TTC & A Friend Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
TTC & A Friend Problem
32
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:37pm
Here's the scoop. My friend did not come to my wedding. She gave five see-through excuses as to why not. It was out of town, money, blah blah blah. She didn't even give us a card or gift! My family was angry with her. This was last month.

Now I am to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding on the 30th of this month. Last Sat. was her bachelorette party and I told her I would not be attending. Reason being, I quit smoking & drinking and didn't want to be out until 4am as she was. Plus I am pretty darn moral and she said if "I do anything with another guy while I'm there it stays there, period". She hung up on me. Needless to say I didn't go to the party.

Second, her bridal shower is being thrown by me and a few others is this Saturday. (She didn't throw me one for the record) and she doesn't want me to participate in that and maybe not even the wedding now. She said this before hanging up.

She does not understand that I am TTC and what that means as far as lifestyle changes. She's 32 and I'm 24, you'd think the experience difference between us would help us see eye to eye. Obviously I'm a bit further ahead in my thinking on this subject & other morality issues than she.

Any ideas? I don't like this stress while TTC.

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Avatar for soprano1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:48pm
i am sorry you are going through this stress. Weddings can be very stressful times, and brides are very stressful too LOL. Was she an attendant in your wedding? I get the feeling she wasn't, so I guess she wasn't totally obligated to attend. Who knows, give her the benefit of the doubt, sometimes out of town weddings are often difficult for people, and she may have had a personal reason. Now you are her maid of honor right? I admit I would be very hurt if my maid of honor didn't want to attend my parties. I am my sister's maid of honor and I am throwing her a shower/bach party, and I could be pg by then but i'll still go. I know I can go and have a good time without drinking, heck i'll probably be the designated driver anywho. You don't have to stay out until 4 am either, you can just go for a couple of hours if that is more convenient for you. It's all about being there and being an it's just part of being an attendant in someone's wedding. I went to a bach party 6 weeks after I had my DS, because I wanted to celebrate with my friend, even though I had had a MAJOR lifestyle change. I am really just playing the devil's advocate here, but you being her maid of honor, by tradition, you are kind of expected to attend the festivities. Of course she has no reason to be so rude as to tell you she doesn't even want you to come, that's another story. No offense to anyone, but brides really can be selfish and demanding-I know , I've been one! LOL

Good luck, I hope your situation improves.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:07pm
Well she was my MOH as well and bowed out the last week into it. Never threw a shower, never helped me shop for my dress even when she said she would. I went with her to over 10 stores and loaned her my tiara for her wedding.

Her bachelorette party was at a sleazy club that I always refused to go to with her in the past. So she knew full well I would not want to attend period. I don't feel the need to attend such a party at that place. Plus it is 5 miles from my house and the party started at 10pm. I don't drive on the freeway and had zero way to get there.

I was a bride last month and was not selfish or demanding at all. Quite the contrary even though I planned at 50 person wedding 3 states away.

Get this: I even offered to pay for her plane fare and she still didn't go.

I'm pissed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:09pm
Hmmm...does she know you are TTC? Seems to me she is being pretty rude. Seems she wants everything her way without taking into consideration your feelings. Even if she couldn't afford to go to your wedding or a big gift the least she could have done was send a card and make something herself like a poem or SOMETHING!? I can't believe she didn't seem to care enough to give something to a close friend and now her maid of honor.

Quiting smoking is a pretty hard thing to do, congrats!!!(alot of my friends & parents tell me this). I think it is totally understandable for you not to want to go to a crazy bachelorette party where the bride to be may be messing around with someone (???) and assuming other friends attending will be smoking and drinking. I'm no heavy drinker but all the bachlorette parties I've been to usually involve pretty heavy drinking. I think if I went to one now while TTC and not drinking I would be miserable.

I also think it is pretty rude of her ask you not to participate in a shower that you are co-hosting. Ok, so you missed one party but you are hosting this other one... I think that would make up for it.

I hope you and your friend can work things out before the shower and before the wedding.

{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Chrissy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:10pm
I guess you have to decide what's most important for you. If you value her friendship, you'll want to patch things up.

I'll share a story about my wedding. I had 2 attendants, My little sister and a friend who's DH's cousin. Their husbands were also in the wedding. I wanted couples, not just people. I have 3 sisters. I asked the other 2 to sing (we've sung for our grandparents' anniversaries and funeral wakes). One sister declined singing.

My sisters and DH's cousin threw an afternoon bridal shower. It was fine, typical for our area and upbringing.

DH's cousin then had an evening party at her house. I asked for scrapbooking that night, I got something different. A couple of us tried to scrapbook, but DH's cousin and his in-laws insisted that we have drinking games and do more bachlorette party stuff. I tried to make it clear that I didn't want it, but it didn't matter; they were going to party.

I let it go. While I still want to be friends with both my sister who didn't sing and DH's cousin, I realize that they weren't able to meet my expectations. I, in turn, have readjusted my expectations of them.

I guess what I'm saying is that some people, for lots of different reasons, will let you down. You need to decide what you want to do about it.

These are just my thoughts.

Mary

Mary, Mama to Gavin, Derek, and Tyler
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:11pm
Oh boy I just read your other post! You have EVERY reason to be pissed! I'm mad just reading the events! I'm sorry to say but this gal doesn't sound like much of a friend :(

Best of luck!

Chrissy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:20pm
I'm so sorry she's being like this. Sometimes it's at the major points in our lives where friends are proven, or in this case- disproven. There is only so much a person can put up with when you have to think- is it really worth it? Doesn't seem that she's too much of a friend.

Hang in there sweetie- I know it's hard....I have been there too.

((((((HUGS))))))))

Tara

 

 Tara~ co-cl of Pregnant after TTC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 4:21pm
Wow, I was busy writing my last reply when you posted your second one. Gee, with those details, I would be mad too. I'm not sure I would have agreed to be her MOH. I'm not sure how I would have declined, but, wow, she left you high and dry.

I don't know her, of course. If she's a dear friend or a relative or something, maybe she's worth the hurt, but, geez, from what you're saying I'm not sure I would even waste time thinking about it.

I hope it gets cleared up soon. Like you said, you don't need the stress.

Mary


Edited 8/7/2003 4:22:38 PM ET by scrappy_lady

Mary, Mama to Gavin, Derek, and Tyler
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 5:33pm
Hello,

If you want to patch up your friendship I would just give her a few days to calm down. Maybe you could call her and just try to explain to her what is going on in your life right now. Are they doing anything else besides going to the "slezzy club" that you don't want to go to. Maybe you could meet up with them for other portions of the night.

My friend is getting married on saturday and her bachlorete party was a few weeks ago. I just sat her down and told her that my DH and I were trying and would she mind if I didn't go to the bars. They were having a BBQ before all of the girsl went out so I just went to that part of the night. It was inconviewnt because it was a t.5 hour drive from my house and I was only there for an hour before they all left to go out but I think it showed my friend that I cared and wanted to celebrate with her in ways other then drinking.

On the other hand, this girl doesn't sound like much of a friend so you may have some hard thinking to do on if this friendship is important enough for you to try to save.

Good luck

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 5:58pm
oops! I meant to write 50 miles from my house not 5 miles.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 6:57pm
This kind of a situation is one of the reasons I got married at the court house! Hehehe… Alright, in all seriousness, this woman doesn’t seem like a very good friend to you, and I would advise you not to compromise your beliefs for her benefit. She doesn’t have a right to cause stress in your life, particularly when you’re TTC. I don’t have any advice on how to handle her, but some of the suggestions posted by the other ladies may help you work this out. Best wishes…

Melony

TTC #1 C3 cd9

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