On the Edge of a Meltdown

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
On the Edge of a Meltdown
8
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 12:45pm

So I'm still in the process of going through a natural m/c. I had played around with the idea of trying again after everything went back to normal. But last night as I sat there going through it all I though to myself that there was no way I can start trying again right away. It's just too painful to think about and I had been feeling quite numb for most of last night and this morning. But then I get the wonderful news from my dh to continue our streak of bad luck these past few months...

DH has worked for this same telecommunications company for 10 years. Thanks to union support we have had our monthly health insurance premiums paid for by his company. You literally have to go up to someone and shoot them point blank in front of a witness to get fired from this job. There are people who have been caught sitting at Starbucks or going home and taking naps while on overtime pay-and they still have their jobs. Through the years they have changed insurances and they've gotten a bit crappier (for lack of a better word) but we've always had the coverage. We do have to pay for dental at a discounted rate. However today dh comes home with paper that shows the new insurance Anthem/Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Not only do I dislike this insurance (had it before, had disputes on claims, slow to pay hospitals, etc, etc) but now we have to pay our own premiums each month. I guess you can say its the equivilent of a paycut-the new premiums are going to be taking roughly 20% of my dh's paychecks each month or somewhere in the ballpark of $500 -/+.

Dh has a bachelors in Business Management and has been an officer in the natl guard for the past five-six years. Yet anytime a management spot opens they give it to someone else (who they favor-buddy buddy) or they freeze the job and close it out. DH has tried to get jobs elsewhere but they are slim pickin's and some he doesn't quite qualify for and ones he does doesn't pay enough to change jobs. He currently is going for his MBA and the school is supposed to help find him a job when he graduates-we can only hope. There's no need for him to be out there digging holes, working in manholes, and climbing telephone poles when he's worked hard to be in a management slot. Not that I have anything against manual labor-they are the hardest and often most unappreciated workers out there!

So now I think that our dreams of having one more has gone out of the window. I don't think we can afford it right now and I don't want to try years from now when hopefully dh will have a better paying job. To make matters worse two of my daycare clients will likely no longer be coming to my home starting next summer and I will be losing $700/month.

I literally broke down and cried in the car this morning in front of my oldest because I just couldn't contain myself. I am trying hard right now to keep it all together. I wanted this baby so badly. I fought with my dh to try to conceive this baby. And here I am losing this baby that I so badly wanted and the prospect of us being able to have another seems to have diminished. And now I am wondering if all of this stress and worry is causing the cramps to worsen. I just want o lay in bed all day and sob and cry and feel sorry for myself.

And I just want to say that I understand that most people have to pay for their own insurance and I realized how lucky we were to have ours paid for by his company. I never took it for granted and at the same time I never expected for it to be taken away. The company tried to once but the union (who we pay every month) stood by us and kept the insurance intact. I also wasn't sure after that if it may one day come true that we would no longer have our insurance paid for but I guess I wasn't prepared to face it if it happened.

And then I had to tell an old Army friend on facebook that I had a m/c because several people had asked about the pg and I just never responded. She never responded and I deleted the post-don't think anyone else saw it as it was hiding. I'm not sure how to just come out and say it to everyone. But if I keep hiding it they will continue to ask. And then a daycare client who I watch her son on the odd night so she can work had asked if I was available this weekend and so I had to tell her what was going on. I just wish that I never told anyone about this pg. I wish I wasn't so sure of myself. In a way I felt like maybe I deserved it for feeling so self assured that nothing was going to happen and thinking that I was the super pg woman. And I keep having these thoughts that maybe it was something that I did. I know everyone says it just happens but I keep thinking what if it was this or that? I guess I am just having a big ole pity party over here.

I am not really looking for sympathy I just wanted to write it all out. Sometimes writing things down like this just makes me feel better. One of my clients brought me over a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread so I think I will go and eat that and try to make myself feel better. Try to ignore these stupid cramps, the fact that we may never have another baby, and that we will soon be struggling financially. And the fact that I am feeling quite stupid and very much a failure.

 


Karen



 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 12:59pm

Oh honey…I’m not trying to talk you out of anything here but I’d like to just throw something out there based on experience.

Yes, kids are expensive but more toward the end than the beginning. The cost is actually kind of minimal in the beginning ESPECIALLY when you work out of your home and breastfeed! All baby really needs the first year is clothes (ten onsies do the trick! LOL) a pack-n-play and a maybe a stroller and swing! I know a lot of people say this but if you wait until you feel financially ready, you may never feel ready.

I’m so sorry today has been so horrible for you L I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2008
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 4:17pm

Let it out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 10:05pm

Im so sorry that your week has been filled with bad news. Im glad that you could write all that down. I hope it was helpful to get some of it off your chest. It sounds like you dont really have anyone IRL to talk with about what you are going through. At least you can vent here. I understand you trying to keep it together for your other kids (I would probably be doing the same thing, putting on a happy face, because thats one of my coping mechanisms), but there should be no shame in you crying in front of your oldest. They need to understand that sometimes mommy has bad days too, and sometimes things happen that are just very sad. I dont know if you feel ready to tell them, or even if they are old enough to understand about your miscarriage, but that is totally up to you. You can just leave it very broad and tell them "I am sad today."

That just stinks about your health insurance. I know that medical bills and expenses can very quickly add up. Not having enough money is a very scary prospect.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2008
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 2:06am

Oh Karen,

You know what they say? "It never rains 'til it pours". You've had a shocking run and I'm so sorry to read of your latest bad news.

It must be so difficult when everything keeps compounding. It truly stinks about your DH's work being so stingy. I know exactly what you mean, when you have a budget and then something drastic changes, your whole life needs rearranging and it's horrible. But you'll be ok, I'm sure of it. We always seem to manage in the end somehow.

About your Facebook friend, I'm sorry she didn't acknowledge your loss. I had not told anyone about my pg, but when I lost bub at 10 weeks I wanted everyone to know why I was out of the loop for a few weeks and also to give them a heads-up not to rub salt in the would accidentally.

So I just put a message on facebook in my status update along the lines of "Thank you to our dear family and friends who have supported us through the loss of our pregnancy. L, Will and I appreciate your support".

I was not seeking pity or anything like that (although I did receive a lots of messages back, which I didn't think about beforehand). I just wanted everyone to know in one go, so I didn't have to keep justifying my abence from society or work when asked.

It might not be your style but mahybe your could do something similar? I'm usually very private but this changed things for me.

(((hugs))) Karen, I hope things improve and you find some new families to replace the ones leaving your daycare.

I really do hope that your finances allow for you to start trying again soon.

B

B, loving wife to L. Proud Mum to William Luke (22 months) and expecting Samuel James in November. >

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2010
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 9:10am

B,

Yes, when it rains it pours. My dh got turned down for a job in the active guard-we believe due to the other candidates being much younger than him, but they give you no specific reason-just a letter stating so. Our youngest got her finger slammed in a door and the nail come completely off and she was scared of anyone touching it or the band-aid coming off. My parents were supposed to come down two weekends from now but my dad's work won't give him the time off because they are swamped. They were supposed to come for Thanksgiving but are going to see my grandparents this year instead (the people who have always treated my mom with great disrespect and yet my mom still acts nicely towards them-I am not as good hearted as she). So I likely won't see my parents for quite some time as with a home daycare I can't just take off to go see them on a whim. Our dishwasher broke and will only wash on a few of the select cycles. Somebody swiped dh's car and of course didn't hang around. DH has a "team" in his MBA class that had one person drop out at the last minute before a big presentation and another team member who kept making excuses as to why she couldn't practice with them. I just got all new tires a few months ago and managed to find a big nail in the road to cause one to go flat. Though we were lucky this time that it was able to be patched-last time it wasn't-I'm a magnet for these things esp. when dh is gone doing military things. I've already lost one of my clients, whose child I would watch overnight, due to the economy sucking and her losing her job. My daughter's pets somehow got stricken with some disease and all three of them died. Then at my daughter's parent/teacher conference I find out that she hasn't been doing better at school like I had thought. She is having a lot of issues which they think has some relation to her speech issues and now we are going to have to meet every month and try to figure out a solution in helping her conquer these issues. She has been struggling ever since kindergarten but had some high points, and often at home demonstrates that she knows what's going on but seems to fail her at school,

 


Karen



 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2008
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 7:30pm
Karen,

I didn't realise there was so much more going on. Wow, you are strong. It's just amazing what a string of horrid things you've had happen! Just terrible. Hopefully you're owed some "goodness" and it's on its way soon.

Don't worry at all about getting it off your chest, it's what this place is here for. It feels *goooood* to vent your feelings!!!


You and your DH have been through so much, I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Take as long as you need to grieve, sometimes us girls need longer than the men. Very normal. You don't have to rush. hugs!

B
B, loving wife to L. Proud Mum to William Luke (22 months) and expecting Samuel James in November. >

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 10:56am

I am sorry for all that you are guys are going through. My husband works for the state and he now has furlow days where he doesn't get paid. I forget exactly how many furlow days he has to use in a given year but it stinks because that is less money coming in. Life is definitely unpredictable and a lot of times it doesn't go in our favor. It sounds like you need time to heal both physically and emotionally from your loss. My RE forced me to wait three cycles and it did help me. I am not saying for you to wait three cycles but some time does help.

I am thinking about you and I hope that your body can get back to normal ASAP. Hugs.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Fri, 10-29-2010 - 11:06pm

Karen,

Sorry I haven't replied to your post earlier. Ugh, sometimes the black clouds around us seem never-ending. I think that at times I'd rather have a lot of bad things happen at the same(ish) time because then I can get through them all at once. I know life is not all good or all bad so when the bad things happen I try to think of what might be the good things ahead. It helps me get through the bad. Just my thoughts. LOL, sometimes life just stinks. You certainly are having more than your fair share of unpleasantness right now. I hope things start looking up soon. Big ((HUGS)). You are in my thoughts.

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