drives me crazy. I know he wants to be a daddy, but sometimes, I think I want it more.

Sorry to vent to you

HTH

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:14am
Ugh! I'm sorry he's being this way! And I know exactly how you feel! My husband has been only semi-supportive he whole time. I'm 35, and it was only 2 years ago that he agreed to starting to try. We started fertility testing around c9, and he hasn't been very cooperative. He went for his test, but hated every minute of it (a horrible situation - doing his thing while sitting on a toilet in a bathroom in a military hospital). Now he has to retake it and he's put it off for 2 whole months! (Meanwhile I've been poked and prodded right and left!) Like your husband mine's under a lot of stress (trying to convert his dissertation into a book, as a matter of fact), so I'm sympathetic. But it's so hard to get support when they may not even want a baby. He keeps trying to convince me that we'd be happier without kids. I know that I'll have a hard time dealing with the stress, but I've always wanted kids, so it's something I don't want to give up on.

Sorry if I'm offering any solutions, but at least you'll know that you're not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 11:16am
AJ,

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Last month when I got AF (a couple of days before my birthday)and told DH it was as if I told him I have blonde hair. He reacted as if it was a non-news issue. I was so hopeful my body would give me a special birthday present. My DH really is behind having a baby and had this reaction. He understands my craziness to an extent but just doesn't get it like all you other gals. I think it is a guy thing. Which is hard for me to say because I usually don't group things like that. Maybe wait a few days until the PMS blows over and then talk to him about everything. Maybe he is just stressed over school and stuff. Personally I don't think it is right for him to feel offended and so end the conversation. If he is really offended you guys need to talk it through. Maybe he knows there is some truth to your accusation and is trying to dodge the bullet? I wish you both the best! By the way...are you sure the spotting isn't inplantation bleeding?

Goodluck,

Chrissy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:20pm
I am sorry you are going through this, and I think we all have at one time or another. Men just don't get it sometimes because it's not their body. They don't even have a clue as to the stress we go through because really, it's all up to us....and heaven forbid if THEIR tired! (LOL!) Even when you finally get that BFP, I still don't think they get it until they see their first ultrasound. THEN it hits them that it's real! If only they knew all we went threw behind the scences to just get to that point. I guess that's why we carry the babies and they don't! :0) Good luck and we'll be here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:27pm
Thinking about it a bit more, perhaps in these situations we should avoid talking about it too much with our husbands when they aren't as involved in the day-to-day monitoring of our fertility. Or just not be upset when they don't support us 100%. Find support from your friends, family members, or people here on the chat. Perhaps there is a support group in your area or through your doctor or hospital? I met a woman who was in the same group getting HSG's with me and she asked for my email address so we could stay in touch because she didn't have anyone to talk to outside of her family. We've both gotten a lot out of the email support. I don't have a lot of women friends, but lean on the ones I do have!

Then, when it does happen, I'm sure he'll be on board 100%!

Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 12:56pm
Wow, sounds like he's having some issues of his own. I find that men aren't always on the same page that we are. Also, they tend to act irrational as your DH is being when they feel afraid or unsure.

Maybe you can sit down again tonight and explain to him how your clock is ticking. If he makes another nasty comment like "you just don't want to work", I'd walk away. Let him know it really bugs you but don't let your body get upset. That's the last thing you need an upset body when you are TTC.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 6:32pm
Thank you all! Just reading your responses makes me feel so much better. I think we're both in a better mood today--might try to talk about it again soon. And I think you're right--I'll let the PMS blow by a bit before I take it too much to heart. Good luck to all of you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 6:57pm
My hubby before we were married said he was flexible to having a baby. Well 8 months ago his friend says when are you guys going to have one and my hubby says Were not, I don't want anymore. This was a total shock to me and he says I said I didn't care before we were married; that is not what I said. I said I want to have at least one more I have a almost 20 yr old I had very young. Well now that I found Mr. Right finally (at least in most areas) I am ready to have a baby the right way. I have my motherhood heart strings tugged on so hard everytime I see a baby and when his kids from his 1st marriage come for one of their 2 visits a month. He doesn't understand why I want a baby so much and he says he wants to retire when he is 58 and doesn't want to have to deal with a teen by then.

Aggggh, I totally would not have gotten married if I knew this was how he felt. I love him so much but I feel decieved by the "I'm flexible to having another baby" line. He acted excited when we thought there was a possibility that I might be pregnant and let down when we weren't so I am a bit confused by his actions. But since the convo about him not wanting to have a baby, sex has been so infrequent I can count on 1 hand how many times its happened.