When does it happen, Kiki?
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|Tue, 07-24-2012 - 11:28pm|
I was thinking about all you were saying/writing tonight, and I realized that I just need to know how it all turns out. You and I (Kiki) are close to the same age, so we remember LBI (Life Before the Internet). In LBI, when you got pregnant, you went to the doctor and sat there while the nurse tuned the little paper dial to tell you your due date. Now, I can google my EDD for every. single. cyle. And I have. LBI, you only heard of people who knew people who had miscarriages ("my aunt. . . " "my sister's boyfriend's cousin. . ."). I never knew of one person who had a stillborn child before I did. On my EC with Andrew, a woman named Susan posted "The Silent Birth of Stephen Matthew" and I read it thinking it was a birthing technique. I remember (vividly) reading it and thinking 'oh, that's so sad for her, but it'll never happen to me.' Only to have to post my own story later (I actually couldn't do it on my EC, someone else copied and pasted for me). And now I have all that recorded somewhere out in cyber space. I can google Andrew, and I do, often. I re-read his obituary. It makes it so, I don't know, OFFICIAL, somehow.
November is fast approaching--why does it bother me so much to think that come 11/21/12, I won't be pregnant? Because, let me tell you, history has taught me that one child does not ever replace another. It's the anxiety, I guess, of thinking "this could be it, I could be pregnant" and then all the landslide of worry of everything that comes after. Andrew was stillborn at exactly 38 weeks. New Baby left my body by D&C at 16 weeks, 1 day. This latest m/c happened naturally at 4 weeks, 4 days. See how I've worked neatly backwards??? Third trimester loss, second trimester loss, first trimester loss. . . what happens next, just never getting pregnant? That, actually, would be easier to stomach. But I want to KNOW, I want to google it and get a neat little answer, just like an EDD. A magic 8 ball that works--shake shake SHAKE, "will Kiki have a living baby? Will I?" and the answer appears from cyberspace.
I'm thinking of you, girl. And crying for us both while I google Andrew on another tab of my laptop.