Anyone else undermine their losses?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Anyone else undermine their losses?
7
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 1:22pm

I am not sure why I do this. But for a long time i didn't really acknowlege my ectopic pg as a *loss*... maybe I simply really didn't want to joing the *club* none of us ever wanted to be members of. I never knew I was pg until I had unbearable pain... went to my doctor, who dismissed it as gastric and sent me on my way for a few more days. That is when my tube burst and I had internal bleeding. For me, it was easier to look at it as a medical issue and not really a loss.

I also have a hard time acknowledging my later chemical pg as a loss. I kind of beat myself up a bit for testing so early. If I had waited until i was late I am not sure a line would have even shown up. So, with that I really don't say that I had four losses, which I really did. I also don't want people to feel TOO sorry for me IRL, KIWIM?

I am not sure if this is healthy... or if I am the only one who does this. Anyone else try to gloss over some of this... to make things easier?



~April, Mom to son Jory, 23 and boy/girl twins, Alex and Haley, 11






iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 1:35pm

April, I do this ALL the time...both my "losses" were chemical. I didn't see a baby on an u/s. I never heard a heartbeat. If not for those two lines, I would never have known that baby existsed. Granted AF was a week late so even if I had waited until normal women wait to test, I might still have gotten a BFP. I think whether or not you can define a loss is like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 1:53pm
I used to undermine my loss all the time. Especially when it first happened. Mine was technically a chemical too. But I knew I was PG way early - at least 6 days before AF was due, so I took a FRER 5 days before. When I had my HCG tested on the day AF was due, it was sky high - 456. I lost the baby 4 days later.

Anyway, for weeks, I thought, "well, I was barely pregnant, it's not really a miscarriage, I just lost the pregnancy. I just need to move on and I will feel better."

the thing is, I didn't feel better. I was a mess - I was grieving really badly for the loss of this pregnancy and what could have been. Once I finally came clean to a partner at work, it felt so good to actually say, "I'm having a hard time right now because I had a miscarriage." Then I burst into tears. I told her I was trying to just move on and get over it, and she instantly said that I needed a few days off to recover and then said something that I will never forget. I have posted this before, but I will say it again, b/c it was this statement that finally made me believe that I had actually suffered a real loss and it was ok to grieve the loss even if I was only 4.5 weeks pregnant:

"It doesn't matter how early you were in the pregnancy. The fact is, you expected to be holding a baby in 8 or 9 months and now that expectation is gone. It's ok to be sad about that."
Kelly, mom to 4 year old Lexi, wife to Rob TTC Number 2 since April 2010, with a loss in June 2010 at 4.5 weeks, and a loss in April 2011 at 8 weeks (possibly ectopic). Saw the RE in May 2011, we were moving forward with testing and an IUI when we
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 3:49pm

You know, I am sooo glad you posted this! I usualy think I am the only one who does this and so I dont talk about it KWIM? Okay, so most people dont know it but, according to Michelles questions, I have had 4 losses. But how many do I actually talk about? 1, usually... I undermine the losses of the rest because, like you said, no one else knew, and if I didnt POAS or have a late AF I would have never probably known. But I WAS pg, there WAS a baby forming, and i an not holding that baby today :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 3:59pm
When I switched RE's, I had an appt to go over my history with my new dr and she sat down, pulled out my chart, took off her glasses, grabbed my hand and said "I see you have had two losses. I am so VERY sorry." Seriously, I was a blubbering mess as soon as she said that and she was probably sorry she ever brought it up. I mention that to say that it was then that I kinda though to myself, I WAS pg and SHE knows that and not only does she know that but she knows what heartbreak it was for me! You could tell just by how sincerely she was when she said she was sorry...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 8:08pm
I am glad that posting this could bring me affirmation that i am not abnormal for doing this. It is nice to know I am not alone.
Carley, I can understand how your situation of losing a twin would be hard. On one hand, you have a healthy baby... so you are blessed. On the other hand... you also lost one. And for a while didn't even acknowledge that to others. Wow, that has to be hard.

Michelle, just like you, I need to realize that even though my pg's were short... they were still losses of something i truly counted on. Just like you did... so I need to give myself some credit for what I have gone through.

Kelly, yes... a loss is still a loss, no matter how early. Thanks for reminding me of that....

My name is April... and I have had FOUR losses during pregnancy.



~April, Mom to son Jory, 23 and boy/girl twins, Alex and Haley, 11






iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Fri, 11-05-2010 - 9:04pm
Yes you have :)

And my name is Michelle and I have had two losses during pregnancy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2010
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 9:36am
I just wanted to say that i too have done this. Mainly with my blighted ovum. My thought process was "oh it's just a sac there's no baby, so no loss" But that's not true. That's the pregnancy that went on the longest so I think I was just trying to shield myself from it. I pretty much just second everything that everyone has already said.




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