TTC & A Friend Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
TTC & A Friend Problem
32
Thu, 08-07-2003 - 3:37pm
Here's the scoop. My friend did not come to my wedding. She gave five see-through excuses as to why not. It was out of town, money, blah blah blah. She didn't even give us a card or gift! My family was angry with her. This was last month.

Now I am to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding on the 30th of this month. Last Sat. was her bachelorette party and I told her I would not be attending. Reason being, I quit smoking & drinking and didn't want to be out until 4am as she was. Plus I am pretty darn moral and she said if "I do anything with another guy while I'm there it stays there, period". She hung up on me. Needless to say I didn't go to the party.

Second, her bridal shower is being thrown by me and a few others is this Saturday. (She didn't throw me one for the record) and she doesn't want me to participate in that and maybe not even the wedding now. She said this before hanging up.

She does not understand that I am TTC and what that means as far as lifestyle changes. She's 32 and I'm 24, you'd think the experience difference between us would help us see eye to eye. Obviously I'm a bit further ahead in my thinking on this subject & other morality issues than she.

Any ideas? I don't like this stress while TTC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:40am
In my situation, the friend I'm referring to was my best friend all through highschool and is now actually married to my brother!!! We have had some very difficult times in the past- harsh words and hurtful actions such as yourself and your friend. After this I distanced myself from her (they live far away anyway) and over time we have gradually started the communication again. We have a different bond now because she is my sister in law and the mother of my sweet little neice and nephew. Though we will never be friends the way we once were, we have forgiven each other for the past, but I know I for one can never forget.

There have been others who I have "outgrown" as well.....I think it's all part of growing up. For each friend you lose, you will gain 2 more that are even better with similar interests and goals as you. It is always special if you can keep an "old" friend, but you can't sacrifice yourself and your future for the sake of that freindship.

GL with your decisions~ ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tara

 

 Tara~ co-cl of Pregnant after TTC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:45am
I'm sorry...I'm confused...

WHY are you friends with this woman again? She sounds like a total loser to me. Sorry...just my opinion.

~Shawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 12:39pm
Thank you Katie. I never really put that MOH side into perspective actually. You are right, I don't believe in their union and she obviously doesn't. What would I be saying if I were to stand by her side? I need to think on this one for sure.

It is rough cycling through friends or rather, growing apart. My husband hopes that when I get pg I can meet some other women who are too. He's worried about my friends being completely understanding. I'd like to meet more people on the same page as me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:02pm
I think part of it is that you are only 24 and yet you have moved beyond the partying and immaturity that a lot of your peers are trying to hold on to. Follow your own heart and what you think is right and you will be amazed at the wonderful people who will appear in your life!

Take care,

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:15pm
First, let me say that I think it's very gracious of you to do all that you've done for her since she didn't do much for you in regards to your wedding. I have to wonder, if you feel so upset about her lack of reciprocation, then why do all that you've done for her? Because you know the value of true friendship and she obviously doesn't. You seem very wise for your young age (I'm 32) and I think that will take you quite far.

Here's my suggestion: Stop stressing. Just decide to stop, period. You're right that it will just make TTC more difficult for you and you have to draw the line when something is affecting an area of your life that is so crucial and important to YOU.

Sit down and write her a short, but sweet, letter. "I just wanted to write a quick note to tell you that I'm sorry I upset you the other day and that our call ended the way it did. I know that planning a wedding can be a really stressful time and I never intended to be a reason for any of your stress. My reasons for not attending your bachlorette party are/were personal and I do stand by them and I hope you can respect that, but I am sorry that I missed/will miss spending time with you. If you really feel strongly about my not attending your bridal shower and not participating in the wedding, although I'm certainly saddend by it, I respect your wishes as this is a very big and special day in your life. You have enough to worry about and plan for, I don't want to further complicate things. Maybe after you return from your honeymoon and settle in, we can get together and chat and see if we can't mend things. I want you to know that I very much want to be a part of your special day so I hope you don't think otherwise and if you change your mind about wanting me there, give me a call."

This way, you've said your peace, didn't compromise your values and you were kind and gentle but also firm. In a nice way, you've said, "Fine. If you don't want me there, I'm sad, and I want to share this special time with you but I'm not gonna beg you to be in your wedding." She needs to grow up a little, maybe you can help her with that part.

GL!

Susan

Avatar for soprano1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 1:17pm
Katie you are so right. I was married at 22 and had my first baby at 24. Most of my friends were still single, and didn't understand nor respect my new family. I have met a lot of wonderful ladies through my playgroup, we all have a common bond, and you know most of them are in their late 20's and 30's!

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:17pm
I hear you Kim, it's the hardest thing when you realize that you've grown apart from people, but sometimes they catch up and become wonderful friends again. I recently got back in touch with my best friend from High School after 15 years apart. We grew apart and now we're finally growing back together. It's a long life...lot's can happen...and often does.

Cheers to all.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:39pm
Wow what a crappy friend she was. I tried calling my friend again this morning and the receptionist sent me to voice mail, I know it was purposeful. So that is it for me. No more contacting her and I am out of the wedding and the parties.

You didn't upset me :D I just get heated thinking about her. My short post didn't have a lot of info I provided after the fact. My bad :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:41pm
Thank you Tara, you are right about gaining new friends with similar goals and interests. I hope someday she'll realize the way she has acted is wrong and call me. Until then there isn't much for me to do is there. Thanks for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:42pm
I guess we are friends because it's natural for us. We've been friends for about 6 years, I see her maybe 2 times a month at most. That's a good question.