White Lies?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
White Lies?
12
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 4:18pm

Has your phone ever rang and when you see that it's your annoying "friend" or MIL, don't answer and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 5:44pm
I took it - turns out I don't lie too much!! ;)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:02pm
I think my biggest thing that I lie about is telling people I'm doing well when I might not be. I'm big on pretending all us fantastic on the outside when I'm a puddle on the inside.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 7:23pm
I think my biggest thing is agreeing to do things or go places I don't want to or don't have time to do. I feel obligated to do anything anyone asks of me for fear of hurting their feelings so I ALWAYS say yes. I have been trying to be better about that though and I think I have been.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 6:05am

I haven't take the survey yet, but I just had to chime in.

I think that when it falls into the category of "none of your dang business" (my weight, my sex life, my income, etc.) if we don't want to tell the truth we should just say "that's not your business" or pretend we didn't hear (which is what I do:smileyhappy:- I'm kinda non-confrontational about things that don't really matter to me).

--Wendy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 6:12am

Ooh! About a year ago I totally changed my personal policy on something like this. In the past, and I believe its almost human nature, if someone apologized I would automatically say "its ok"...even if its not! Sometimes its not ok and why should I always let the other person think just saying "sorry" wipes away the misdeed? The first time I did this was at work (sorry if long story) I booked the media center for my AP students weeks in advance. So we walk down there and start working on research when our Reading Coach comes over and pretty much kicks us out b/c she needs the computers and had forgotten to book them. She made sure I knew her needs were the priority. She did fake gush and say "I'm so sorry about this." And all I did was say "Mmmhmmm." She almost exploded she was so flustered that I didn't say it was ok. It was almost comedic.

Chouli, 34; DH 45 Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 7:42am

Chouli, I have also started doing that same thing around the same time I stopped saying yes to everything.

I used to say very sincerely (or so it sounded) with a big smile, how it was okay, it was fine, not a problem at all. Always making sure to prevent that person for feeling at all badly for whatever it is they had done. Then I got to thinking, why am *I* going out of *my* way to make *her* feel better?? SHE is the one who owes me the apology!

Now I will never have the gall to look at someone who is apologizing to me and tell them it is NOT okay but I assure you that when I a mutter a very INSINCERE, clearly irritated "yep, it's fine" with no kindness or smile at all, that they are very aware that is most certainly NOT okay. I firmly believe you teach people how to treat you. They will do whatever they think they can get away with. It's up to you to reduce how much they can get away with.

We have a friend whose daughter cheers with our daughter. Well said is really flaky and her husband is too. Her husband gets off work at 3PM and is home in time to get the girl to pratice. My husband works 24 on and 48 off so he is home more days than he is at work. She used to call at least once a week asking me if DH could pick her kid up and take her to practice. Well they only live ten min away so it's really not that big a deal and we used to always say yes. But here recently, it really started to piss me off. HER husband is at home sitting on his butt yet MY husband is expected to pick your kid up and be responsible for her while she is at practice? Why, because YOUR husband's time is more valueable than mine? I don't think so.

I finally told her that we don't mind doing it occassionally when she is in a pinch. It happens to all of us and I assume it will happen to us someday too but this can't be a weekly thing. DH may only work 2 or 3 times a week but he works really hard and gets NO sleep during the 24 hours he is at work. It takes him that whole next day to fully recover from a 24 hour shift nevermind that because he is at home and I work full time, he is doing a lot of the housework. He primarilly does laundry, cooks dinner every night, runs our errandsand does our grocery shopping. In other words, just because he is not at work 5 days a week for 8 hours a day does not make him available to you for chaufer service.

Sorry that got so long, she pisses me off LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 8:48am
How did she take it when you told her about the change of plans? Good for you! My DH is my hero in that he can tell people "no" without flinching or feeling badly at all! I hope I can learn that from him eventually.
Chouli, 34; DH 45 Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 9:46am
Really? I think, if I had been you, I would have told her it was NOT Ok and that you had to reserve the media center ahead of time, which you did, and that you have something that needs to be done in there as well.

But, in lots of situations, I have been working on not saying "It's OK" unless it really is ok.

I do find that story funny. Did you give up the computer room, or did you hold your ground and stay?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 2:33pm
in the survey, I found that when it asked how often you lie, being honest, I had to say a couple times a week BECAUSE it never fails, at least a couple of times a week, someone asks how I am doing and my answer is ALWAYS fine, I'm fine. And truth be told, I haven't been "fine" since my baby died, but I will tell everyone that - it's none of their business, all they need to know is that "I'm fine".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 6:57pm
I'm so with you on that - Perhaps it's not lying - you're fine, as in, you've made it another day, you're living your life, you got out of bed that morning...and for some people that's all that they really truly are looking for. Unfortunately, there are so few people out there who you can really talk to about how you REALLY are feeling.

I just did that last weekend - we had just made our decision to stop fertility treatments, to just let go and let things happen if they are going to happen and if not, we'll live with it. I was still really, really sad (I still am, but not as stinging as last weekend). Someone asked me in passing how I was and I plastered on the fake smile and said I was fine. Someone else, who I trust slightly more, asked the same thing and I said that I was hanging in there. He asked if everything really was ok because I didn't LOOK ok. I said that we had just made a family decision that was really ripping me apart inside. He did press further, but then was apologizing for asking. I'm not sure why someone should apologize (other than trying to press for more information - but I could have just simply said it was just a personal thing and not given specifics). But, then again, he's like a father-figure, so I felt like I could trust him over someone I don't know. And he left me with the information that he knows how hard losses are - he and his wife had 5 losses. But, I really do think that people ask that question of "how are you?" not really expecting anything other than an "I'm fine" or "I'm great" answer. I just hope that when I ask those types of questions, people will be honest with me.
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