I'm 17 in a tough situation, Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
I'm 17 in a tough situation, Please help
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Mon, 04-07-2003 - 8:16pm
Hello, I'm 17 and back in September I was 9 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. I'm still upset that I miscarried, well at first when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, but then I got really happy cause my boyfriend and I were going share something really special. When I had the miscarriage, we were devestated. We had made so many changes, just so we could have this baby, and then look what happened. Well, I have really wanted a baby since I had the miscarriage. I know that nothing can replace the baby I lost, but just the joy of sharing something special with my boyfriend, was a great feeling. I'm going to college in the fall for nursing, and have already graduated high school early (i had enough credits to graduate in january instead of june!), my boyfriend is 18 and going to college and working full time, plus im working full time, and pay my own bills, and we plan on moving in together over the summer. Do you all feel the same way as me? I know it isnt normal for a 17 year old to want a baby, but do any of you think I'm normal for wanting one in my circumstances? Please respond. Thanks in advance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 10:22pm
Hi! Let me be the first to say that I'm so sorry about your baby. This isn't an easy situation for anyone to be in but I imagine it must be even tougher when you were scared to begin with. What you are feeling is very normal. I know of several women who didn't plan to become pregnant but after losing one, wanted to try again. I don't blame you a bit for wanting another baby. It sounds as though your life is going in the right direction and you are a very intelligent young lady. Consider how much better a life you and your boyfriend could share with a new baby after you both finish college! Ultimately, obviously, this is a decision you both have to make together but I hope you give it much thought before you make a lifechanging decision. I know you will make the right decision for your situation. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

Jacqui

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 10:30pm
Hey There,

My mom had me when she was 17. She has always been a great mom and is now my best friend. I think you have to do what your heart tells you. What kind of nursing school are you planning on going to? Is it a 1, 2, or 4 yr program? Do you plan on being a stay at home mom or working? With a nursing job, you could likely work opposite the dad's schedule. Anyway, what I mean is, things always work themselves out and you just have to follow your heart. There is no right time to have a baby. I have two kids and ttc one more after a m/c. I have been working on my degree here and there. Money is tight, but we manage and I am so glad that I had my children young. I was 20 when my DD was born. There's plenty of time for degrees and careers. If being a mother is what you want first, then go for it. The way I see it, by thte tiem I finish my degree adn am ready to go back to work, my kids will all be well into elementary school and I prefer it that way. Everyone is different though, so do what's right for you!

Katy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:11am
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is completely normal after a loss to want to replace that loss. I know that after my m/c I was even more driven to get pregnant again. I would encourage you to think long and hard about your motivation to have a baby. That is what my dh and I did before we decided to try. It is important to bring a baby into the world because you want to provide for them not because you think that a baby will fill a void for you. That was something that I had a tough time coming to grips with as I have wanted a baby for years but dh was a little reluctant because he knew what a big change it would mean to our lives to have another being totally dependent on us. For me, it has been a real eye opener to help a friend of mine with a 6 month old whose husband has been called up into the service. The baby takes so much time to take care of and I now know how hard it is to do especially as a single mom. Another piece of advice that I have been told is that the best present you can give a child is a good marriage. I really do believe that and it is something that my dh and I have talked about alot in our decision to ttc. Whatever your decision, just give it alot of thought first and make sure you are bringing a baby into the world that is very wanted and set yourself up for the best chance of being a successful mom emotionally and financially.

Hugs to you,

Sophia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:58pm
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand the need/desire to have another baby ASAP--it's almost as if the pain will be lessened if you can get pregnant again soon. At least that's how I have thought. Well, hope you don't mind me sharing some of my thoughts/feelings/experiences with you. I read your post last night and have been thinking about you a lot today--and was with a friend who started off being a mom at a YOUNG age of 18 (after a m/c before that too) today and she said something that immediately brought me back to your post. Let me first say that EACH PERSON is different, but what I am going to share is just an overall observation of my family members and close friends and my personal experiences.

At age 17 and 18 I think that 90%+ of girls want and feel the need to settle down and have a family. I know I felt such a drive to find that husband and start a family when I began college. But, as I matured in AGE and experience, I began to see that I was a strong individual who had a lot going for myself and that God would bring a long the "right guy" at the right time and then in due time, a family. I have a dear mother, "sister-in-law" (never married my brother, they've been together 8+ years) and a best friend who all got pregnant at a YOUNG age (mom-17, married dad, sil-17, 2.5 kids later and is only 22 and best friend-17, age 27 now and has 5 kids) and if you'd ask any of them if they could change one thing about what happened at age 17--it would be this--that they didn't wait until they were older to begin this LONG journey of parenthood. Now, not a single one of them would go back and do it over, because of the awesome children they have now--but it has caused many many sleepless, fight-filled nights for each of them--because they THOUGHT they knew what they wanted at that age and then BAM-they wake up, they're 22+ and have a house full of kids and all their friends are getting their first real jobs out of college and they are already exhausted because they've been mommies for 5+ years already! (For the record, my mom divorced my dad after 25 yr. of a very unhappy relationship, my sil and brother have had their fair share of issues/near split-ups and my best friend's marriage has been threatened by two affairs) Now--they love being moms, but each have told me that it really hit them hard by their 22-24 yr. mark. I am NOT who I was now, at age 26, that I was even when I married my husband 2 years ago! Gosh, I thought I knew what I wanted then---and boy does time and circumstances change things! I am sooooooooooo glad that I waited to get married and start a family until I was "older" (24 isn't that old, but to a 17-18 year old, it feels OLD!!). Not ONCE have I said "Gosh, wish I would have gotten married younger," but almost on a weekly basis, I hear someone-whether in passing/person/or on t.v. say "I wish I would have just waited to have gotten married and have children until I was a little older....." Does that make sense to you? You can't go back and un-do history--but you can work today on making tomorrow's history the best that it can be for you and your future family. I was so in love with my dear Ryan in college. Knew I was going to marry him. The only thing was--no problems or fighting or anything-we just had different goals and parted our ways after a year of dating. He is still a dear friend and when I look at him (talk to him, email, etc) I think "Thank you God for the lessons I learned in that relationship, but thank you God for not letting me marry him!!!" See, at age 18, I thought I knew what was BEST for my life! Glad the "big man upstairs" knew better than myself!

I hope that my "sermon" hasn't hurt you--it's just after reading your post, thinking about things and hearing my friend of 5 kids under the age of 9 say today that she's finally getting to the point of WANTING to enjoy being a mom--I couldn't go without sharing my heart w/ you!!! I'm not one to post long opinions,e tc. here--but you did ask and I wanted to share where I was coming from.

I am now 26, married to a man who is 14 years older than me, expecting our first baby in November after a m/c in August of 2002. Are we ready to be parents? I don't think we'll ever be READY, but I know that we have the love, wisdom and maturity that it takes to be great parents and from there, we'll build on things!

Blessings to you!!!! Hope that helps!!!!

Jessi <><

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:48pm
First all let me say I am sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board. I was 18 when I got married and got preg. 4 months after we got married. I have a wonderful dh. Some days I wish I would have waited to get married and start a family (usually when we are disagreeing) and some days I know why I did it and am happy with the way things came about (minus the m/c). It sounds like you are really smart and know what you are doing in life. There are days when it is hard (I am 22 now) and I think 'what was I thinking' but mostly it is enjoyable. If you are planning on finishing school I would say do that first and then have children. I am signing up now and it is REALLY hard with a two year old. Just think you do have to study, you do have to leave your child, and if you are working and going to school when would you see your child? It is up to you and I know you will make the best decision that you feel is right for you. Good luck on whatever you decide and I hope you decide to come back and join us. Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 2:48pm
I have just suffered a miscarriage as well, however I'm 10 years older than you. I think that no matter what your age, you will feel a loss that is so overwhelming you're just not sure how to fill the void. The emptiness comes in waves and you mourn the loss of all of the hopes and dreams that you came to know.

However, you have SO MUCH going for you right now. You should get your degree and let your boyfriend get his. Also, let him demonstrate his committment to you by getting engaged or married. Having two children of my own, I can't express to you how much responsibility children are. Also, you can't guarantee a perfectly healthy child. Are you prepared financially and emotionally for the possibility of caring for a child with special needs on your own? Special needs doesn't have to be a serious defect either. You are young enough that your chances of early delivery are higher than someone in their 20s. My kids both had GERD (reflux) and demanded hourly nursing, special medicine, many docotrs trips (EXPENSIVE), and very few hours of sleep or time to myself. You need to think of how the responsibilities of a child would interfere with your studies.

Keep the desire to be a mom alive! You will be a fantastic one someday. All babies need moms who really, really want them. However, prepare yourself to be the best mom that you can be. Make a plan, prepare yourself, and some day a beautiful little miracle will be so lucky to call you mom.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Avatar for jewles73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 10:06pm
Let me start off by saying that I am very sorry for your loss... I totally understand the need/feeling to replace what was lost. I am 30 years old and my oldest DD is getting ready to turn 13... I was 16 when I got pregnant with her and 17 when she was born. Her Dad and I broke up before her 1st birthday...basically because of immaturity...mine and his. Although I loved my baby more than anything, I couldn't help resenting her Dad for how much my life had changed...in my eyes his life was pretty much the same.

We did have a roof over our heads but my parents made the decision to not do too much for me...I thought that they were being jerks at the time, but later (much later) I realized that they were teaching me to be a parent... how to sacrafice pretty much everything for your child. The hardest lessons seem to turn out to be the most important ones that you'll ever learn.

I left school my junior year to have my baby...then started working full time when she was a few months old. My sister babysat for me for $50 a week...sounds cheap until you factor in diapers, clothes, food, formula, gas...etc. I remember thinking..."...I'm 17 and have the life of a 30 year old!!!" I lost most of my friends because we no longer had anything in common... They didn't understand why I couldn't just drop everything to go hang out... In some ways I was jealous of their lives... I remember when they quit inviting me to parties because they knew that I wouldn't be able to make it anyway...it hurt even though they were right.

I know that I tried my best to be a good Mom but feel very guilty when I think about what we've been through... I feel like my daughter was "cheated" in some ways... mainly because I wasn't emotionally ready for her... I don't think I appreciated the gift that I was given at that time. We didn't "plan" to have her...but I definitely wanted her once we found out...I just wish that I would have appreciated the pregnancy, birth and everything that follows.

I often think about how things could have been different if only I would have waited. I really wouldn't change anything about having her... I just wish I would have known how to be a better Mom. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I knew then what I know now...

sincerely, Julie

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 4:43pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes you are young, but I think it is perfectly normal to grieve the loss of your baby. No matter where you are in life, there is no denying that a life was lost. Your situation might not be the most ideal for bringing a child into the world. But, your situation does not invalidate your grief.

You might find people will say things, trying to be helpful, that only add to your hurt. It might be too much to expect everyone to understand how you are feeling. I do hope you can talk to your parents or a close friend about what you are going through. As a parent myself, I know I would want to help my daughter no matter what situation she was in. Also, as I have had two m/c myself, I can tell you that the pain will ease over time. However, I have not forgotten my babies. Can I direct you to a website that is dedicated to helping women deal with lost pregnancies? It is called glorybabies.com. God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 2:07am
I understan what you are talking about. I cant say i know how you feal because every one has different tipes of emotional sets. But I was 10 weeks along and i miscarried a week ago. i am only 19 but i have been trying for 3 years and the first time i got pregnant i lost it. My little sister just turned 17 and she i 4 months along, the babys dad does not even talk to her any more, they were togeater for 9 months and then he dumped her before he found out about the baby. If you truley want a baby you must try again, i know that sounds like a bad thing to say because you wanted this baby but just imagen what you would be missing if you just gave up. good luck and keep me posted ok.

Thanks for listining. If you have any advice for me send it ok

Michelle Michellefye@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 10:31pm
Girlfriend - I just have to respond! It is a great joy to share a baby with the man you love. However, as I'm sure everyone else is saying (I have not read them) having a baby is a HUGE stress, financial, emotional and real sex killer!! So, enjoy this time you are having now. I had my first child at 29 and am continually glad that I waited, though having him is the best. Take this time to study, party, go out, be carefree because husbands and babies will come! Nothing will replace the feeling you have for your first pregnancy, even another baby. Grow and learn about yourself now and it will make you a better mother later, and that is the best gift you can give to any of your children

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