Brave moment for me ***pregnancy, birth and child mentioned**** Not sure where to put this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Brave moment for me ***pregnancy, birth and child mentioned**** Not sure where to put this
5
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 6:12pm

*************************************This post is largely about attending a birth, after having 2 miscarriages during length of friend's pregnancy. Please don't read if feeling fragile or sensitive*************************************************************

My best friend delivered her second daughter yesterday and I was feeling brave and decided to go to her birth. We were doulas (birth companions) together for many years, we've gone through every school together (elementary, middle, high school, college, then taught together at 3 local elementary schools), we were even pregnant together with our first pregnancies and my DD and her DD are best friends. I attended the birth of her daughter and she attended the birth of mine. It was a beautiful thing to be a part of, and I have wonderful memories of it.

I really struggled with whether or not I should go. I thought I might not be able to handle it, and I was really sad about that. Although I'm not working as a doula anymore, I love childbirth and think it is one of the most beautiful, special things that anyone can be part of. But during my BF's pregnancy, I have had 2 miscarriages, one of which would be due in just 2 weeks, the other that I am still bleeding from. I really wanted to be there for my friend and share this time with her, but I just wasn't sure how I would be feeling or if I would be able to go there and really be there for her, instead of consumed by thoughts of me, or feeling pain at her happiness (honesty, here).

But yesterday was a good day, and I was feeling brave, so I decided to go for it. I got the call asking if I wanted to go, and I didn't even hesitate, before answering yes. I did cry in the car all the way there (it can be dangerous driving on the Golden Gate Bridge while crying!) and I cried at the hospital, but so was everyone else, and I often cry at births, so I felt okay about that. There was a moment, when I was watching her push her newborn out, where I felt a huge pang of sadness and lost, and thought, "that should be me". At that moment, I felt the loss of my two angels very deeply. But then I saw her face and the relief, pain and joy she felt, and a stronger feeling of happiness for her washed over that pain. I don't know if this is the right forum to share this, and I truly aplogize if it is not. I was just proud that I was able to go and share that with her, and not be consumed by my own losses. It made me feel more like me again. I also realized that this is the first birth I've been to since my first miscarriage, which is significant for me. My big sister is pregnant now too, and this made me feel brave like I could handle everything that is going to go with that (planning her baby shower, giving her hand-me-downs I thought I would be using, attending her birth, etc). It felt almost cathartic to go and face my fears.I don't think I will attend any stranger's births until we have our next baby (and I'm feeling more confident that its going to happen for us) but I will attend friend's or family member's if they ask me now. It's nice to know that I can still do the things that brought me joy before, even if they are related to pregnancy.

S

Avatar for ribrit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2001

((((hugs))))) It was very brave of you to go be with your friend. I hope it is you very soon!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2008

I think it is great that you were able to do that and it is a very big step for someone who has suffered m/c!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010

Wow, I'm completely in awe of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006

Wow, I'm just amazed that you were able to do that for her. As Julia said, you touched something in me and I'm sitting here crying.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Maybe someday we'll all be in a place where we could do the same thing- hopefully soon.

--Wendy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
I'm sitting here crying to. I've caught myself thinking about it over the past 2 days, and I tear up or get emotional just thinking about it. I really really hope that it will be her getting a babysitter to come to my birth at this time next year. Being there did something for me, (triggered some hope maybe?) and has allowed me to start looking forward to my next pregnancy, instead of fearing it. Maybe it was just the reminder of what could be?

S