TTC & A Friend Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
TTC & A Friend Problem
32
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:37pm
Here's the scoop. My friend did not come to my wedding. She gave five see-through excuses as to why not. It was out of town, money, blah blah blah. She didn't even give us a card or gift! My family was angry with her. This was last month.

Now I am to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding on the 30th of this month. Last Sat. was her bachelorette party and I told her I would not be attending. Reason being, I quit smoking & drinking and didn't want to be out until 4am as she was. Plus I am pretty darn moral and she said if "I do anything with another guy while I'm there it stays there, period". She hung up on me. Needless to say I didn't go to the party.

Second, her bridal shower is being thrown by me and a few others is this Saturday. (She didn't throw me one for the record) and she doesn't want me to participate in that and maybe not even the wedding now. She said this before hanging up.

She does not understand that I am TTC and what that means as far as lifestyle changes. She's 32 and I'm 24, you'd think the experience difference between us would help us see eye to eye. Obviously I'm a bit further ahead in my thinking on this subject & other morality issues than she.

Any ideas? I don't like this stress while TTC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:09am
When I told her I was TTC she said "that's a big mistake". My best friend of 9 years my MOH (the other one I'm talking about would have been my 2nd w/ the same title) whom I told this story to just got so mad. She (my bf) is moral in the way I am. She doesn't understand this woman from the get go.

Anway, she said that it was a mistake because she feels I should be with my ex who cheated on me after 5 years together! I was so upset that she said that.

She is a heavy drinker and I mean heavy. She is marrying the man she's been with for 17 years but he thinks she's only been with him. In actuality it's been 17 guys that she has hidden from him. I've remained friends with her because I like her and her personal life never entered my own. Now I'm really wondering if my sense of morality is overcoming our friendship. If it is I'm sure it's for the best, but to lose a good friend after 6 years is devastating. Especially at this emotional juncture in my life.

I called her earlier today after my post and she hung up. Seems like I'm out of the wedding altogether. Over nothing. It makes me sad.

Thank you for your sympathy and understanding Chrissy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:11am
Thank you Mary. You are right about people and the actions they take not always being what you may want.

I tried to call and patch things up today and she hung up on me. It seems more emotional junk than just me not attending. It's too bad, I'm not sure what to do with about 21 days until her wedding. Should I even have my MOH dress fitted at the tailor or just say that's another friend I've outgrown. It's so hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:13am
My best friend Jes who I mentioned has the heart, spirit and morality that I have. That is why we are best friends. She thinks this friend who is acting this way is being ridiculous. I think so too now. It's weird, sad, upsetting and I guess I'll just have to let it go unless she moves to call me. I can only call so many times and ask her to speak with me to repair this even though I feel I've done nothing wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:16am
Tara those words definately resonate with what I'm feeling. I've outgrown a friend in the past year and this one seems to be the same. It's so hard at this juncture.

I am now married, I have a stable job, I have plans, I am trying to conceive (not in that order of course ;) ) and my friends are not. They are single, not wanting children, not stable in their jobs. I feel alone right now aside from my best friend who was pregnant but her baby died 2 days after birth and she is again trying to conceive a year later and my husband who is pretty much supportive aside from his moodiness :D

When you dealt with this situation what was the outcome? Have you lost many friends as you have matured?

Claire

TTC#1, C1, CD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:21am
I didn't want to be over the top with my first post, but the woman that replied got my blood boiling about my friend.

I accepted her offer of MOH before my marriage. She flaked out my entire family is upset, my DH is upset and my best friend is upset. Of course not to forget how upset I am. I feel pressured to suck it up. She's making me feel as though I've done something wrong. She full well knows I didn't want to be a part of the debauchery and that I would tell her fiance if she did unspeakable things with another. I am just that type of person. No matter what you mean to me, if you cheat on your SO, fiance or DH I will tell them, period.

We've been friends 6 years or so. In that time she has been with her fiance 17 or so years and he thinks he's the only one she's been intimate with. In fact it's been 17 people, random at that, and they are living a lie. He's mean to her, doesn't let her friends see her etc.. I have still supported her and her marriage hoping it may change her for the better.

Her party is tomorrow. If she hangs up on me again when I call then our friendship is over. I will not attend the wedding and that is that. I have been so damn good to her.

Thank you so much for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:23am
Hi Jenna,

I didn't end up going. They were only going to the club which is 50 miles from my house. I tried to call and patch things up today but she hung up on me before I could barely say hi. I'm not sure that she is of the mindset to repair things.

Thank you so much for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 3:24am
:D Thanks for your post. I am going to stick to my guns and not compromise my beliefs at all. I know what I feel is right for me and so I will do that. If I lose her in the process I will be so so sad, I just hope she comes around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 8:43am
Oh, I just have to jump in and add my two cents.

The whole point of being a MOH is about the marriage, not the friendship, when it comes right down to it. It doesn't have anything to do with parties or showers or any of that stuff. The heart of the matter is that the MOH needs to stand beside the bride and groom on their wedding day and witness their committment and promise to support them in making their marriage work. It sure doesn't sound to me like you believe in their marriage based on her infidelity and (loose) morals. Even if you put all of the BS she's done ASIDE (not showing up to your wedding, planning her bachelorette party at a place she knows you don't approve of, etc.) there is STILL no reason to be her MOH because you don't seem to really believe in the sacred union of these two people. You sound like someone who honesty is very important to, and you understand that you need honesty to participate in a relationship fully. I don't know how you think you could stand there during the ceremony knowing what you know and still say you support this marriage. I know the MOH usually doesn't have to say anything, but the support is implied.

I am so sorry for you that you are in this position. It's really sad how some people just seem to get married so they can have showers and parties and presents. You are wise beyond your 24 years and maybe it's time to let those friends go who don't share your core beliefs.

Hang in there. It's not always easy to do what you think is right when the people around you just don't get it. Be strong.

Katie

Avatar for soprano1965
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:27am
gosh sorry i misunderstood-she sounds pretty flaky!

kim

Avatar for soprano1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:36am
hi

i didn't mean to upset you. it is tough to try to give advice from just a short post, i had no idea of the other things that she had done to you.

i had a similar situation with a friend, i was her MOH and i saw her cheating on her fiance. when i approached her about it and asked her if she was sure she was ready to get married, she screamed at me, denied it and threatened to kick me out of the wedding. well it eventually went through, i was in the wedding, she didn't behave after that so i tried again talking to her and she exploded. I decided that is not the kind of person I needed in my life and we haven't spoken since. I think of her sometimes, but i don't regret cutting ties.

and since i have been married and a mother i have definitely drifted from my single friends-i think that is just normal though.

good luck

kim