** TuEsDay TiCkleS~ rOfL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
** TuEsDay TiCkleS~ rOfL!!
10
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:14am

We all need a good laugh, right? If you're e-mail is anything like mine, you've got a ton of jokes and silly things piling into it daily. I thought it'd be nice to share a little tickle today. Everyone post a joke- funny picture or whatever- *try* to keep it tasteful ;o) At least put a warning if you think it may offend or is a bit vulger. Ahem- that said......mine is not too bad- I think it's funny-lol!


 

 Tara~ co-cl of Pregnant after TTC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:24am
OK, I got this one the other day from my aunt. It's pretty horrible and may be offensive to some (if you are offended by the Dixie Chick's song "Earl," don't read this!). But it's meant as a JOKE, and it's pretty funny taken that way! :)


THANK YOU NOTE



People never remember to write in about the good

things a product does, always the bad! So this is very

refreshing!! ;)



"Dear Tide,



I am writing to say what an excellent product you

have! In fact, about a month ago while at home, I

spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My husband started to berate me about my drinking

problem and how expensive the blouse was. One thing

led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood

on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the stain

out using the bargain detergent my cheap husband

bought, but it just wouldn't come out.

I went to the local convenience store and got a

bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all

of the stains came out! They came out so well, in

fact, that the police's DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the

Hefty bag people.





Sincerely,



Recently Widowed"

Abby's Signature

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:24am
This is an oldie but goodie...

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?

________________________________________________________

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

______________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year

_____________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

______________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which!

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

______________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

_________________________________________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

_______________________________________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

________________________________________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

________________________________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Would you repeat that question, please?

________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

_________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

A: I resent that question.

_________________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

__________________________________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

__________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_________________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

_________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

________________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: OK.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

_________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

___________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

___________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Enjoy!

Trish

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:41am
> >

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:44am

Trish, that was a riot!!!

Erika

mom to Michael, Allison, Alexander and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 10:02am
Tara - I got that one yesterday! How funny! :-)

Here's one I got today:

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of

golf. Of course, he hit first and then his wife

promptly hacked her first shot right

through the window of the biggest house adjacent to

the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now

we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize

and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost

us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked

on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was

done: glass was all over the place and a broken

antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken

window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the

people that broke my window?"

Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the

husband replied.

The man said, "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I

want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been

trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that

you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,

I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a

moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a

year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the

genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And

I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie

asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with

servants in every country in the world," she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes

will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural

disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your

wish, genie?"

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and

haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand

years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,

you know we both now have a fortune, and all those

houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a

few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,

but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you".

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they

spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of

nonstop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly

into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your

husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"


Kristy

TTC#1 C7 CD31

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 10:25am
This is an old one that I saved so hopefully some of you haven't seen it yet.

>God's Diet...

>

>And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and

>green

>and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and

>healthy lives.

>

>And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent

>double-cheeseburger.

>

>And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super

>size

>them." And Man gained pounds.

>

>And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure

>that

>man

>found so fair.

>

>And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and

>brightly

>colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

>And woman gained pounds.

>

>And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

>

>And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded

>cheese.

>And

>there was ice cream for dessert.

>And woman gained pounds.

>

>And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil

>with

>which to cook them."

>

>And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it

>needed

>its own platter And Man gained pounds,

>and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

>

>And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra

>pounds.

>

>And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not

>have

>to

>toil to change channels between ESPN

>and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

>

>And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth

>the

>potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and

>brimming with nutrition.

>

>And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center

>into

>chips

>and deep-fat fried them. And he created

>sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the

>potato

>chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan

>saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

>

>And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....

>

>And Satan created HMOs...

Kathy & Liliane Avery (Lily) Dickens

Born  9-1-04 via scheduled C Section (breech ba

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 1:08pm
Here is my funny:

The Parking Ticket

>

> I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

>

> When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

>

> So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

>

> He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

>

> He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

>

> So I called him a piece of horse s**t.

>

> He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

>

> I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

>

> I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

>

Blessings, Erin

Email Me!! erinherron@yahoo.com

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 2:27pm
These are hilarious!! Anybody got any more? ;)

Abby

Abby's Signature

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:17pm
bump

 

 Tara~ co-cl of Pregnant after TTC

Avatar for sun_flower_head
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:42pm
I love this one! ENJOY!!!

One of the ladies of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.



Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.



The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"



Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"



Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary. "

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