When does it happen, Kiki?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
When does it happen, Kiki?
5
Tue, 07-24-2012 - 11:28pm

I was thinking about all you were saying/writing tonight, and I realized that I just need to know how it all turns out.  You and I (Kiki) are close to the same age, so we remember LBI (Life Before the Internet).  In LBI, when you got pregnant, you went to the doctor and sat there while the nurse tuned the little paper dial to tell you your due date.  Now, I can google my EDD for every. single. cyle.  And I have.  LBI, you only heard of people who knew people who had miscarriages ("my aunt. . . "  "my sister's boyfriend's cousin. . .").  I never knew of one person who had a stillborn child before I did.  On my EC with Andrew, a woman named Susan posted "The Silent Birth of Stephen Matthew" and I read it thinking it was a birthing technique.  I remember (vividly) reading it and thinking 'oh, that's so sad for her, but it'll never happen to me.'  Only to have to post my own story later (I actually couldn't do it on my EC, someone else copied and pasted for me).   And now I have all that recorded somewhere out in cyber space.  I can google Andrew, and I do, often.  I re-read his obituary.  It makes it so, I don't know, OFFICIAL, somehow. 

November is fast approaching--why does it bother me so much to think that come 11/21/12, I won't be pregnant?  Because, let me tell you, history has taught me that one child does not ever replace another.  It's the anxiety, I guess, of thinking "this could be it, I could be pregnant" and then all the landslide of worry of everything that comes after.  Andrew was stillborn at exactly 38 weeks.  New Baby left my body by D&C at 16 weeks, 1 day.  This latest m/c happened naturally at 4 weeks, 4 days.  See how I've worked neatly backwards??? Third trimester loss, second trimester loss, first trimester loss. . . what happens next, just never getting pregnant?  That, actually, would be easier to stomach.  But I want to KNOW, I want to google it and get a neat little answer, just like an EDD.  A magic 8 ball that works--shake shake SHAKE, "will Kiki have a living baby?  Will I?" and the answer appears from cyberspace.

I'm thinking of you, girl.  And crying for us both while I google Andrew on another tab of my laptop.

 

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Registered: 03-28-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 11:01am

Awwww Aimee, all these raw emotions SUCK!!!

Yes....when I was pg.13 years ago, they didn't have transvaginal u/s or computers.....you simply waited until you were 12 weeks to get your 1st u/s.  And I was sooooooo blessed to have a smooth, easy pregnancy!

Okay, yes, I know I'm in my 40's, but it is still easy for me to get pg.? BUT, harder than anything to get a good egg, for a healthy pregnancy!  :smileyfrustrated:

The thing I don't understand? If it's a bad egg? why get pg., in the 1st place? It would save me so much hurt to just not get pg., instead of going on this emotional roller coaster of getting pg., then finding there is a hb to a certain point, then off to get a D&C done.

I read a book about recurrent m/c & some gals had stillborn losses, too.  It's called "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen.  There is no reason "why" but it helps to figure it out a little thru research.  It made me feel a bit better & helped to restore my "hope" a little.

We will never get answers Aimee, only God knows why, but it helps to know we feel the same frustration & sadness. And I believe God should be gracious, at some point!  :smileywink:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

Avatar for cowboys_grl
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Registered: 03-28-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 5:29pm

Aimee, I just bought a new book off Amazon.  (this is how I cope with everything, by reading)...It's about trying again after recurrent m/c & stillborn loss.  Forgot the name & author.  If it's a good book, I'll suggest it...looks good.  :smileywink:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 6:32pm

OK.  I got a lot of those after Andrew.  I haven't read the one you've been talking about, though.  Let me know how the new one is.

 

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Registered: 05-04-2012
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 8:19pm

If it is a good book, make sure you let us all know what it is.  "Coming to term" has brought me so much comfort these past few weeks.  I trust your judgement in books and if this is a good book I'd like to read it.

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 8:31pm

Oh good, I am glad, yes it helped me alot too!

Yes, if it's good, I'll let y'all know!  Chrissy have a nice few day get away.....I sure hope the spotting stops soon!

Yes, I think we all just need a break to 'breathe' and relax a little!  :smileywink:

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend