AF has arrived...
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|Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:04am|
I'm officially at CD 1 again. So much is bothering me, I can't even begin to put it all down into words. But, even though I kind of knew this cycle was a bust when spotting started and everything "felt" like a normal non-pg cycle and I didn't even have any IPS, I just feel so incredibly sad and frustrated. I feel like my body is defective. I can't GET pg and the one time I do after 2 years of TTC, I can't even carry the baby to my 2nd trimester. And now I'm back to not being able to get pg again. I feel like I get to this point every single stupid time AF arrives, but I still question whether this is even worth my time and effort. But, for some reason, I continue to put myself through this anger, sadness, frustration, [insert any other emotion of disappointment] month after month after month.
I think I'm also just really irritated right now because AF had to come on the day that I go for my next "training session" for my NFP program (which I really don't want to participate in, except that my doctor wants me to, so he can get a better picture of my fertility, or lack thereof). I am a horrible "test taker" (as in school-type test, although HPT's aren't faring well either) and every session we have, I have to answer all sorts of questions. I KNOW how to do this NFP charting, I just don't always have the exact right answers to the stupid verbal test I'm given every time I go in there. I'm just about ready to pack it in, give up, and just tell the doctor that I just don't have it in me to chart and put this kind of stress on myself. But, then I get to AF's departure and I want to try again. I HAVE to try again for this baby that I know is supposed to be part of my family.
Shoot...now I'm crying. I don't cry. Not usually. I hate this. I'm sorry...thanks for listening. I know that AF will leave in a few days, I'll feel better, and be ready to move on to this next cycle of TTC. I'm just hating this right now. I know you all know this feeling, so I needed to share where I know someone will understand.