Newbie with a ? about grieving...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Newbie with a ? about grieving...
7
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 6:07pm
Hi all. I don't know if this is the right place to post or not. But I guess my question is...is it normal for me to still be kind of emotional about losing my baby (m/c) 2 years ago? My husband and I have since divorced, but we did have 1 child - she's 9 now, and I am fortunate to be able to enjoy her completely since I homeschool her.

Today, though, she wanted to see what her step-mom's baby (she's expecting) looks like at 20 weeks. So, we got online and started researching. As I read through the information about how the baby was developing, a huge lump formed in my throat. I managed to hold back the tears, but I keep finding that I still long for the baby I lost.

Can anyone tell me WHEN the pain stops? When the longing stops? Do you ever completely heal?

I didn't know where else to post my question...none of the "loss" boards really seemed to be quite right. I hope you don't mind me posting here. For a long time, I belonged to the TTC board while I was trying to conceive Mackenzie (my angel). I guess I just feel more comfortable on the TTC boards than anywhere else.

Anyway, thanks in advance, for any insight you guys have.

J:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 11:28pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. My 9 yr old daughter shares your angel's name. I admire you for helping your daughter share in the excitement of her stepmom's pregnancy. What a wonderful big sister she will be with such a terrific mom to guide her.

My most recent miscarriage was in August, and we are TTC #3, but it seems to be taking longer than in the past. I still have a lot of sadness from that loss; especially since my due date just passed. I had my first m/c in '96 and I can tell you that there are still days (now almost 7 yrs later) that I am sad about that loss too. These were my babies and I feel like they were two very special individuals who I unfortunately never got the chance to meet. I think it's easier for me to deal with my first loss because I had a healthy baby after that...a wonderful son who would have never been had I not experienced that loss, but it still makes me sad. This second m/c has been harder for me for many reasons. I think there will always be a part of me that will miss those babies, a part that will never heal, but I don't think I spend as much time thinking about it as I used to. Certain things always remind me. My first loss was at Christmastime, and the holidays, ornaments and things always make me a little sad again. I remember talking to an older woman at one of my scrapbooking get togethers, and somehow we got on the subject of miscarriage (a friend had come over to ask how I was doing and this woman overheard the discussion), anyway I was a little surprised to see this woman's eyes fill with tears as she told me about her miscarriage almost 20 yrs ago. She said it was like nothing else she had ever experienced. I think it's perfectly normal to feel sad even years later. I wish you peace in your heart.

Hugs,

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 7:45am
I think that the grieving when you mc is a lot like losing a loved one unexpectedly before their time. You will probably always be a little sad when you think of them. The worst part is that the rest of the world who haven't ever had a mc can't possible understand. Lots of hugs to you!!!

Sophia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 10:41am
Hi, Its been almost 10 months since I had my m/c and I do find that little things set me off. Like one of my best friends found out she was preg a month after my m/c. She is having her baby Friday. Also my cousin found out she was preg about a month and 1/2 after my m/c and I went to her baby shower a couple weekends ago. So no I dont think it ever truly goes away. I go to bed praying that my baby would come visit me in my dreams so I can feel and touch and know him. I only had one dream about a month and a half after my m/c and it was SO real. I really do pray I will have one every night, but it never comes. I dont think anyone truly understands how we feel unless they have been through it. Many people think I am crazy because I still talk about it. They dont understand the only thing that helps me heal is to talk about it. So I am glad I have these wonderful ladies to talk about things with. ((hugs)) Crystal PS. Sorry I got to rambling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:41am
Anna,

Thank you so much for your response. It's such a comfort to know that something is not wrong with me that I still "grieve" for the baby I lost, 2 years after my miscarriage. My ex-husband's new wife expecting has been a huge slap. I'm not sure I've dealt with it well at all, but I have done the right things as far as my daughter is concerned. I only wish she could experience the process with ME rather than with her step-mom. I think part of what makes this more difficult is the jealousy I feel that I can't be the one to allow my daughter to hear the heartbeat or feel the baby move and kick. I wanted so much to experience all those things about being pregnant again. So...I'm not sure I'm such a wonderful mother. But I DO try to take the high road and put my feelings aside for my daughter's sake. The irony of it all is that after the miscarriage, my ex-husband (whom I've only been divorced from for 9 months), said he hadn't wanted more children and wasn't willing to try again...then after the divorce, ran off into another woman's arms and got her pregnant. The irony of all ironies.

At any rate, thank you so much for responding. Knowing that you still long for your babies after months and years, and your story about the woman who still tears up after 20 years, were very comforting, for lack of a better word. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me.

God bless you!

JILL:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:44am
Sophia, you're so right...the rest of the world doesn't understand. Even other women - who haven't been through what we've been through - don't understand. But thank you so much for validating my feelings. I think that's what I needed...to know I wasn't crazy because I still cry sometimes, about the baby I lost 2 years ago.

Thank you for your response and support.

JILL:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 11:50am
Crystal, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm sorry about your loss, but I so appreciate you sharing it with me. You guys have helped me understand that I'm not crazy just because I still get sad and cry sometimes.

It is so hard to "celebrate" for others when they announce their pregnancy, and invite us to their showers, etc. I'll keep you in my prayers Friday as your best friend has her baby - which I know will bring you bittersweet feelings.

I think you're right...others don't really understand unless they've been there. Maybe I didn't stay on the boards long enough after I lost Mackenzie - I just didn't feel like I "fit in" anywhere, so after the miscarriage I quit posting altogether. That may have been my biggest mistake...not getting the support then that I needed.

Anyway, I'm so grateful you guys are supportive now! Thank you so much!

HUGS!

JILL:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:53pm
Hi Jill,

I'm glad you did post that here, b/c it just opened my eyes to the fact that I never let myself properly grieve. Reading everyone's stories just made me so aware of the emptiness I'm feeling. I have always loved children and have been feeling maternal since I was about 16. I am 26 now and have been married for 7 months. My husband and I both want a big family. I secretly prayed I'd come home from my honeymoon pregnant (although people were telling me to enjoy married life first for a year or two). When we somewhat accidentally got pregnant on Christmas, I was ecstatic (DH was more nervous than I, but came around). I started spotting one day and was so upset, thought I was going to have a m/c for sure, and it would have been easier if I did then. Then my doc ordered me to stay home and rest until further notice. Each week a little spotting continued, but I'd go for an ultrasound and labs and my hormones were increasing and the "sac" was growing accordingly & starting to look like a little ginger bread person (this went on for 4 weeks). I was given so much false hope by so many people (from friends & fam to medical staff). Anyway, the night before Valentine's Day I woke up with severe pains and hemmorhaging (sp??). My husband rushed me to the hospital & I spent our first Valentine's Day married in the hospital and my OB's office experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt. I was fortunately able to m/c w/out a D&C, which allowed me to get back to work sooner and not think about it so much. It had been a month since I'd been able to leave the house, so I was somewhat cheered up and occupied with errands and shopping and getting stuff done. I tried to keep happy and strong, but every so often I feel sooo empty. I also now have the worst fear that even if I can get pregnant again I may not be able to ever have a healthy baby. Like, I'm not going to let myself get excited until I'm 30 weeks. All my friends that married around me are either pregnant with their first or have new babies. I'm sooo happy for them, but so jealous at the same time. I have told everyone we're not trying again until the fall, b/c I can't deal to talk about it if I have another m/c. I used to listen to the song "Baby Mine" by Bette Middler on my drive to work every day and sing to my baby. I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to that song again.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but that felt really good. It's like having a journal you can secretly write to, but even better b/c people who have been through the same thing can respond.

I never thought of naming my angel before, but I'm sure she was a little girl. I had prayed so much to Mary when I was going through all that, that I bet I would've named her Mary.