Hello (Sorry...long one)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2009
Hello (Sorry...long one)
5
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 2:16am
I have been lurking around for a couple weeks now and think it is time to say hello. I have been feeling a little down lately and DH has been trying hard to deal with the emotions, but I think I need some of that "I know how you feel" support. I apologize in advance. This is going to be long. I haven't shared my feelings about my loss much and feel like I need to say it all.

My name is Jennifer (34). DH (33) and I TTCd for almost 2 yrs before our first bfp and after a very easy pregnancy welcomed our DS in Dec 2010. We always wanted our children about 3 yrs apart, but after it took so long to TTC our first, we decided to just go with the flow. We were pleasantly surprised to get our second bfp on 11/9/11. I had some spotting around 5-6 wks, but tried to stay positive and decided not to go in until our scheduled first appt at 8.5 wks which just so happened to be on DS first birthday. But as we got closer I started to worry. I just felt like something was different this time and I started to regret scheduling on DS birthday. When the day came I tried to not worry and went in all smiles, but wasn't really shocked when what we saw wasn't what we had hoped for. There was no baby. Just an empty uterus filled with fluid measuring about 9 wks pg. A blighted ovum, I guess they call it. Where the egg implants, but never grows, yet the body thinks it is pg. I had a D&C on 12/12/11. It was very emotional. I kept telling DH just one year ago to the date, we were taking home a baby and now we were saying good bye to another. I have tried to stay positive and stay focused on DS, but lately I have found myself awake at night tossing and turning and thinking and many times crying. Within the last month or so 5 moms in my Dec 2010 group have announced their pg and one of my fellow coworkers too. Though, DH and I are planning to really TTC starting in May so we can shoot for a spring baby, I have secretly hoped for an unplanned bfp since we are NTNP. To make things harder for me, I had some unexplained bleeding through February. Basically AF started on Feb 15 and I heavily spotted until AF started on March 13 which was heavier than normal. I also cramped more than normal and passed some large clots. My Dr thinks I may have experienced another mc, though he is not certain. He preformed an u/s at my appt on Monday and saw some unexplained blackness which he thinks is a blood clot that hasn't passed. He wants me to just wait it out another few cycles to see if things clear on their own. I worry that this will delay our bfp and bring back all the stress and emotions I felt when TTC DS.

I hate myself for being so negative sometimes and asking why it is so easy for other, yet so difficult for me. For finding it hard to be happy for others. For feeling like I have to keep my mc a secret. Like it is something to be ashamed of. And that by talking about it I am fishing for sympathy. I hate that July 14 (my edd) will always be a day of pain that is etched in my heart rather than a day of celebration. I thought that not seeing anything was going to make the healing process easier. That knowing there was never any growth or baby would some had made this experience less painful, but it hasn't. I morn what, in those short 9 wks, we hoped and dreamed for. Growth or not, those dreams were taken from me.

Sorry that it is so long, but thanks so much for listening!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Avatar for jmetz09
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2010
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 5:24am

First off I am so sorry for ur Loss my dear:( (((HUGGSSS))) Its never easy!!! I am so sorry that you are going through this!! I had 3 losses within 11 months the last being my daughter born at 20 weeks I can understand what you are talking about!! We also have been trying to get pregnant since last august ..and it hasent happened the first 3 times we got pregnant very easily so its been hard for me! I know that God will Bless us with What we are ment to have I know now its probably hard to think that way!! I know i was bitter with my losses!!! I hope that you find peace and comfort in this group and that we can help you with your TTC Journey!?!?!?! Feel free to email me if you would like :

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 8:13am

I'm so sorry for your loss Jennifer. I don't think anyone who hasn't miscarried can understand what it is like, the second you find out you are pregnant you replan the rest of your life in your head making room for your new baby and then when you find out there isn't gonna be a baby you have to re-arrange your whole life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2011
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 1:03pm

I'm sorry for what you've been through & continue to go through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 1:22pm

Thanks for sharing your story, wookiecookiez. Please let us know if you have a successful IUI, we'd love to hear a success story and, if the worst happens and you get a BFN, you can cry on our shoulders

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-1999
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 8:22am
Hi there... (current PG mentioned)

I am so sorry for your loss (((hugs))). I've had 3 losses & the third was a confirmed blighted ovum, so I really do understand. I waited to miscarry naturally, and it was pure torture.

After my second miscarriage (also a natural miscarriage) I spotted for something like 6 weeks and my cycles got really off course- anywhere from 23 days to 43 days. It was super frustrating.

After the third they magically straightened back out again. I will say that I do not conceive easily (3 years between m/c #2 & m/c #3). I'm still mad at myself for not changing doctors sooner. I finally found a doc who was more aggressive & found out exactly what was causing my issues. I had an hsg done in December & got a bfp in January... less than 6 months after mu last miscarriage, which was a record.

What I'm saying is it is hard to stay upbeat, positive, focused on the end result when all you want to do is scream at the world. TTCAM is here for the venting, screaming, and crying portion... but you need to make sure that you have a doctor who will be aggressive for you too.

In addition, there is a neat website called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope where women are becoming more vocal about being angel mommies. After the second miscarriage I became a little more vocal about m/c awareness. After the third I was completely open about it. I figure I'm almost an old pro at it and if by sharing my info I can help someone else, who knows what differences can be made. Don't hold it all in.

I hope your ttc journey is short & sweet, and that you'll be holding a new bundle of joy within a year. Baby dust to you!

 


 


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