AF has arrived...

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Registered: 06-27-2006
AF has arrived...
9
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:04am

I'm officially at CD 1 again. So much is bothering me, I can't even begin to put it all down into words. But, even though I kind of knew this cycle was a bust when spotting started and everything "felt" like a normal non-pg cycle and I didn't even have any IPS, I just feel so incredibly sad and frustrated. I feel like my body is defective. I can't GET pg and the one time I do after 2 years of TTC, I can't even carry the baby to my 2nd trimester. And now I'm back to not being able to get pg again. I feel like I get to this point every single stupid time AF arrives, but I still question whether this is even worth my time and effort. But, for some reason, I continue to put myself through this anger, sadness, frustration, [insert any other emotion of disappointment] month after month after month.

I think I'm also just really irritated right now because AF had to come on the day that I go for my next "training session" for my NFP program (which I really don't want to participate in, except that my doctor wants me to, so he can get a better picture of my fertility, or lack thereof). I am a horrible "test taker" (as in school-type test, although HPT's aren't faring well either) and every session we have, I have to answer all sorts of questions. I KNOW how to do this NFP charting, I just don't always have the exact right answers to the stupid verbal test I'm given every time I go in there. I'm just about ready to pack it in, give up, and just tell the doctor that I just don't have it in me to chart and put this kind of stress on myself. But, then I get to AF's departure and I want to try again. I HAVE to try again for this baby that I know is supposed to be part of my family.

Shoot...now I'm crying. I don't cry. Not usually. I hate this. I'm sorry...thanks for listening. I know that AF will leave in a few days, I'll feel better, and be ready to move on to this next cycle of TTC. I'm just hating this right now. I know you all know this feeling, so I needed to share where I know someone will understand.

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Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 11:17am

Oh no, sweetie, I'm sorry. I can tell you that you're not alone. We tried for 2 years to get pg and I also couldn't carry my son to the 2nd T. It is so frusterating, scary, and unfair.

My question, and forgive if this is touchy for you, is are you dead-set on that particular doctor? I worry that after 2 years he still wants the soft approach of NFP. That doesn't seem quite reasonable unless you're like 21 yrs old.

Chouli, 34; DH 45 Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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Registered: 08-16-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 2:22pm

Oh Tee, Im really sorry that AF showed again. Its just so unfair to TTC and have nothing to show for it except raging hormones, crying, and a broken heart. Getting AF again always reminds me of my losses.... it's hard.

Better luck and good wishes for you during this new cycle.

-Nicole

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Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 2:31pm
The reason behind the NFP is because I've done all sorts of other testing that has come up inconclusive (from the doctor's office I just left to go to this new doctor). I've had an HSG (negative), a whole bunch of bloodwork to test for nearly everything under the sun, hormone-wise (all negative), bloodwork for clotting disorders (negative), follicle study (normal). The one thing that is going for us is that he's getting a picture of what my cycles look like by looking at a chart of CM. It's a visual representation of my cycles. I'm just starting my 3rd cycle on this NFP charting. But, it's already showing that 1st cycle of charting, I spotted for 5 days before my period started. This last cycle, I spotted for 3 days. It gave him the ammunition to test (properly) for my progesterone at 4dpo, 7dpo, and 11dpo (I was supposed to go 3dpo instead of 4dpo, but 3dpo was on a Sunday when the labs were closed). My former doctor's office just did one huge blood draw and had the lab test for every hormone, without regard to where I was in my cycle.

I've only just started with this new doctor. I've been with him for about 3 months now. I think that this new doctor is wanting to get to know me, get to know my cycles, get to have a picture of what my cycles look like and whether there's anything additional to be gleaned from my charts that perhaps my other doctor (idiots that they were...I could go into that, but I won't) didn't see. I really think they are being proactive in trying to get a whole picture of my cycles and what my body is doing. But, I am happy that they ordered the Progesterone tests after seeing that first cycle of spotting for 5 days and didn't wait to see what other cycles looked like. I'm just really really impatient and I wish there was more they could do. BUT, I've had all sorts of other testing done through my former OB/GYN's office and everything came out "normal" so I think we're just trying to make sure that no stone is unturned. I think they also want to make sure that we ARE catching O time and not misinterpreting it, because apparently that can happen. Although, I think I would much prefer doing OPK's if they are that set on knowing when O is happening. BUT, I also know that it doesn't show the whole picture of my whole cycle. I've done the temp charting thing (years ago) and it didn't help us figure out when O was going to happen. It only showed when I had already O'ed.

I hope I did a better job of explaining things. I've been through so much. We tried for 18 months to get our DD. Now we've been trying a total of 28 cycles (not counting the months I was pg with the baby we lost in June). Definitely getting tired. Worn out, but feeling like our family is not complete, so we march on with a brave face while dissolving on the insides.

Yes, you're right, NFP sounds like a soft approach, but I think that this new doctor (who happens to be the chief of OB/GYN at the hospital) really is trying to figure things out and since he's got all the test results my previous doctor did, he's trying to dig a little deeper. He doesn't want to just put me on Clomid without seeing if there's something else that isn't showing up in the tests I've had done. Does that make any sense? Sorry if I'm redundant. I just hope I'm not sounding like I'm naive. I did leave my previous doctor's office because they really didn't care about me as a person. They weren't helping me in a way that I was comfortable with. I needed to find a doctor who was going to know his stuff, but yet treat me as a human being, rather than a paying customer. I have found that in this doctor. I'm just not 100% on board with this NFP method. I'm sure we'll use it for a while until we either achieve a pregnancy or give up TTC. But, I also know that it's not something that works for us as a forever thing. I'll try it for a while. If it's not doing anything, all my tests come back "normal" and there's nothing useful to be gleaned from this charting process, I will quit and go back to the way we have been doing things and just leave it up to God.

I'm at a point where the doctor IS talking Clomid (but he wants to rule everything else out that he can think of), but I'm not entirely sure I want to go that route. DH and I haven't decided if it's something we want to do. I don't know whether insurance covers it, either. I know Clomid comes in generic form and I can get it for pretty cheap out of pocket. I just don't know whether I want to do that. Part of me wants every chance that is within affordable reason. Another part of me just doesn't know whether this is considered "playing God".

Anyway, I'm doing a lot of soul searching these days. Just really down and out today. Probably a combination of AF, having to do charting (which is far from my favorite thing), adding more "meetings" into my already busy schedule, and the weather turning colder and yuckier. Just a recipe for a foul mood.

Thanks for your words though. It definitely helps knowing that I'm not alone. I hate this infertility stuff. It's just not fair!
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Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 2:36pm
Thanks, Nicole. It IS unfair. I agree...this AF has reminded me so much of my most recent loss. I really don't know why this cycle is hitting me so much harder than some of the ones I've had since my loss. I wonder if it's the fact that my EDD is fast approaching. I was supposed to be due right after Christmas - we're entering that busy holiday season. I'm SUPPOSED to be huge, waddling, uncomfortable, and getting ready to give birth. But I'm not.
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Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 7:36pm
Ugh, I'm so sorry. Every CD 1 is SO hard for me and I have had a lot of them the last few years. It does get easier after a few days but that first couple days is rough.
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Registered: 05-04-2006

Tee,

I don't mean to thread hijack, but I just recognized your siggy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Thanks Aubre. I do remember you from Jan EC. It's good to see a familiar face around here. Are you still TTC?

We had our NFP session tonight and I'm just glad that DH was there. He tends to diffuse things and make me feel better, even if I'm not perfect at answering the questions they are looking for me to know. This time I got the ones I got wrong last time, correctly, but then I got something else wrong that I have gotten right in the past. I think she just phrases the questions differently each time, so it throws me off. But, I need DH there. It helps me feel better, even when I'm not perfect at this. :)

I hope you're doing well. I think of you from time to time, along with the other ladies who lost their angel babies around the same time as us.
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Registered: 05-04-2006

Well I'm glad the class went a little better for you last night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Aubre, I sent you a Private Message. :)
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