On the Edge of a Meltdown
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|Mon, 10-25-2010 - 12:45pm|
So I'm still in the process of going through a natural m/c. I had played around with the idea of trying again after everything went back to normal. But last night as I sat there going through it all I though to myself that there was no way I can start trying again right away. It's just too painful to think about and I had been feeling quite numb for most of last night and this morning. But then I get the wonderful news from my dh to continue our streak of bad luck these past few months...
DH has worked for this same telecommunications company for 10 years. Thanks to union support we have had our monthly health insurance premiums paid for by his company. You literally have to go up to someone and shoot them point blank in front of a witness to get fired from this job. There are people who have been caught sitting at Starbucks or going home and taking naps while on overtime pay-and they still have their jobs. Through the years they have changed insurances and they've gotten a bit crappier (for lack of a better word) but we've always had the coverage. We do have to pay for dental at a discounted rate. However today dh comes home with paper that shows the new insurance Anthem/Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Not only do I dislike this insurance (had it before, had disputes on claims, slow to pay hospitals, etc, etc) but now we have to pay our own premiums each month. I guess you can say its the equivilent of a paycut-the new premiums are going to be taking roughly 20% of my dh's paychecks each month or somewhere in the ballpark of $500 -/+.
Dh has a bachelors in Business Management and has been an officer in the natl guard for the past five-six years. Yet anytime a management spot opens they give it to someone else (who they favor-buddy buddy) or they freeze the job and close it out. DH has tried to get jobs elsewhere but they are slim pickin's and some he doesn't quite qualify for and ones he does doesn't pay enough to change jobs. He currently is going for his MBA and the school is supposed to help find him a job when he graduates-we can only hope. There's no need for him to be out there digging holes, working in manholes, and climbing telephone poles when he's worked hard to be in a management slot. Not that I have anything against manual labor-they are the hardest and often most unappreciated workers out there!
So now I think that our dreams of having one more has gone out of the window. I don't think we can afford it right now and I don't want to try years from now when hopefully dh will have a better paying job. To make matters worse two of my daycare clients will likely no longer be coming to my home starting next summer and I will be losing $700/month.
I literally broke down and cried in the car this morning in front of my oldest because I just couldn't contain myself. I am trying hard right now to keep it all together. I wanted this baby so badly. I fought with my dh to try to conceive this baby. And here I am losing this baby that I so badly wanted and the prospect of us being able to have another seems to have diminished. And now I am wondering if all of this stress and worry is causing the cramps to worsen. I just want o lay in bed all day and sob and cry and feel sorry for myself.
And I just want to say that I understand that most people have to pay for their own insurance and I realized how lucky we were to have ours paid for by his company. I never took it for granted and at the same time I never expected for it to be taken away. The company tried to once but the union (who we pay every month) stood by us and kept the insurance intact. I also wasn't sure after that if it may one day come true that we would no longer have our insurance paid for but I guess I wasn't prepared to face it if it happened.
And then I had to tell an old Army friend on facebook that I had a m/c because several people had asked about the pg and I just never responded. She never responded and I deleted the post-don't think anyone else saw it as it was hiding. I'm not sure how to just come out and say it to everyone. But if I keep hiding it they will continue to ask. And then a daycare client who I watch her son on the odd night so she can work had asked if I was available this weekend and so I had to tell her what was going on. I just wish that I never told anyone about this pg. I wish I wasn't so sure of myself. In a way I felt like maybe I deserved it for feeling so self assured that nothing was going to happen and thinking that I was the super pg woman. And I keep having these thoughts that maybe it was something that I did. I know everyone says it just happens but I keep thinking what if it was this or that? I guess I am just having a big ole pity party over here.
I am not really looking for sympathy I just wanted to write it all out. Sometimes writing things down like this just makes me feel better. One of my clients brought me over a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread so I think I will go and eat that and try to make myself feel better. Try to ignore these stupid cramps, the fact that we may never have another baby, and that we will soon be struggling financially. And the fact that I am feeling quite stupid and very much a failure.