New, confused, lost, could really use some help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
New, confused, lost, could really use some help
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 7:56pm
Here's some background: almost 4 years ago I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter. First of all, she was a TOTAL surprise. Second of all, I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. Yep, 6 1/2 months. I know I know, how didn't I know? Wasn't I at all suspicious? Ive heard them all, and no, I wasn't. No clue. Never had regular cycles, used to work so much I never ate and had stopped working so I was eating regularly (thought it explained the weight gain), and I never really had morning sickness. I got sick a few times, but I just thought I was sick. Anyways, shes the best thong that has ever happened to me. I never wanted kids. I like them, but I never wanted to be pregnant. Absolutely terrified. Now, totally different story.

My husband and I decided to start trying September/October '09. We got pregnant right away. We were so happy! I had all the symptoms. Felt like crap!! Then we went to the doctor (2 days after my birthday, mind you) and there it was. Bam! They weren't able to detect anything on an ultrasound. (There were some concerns about my hcg levels and that's why I was having the ultrasound) We were stunned. It didn't help that the doctor literally said he was going to give us a moment alone, and when he came back and I was asking questions, HE HANDED US A PAMPHLET. Granted, I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could, but still. Really bad experience. I went home, hugged my daughter till she got sick of me, cried, and slept. Then I was faced with the decision: natural m/c or D&C? My husband works a lot and I stay home with our daughter. I was terrified if having a natural m/c by myself. I was terried what it was going to be like, losing my mind infrint of my daughter, etc. The doctor said that if nothing happened in a few days and I didn't want to do it naturally, call and I'd get in. Called, husband and I went to hospital for the out patient procedure, had it done, lost my mind only briefly, and went on with my life. (Sidenote: I do not deal with stuff well. I like to bury it deeeeeeeeep down and deal with it on my own. Healthy, I know.)

About 2 weeks went by, thought I was getting on with my life, and BAM!! horrible, WICKED abdominal pains. A few terribly painful hours later, I ended up in the hoapital having ANOTHER D&C. Oh, did I mention IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS EVE?!?!

Now, as I said before, I've never had a regular cycle. After the D&Cs, it took a few weeks to get one and after that it was back to irregular cycles. VERY frustrating when you're ttc.

Currently, I'm late by about 4 or 5 days. I've found that I'm in a bit of a wicked cycle. If I'm NOT pregnant, then I'm "broken" and I'm tired of trying to keep track of my baby making things. If I get my period, then I have a 40+ day cycle. Then there's if I AM pregnant... what if I have to go through this again? I reaaaaaaally don't think I can "deal" with it again. Mommy would have to go on a vacation.

I'm really looking for some advice. I don't no anyone who is in my same boat. Thanks to anyone who is reading this and much thanks to anyone who can give me some words of advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2011
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 12:19am

I'm so sorry for your loss (((Hugs))). I'm not in your exact same boat but I def know what it's like to feel like you want to give up. It all can be so overwhelming sometimes & it does do terrible things to your mind that's for sure. We all have those brief moments of break down & then someone comes along & helps us pick up the pieces to move on. Keep your head up, you know what you want so don't quit till you get it! Sticky

Lilypie Trying to Conceive 21 to 37 day cycle tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-1999
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 12:22am

Hi there,

I am so sorry for your loss.

As far as your successful pregnancy one of my best friends had no idea she was pregnant until the 5th month, and then she only found out because she went in for her annual exam.




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 9:02am
Hi, I'm sorry for your loss, I'm not in the exact same boat either, but guess what - I AM someone else who buries stuff deep so I don't have to deal!

You've found a wonderful group of women here that are very supportive. I also am curious as to what you are tracking (the things Courtney mentioned).

Hoping that you are indeed preggo again, and if you are, PAL would be the perfect place (like Courtney said) to ask questions about all those new fears that come with being pregnant after a loss.

Best of luck to you!

Powered by

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
Fri, 02-18-2011 - 9:37am
Thanks guys :)

As for how I've been keeping track, I tried ovulation tests, but because my cycle can be all over the place I used the ones you pee on every day. The doctors don't seem to have any concerns in particular. I think they think I'm just impatient, which I am, and they keep telling me to track my periods and wait it out. I'm not good at waiting things out.

I used to think naturally not getting my period all the time was a BLESSING! I took a test last week sometime because I had one left from a 2 pack. It was negative. I'm trying to breathe, count to 10 , and wait awhile longer until I take another one.

Heres the other thing that has slowly been driving me insane: since I didn't know I was pregnant with my daughter until so late in the pregnancy, I signed up for all these baby websites last winter (before the m/c) to help answer my questions and put in when my due date was and everything. Well, guess what comes in the mail every month and I get emails from almost every other week? Yep... There's nothing quite like getting mail with "Your baby is _____ months old". My husband tries to throw them out if he sees them first, but I've tries unsubscribing with no luck. Slow torture!

Thank you so much for all your responses!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 4:53pm

Yes, its very scary to deal with the possibility of a loss again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Sat, 02-26-2011 - 12:09am

My story is different but the end is the same with no baby. I had an ectopic and it was a rollercoaster ride with multiple ER visits. I am surprised your doctor won't try to get you on a regular cycle especially when you are TTC. I think they can do that. I've always had regular cycles so not 100% sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 2:15pm
I know it must be terrible for you, sorry for your loss. we lost our little angel at 9 1/2 weeks. I couldnt believe I had m/c has I have 2 healthy girls, however I am 40 and my youngest is 13.

I too really wanted a baby and am ttc I've never be scared in my life, but now I am. its only been 4 weeks and I have had no period so every couple of days I take a test and hope, but I think i am just torturing myself.

I'm trying to keep it secret too and also if i get pregnant, because I think the worse of all was when ppl asked if i was ok and they didnt know we had lost our baby.

I really feel for you and hope you have all the luck and blessings in the world and you will soon maybe write again and give us all hope too.

I have emails sayin about how many months the baby would be too,some companies are really good and if you explain they remove you from their data banks. others have emailed back saying it goes out auotomatic. again sorry for your loss xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 7:19pm

I think the previous posters summed up the advice and questions pretty well. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you & hoping for the best for you!


Daisypath Anniversary tickers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 10:50am

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses :( I had one of my m/c's on the day before Easter last year, so I know how much it stinks to be at family functions and have to feign happiness when all you want to do is scream and cry. I don't have much advice for you either, but just wanted to say that cycles can be wacky sometimes. I had a super long cycle that lasted about 60 days with no ovulation in sight. If you're like me (impatient and control freak), you could try temping and using OPKs so you can gain as much knowledge about your body and cycles as you can. There's lots of women here who do both and can give you advice.

((Hugs)) I hope you get that sticky BFP soon!