I'm having a miscarriage again. I found out I was PG last Thursday, the day before I left for my vacation. I had had a colposcopy to follow-up on an abnormal Pap just two days before I found out I was PG, but I told my OB that I might be PG and he said that it would still be safe to do the colposcopy if I were PG. He took a couple of biopsies. I found out I was PG on Thursday and went in for my prenatal bloodwork in the afternoon, and then left for my vacation on Friday as planned. (My doctor said that traveling would be OK while PG). I called in for my blood test results on Monday while I was staying at my uncle's house in FL, and the doctor himself called me back and said that the results were not good. The hCG was only a 5 and the progesterone was only a 9. He said he suspected it was another chemical PG (which is what he suspects I had in January (two months after my first m/c) when I had all of those positive tests and then the blood test was negative). However, when I told the doctor that I had another positive test on Sunday, he was confused by that. (He said that those early tests require your hCG to be a 25 to turn positive). He also had some worrisome news to report regarding my biopsies. He found a high-grade lesion on my cervix. He said it's a precancerous condition, which wouldn't normally worry me too much (I've heard the term "precancerous" used a lot, so it is pretty common, I think), but he said that it's closer to the cancer end of the spectrum than to the benign end, so it needs to be treated ASAP. He also said that he would refer me to an oncologist to treat it. Except that it is not safe to do during pregnancy, so we would have to wait and see how this plays out. My OB, in the end of the conversation on Monday, had said that we should treat it as if it was a viable PG until we knew otherwise, and he scheduled me for an u/s for next Thursday to check for a heartbeat. Since my vacation was ruined, I got extremely homesick and called my DH Monday night and told him I wanted to fly home Tuesday (yesterday). I drove down there with my sister and her kids, but since we had stopped in Tennessee overnight, we didn't arrive in FL until late Saturday and it would have been cruel to ruin the kids' vacation, too, since they were having the time of their lives. My DH decided that instead of spending the money on a plane ticket, he would just drive down and "pick me up" (like it's just down the street!) after he got off work at 11:30 Monday night. So he did. I wasn't going to let him at first, but I knew that a m/c was probably about to happen and didn't want to have it happen down there, and I was anxious to get back home and see my doctor. My doctor called in a progesterone supplement to the pharmacy in FL for me. My DH arrived yesterday afternoon and we left town a couple of hours later (picking up the progesterone on our way out of town). We decided to stop for the night in Tennessee when we both became too tired to drive any further, and when we got to the hotel, I discovered that I was spotting. (I had been cramping off and on for most of the trip). The bleeding became more heavy overnight, and today, it is very very heavy and exactly like the bleeding with my first m/c. Luckily, I was able to get online from my hotel room last night (we had DH's laptop), and I talked to my friend, who I not only work with, but her sister works at my OB's office, and told her what was going on. She was able to pass along the info to her sister, who told my OB's nurse, so when I called the nurse today, she already knew what I was going through and I was spared the pain of having to repeat it again. She said that if I was already starting to miscarry on my own, I need to come in and see the doctor. I have to go in tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure that it is definitely a miscarriage, but it will still be devestating for him to tell me that the pregnancy is definitely over.
I am concerned about the lesion on my cervix and the only blessing to be seen in this is that now I can get this treated before I start TTC again. The part that scares me to death is that my aunt (whose house I was staying in in FL) is a nurse, and said that there is a good chance I will have to have part of my cervix removed, and I am concerned about what that will do to my ability to have future children.
Other than my DH's heroism in coming to my rescue and bringing me home, he has been silent as usual, hasn't asked me how I'm feeling, hasn't even mentioned this at all. I told him I might not be up to the family card game (with his family) on Friday, and he innocently asked "Why not?" When we were almost home today, "Angel" by Sarah MacLaughlin came on the radio, and I broke down crying on his shoulder, and he didn't even acknowledge it. He just kept his eyes on the road, didn't pat me or ask me what was wrong, didn't even look at me. I know that maybe he just doesn't know what to say. I do have family, etc. here for me, but I want HIM to be here for me. I feel like this should be something we're going through together, and he isn't even acknowledging what is happening. Technically, this was my fourth pregnancy - my third loss since November. The first one could have been a fluke, but what is going on?
Please pray for me. I am absolutely heartbroken and depressed and I know that, assuming I will be able to have more children eventually, between the time it will take me to get an appointment for the surgery, to the waiting period afterwards, it will easily be several months, at least, before I am allowed to start TTC again.
Mary, mom to Sylvia (7/6), ~i~ m/c 11/02, ~i~ chemical PG 1/03, and ~i~ m/c 4/03