Scared to TTC again...
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|Sun, 10-24-2010 - 3:08pm|
Hi, I'm Tee and I was over on the January 2011 EC and lost my baby on June 23rd (D&C on June 25th). This was my 2nd miscarriage and I've been really struggling with things this time. I was over on the Miscarriage board for a long time and I wasn't sure I even wanted to come over here. When we had our loss, we weren't even sure we wanted to TTC again, ever.
Right now, though, I want so much to TTC again. I definitely don't feel as though our family is complete. I've changed doctors (someone who has bedside manner AND a bit of a plan on "what to do next" and we're implementing part of that plan right now - CM Charting and baby aspirin). BUT, I'm still scared. I suppose it's not the act of TTC itself that is scary, but I'm scared of not getting pregnant, yet I'm also scared of getting pregnant again. I'm scared no matter what happens. I am NOT ready to let my dreams of another baby go. But, I'm terrified of becoming pg and then having to go through 40 weeks of fear of losing this baby again. After my first miscarriage, we breathed a HUGE sigh of relief once we got to 10 weeks with my DD. Once I got to that point, I calmed down a little bit. I still had some fear, but not the daily panic attack kind of fear.
With this last pregnancy that I lost, I breathed that sigh of relief at 6 weeks. I saw a heartbeat. I saw my little one in there doing just fine. I was nauseous. I was feeling wonderfully crappy. I got to that 10 week mark and I was still a bit nauseous (although it was tapering off, which I attributed to getting close to 2nd tri). Then I was hit at 12w3d with no heartbeat and an ultrasound showing no movement or heartbeat and that the baby had died just before 11 weeks. Now, I'm scared that if I do end up pg again, I'll spend my entire 1st tri, and most likely the entire pregnancy worrying about things. I told myself with the latest pregnancy that I was GOING to enjoy every moment of being pregnant because with my DD's pregnancy, I worried a lot. I told myself that I was NOT going to worry the same way. But, then with this latest loss, I don't know if I can do that again. I don't know if I can tell myself that I am not going to worry because apparently trying to stay calm and not worry didn't work either. But, I don't want to go through another pregnancy hating every moment of it and wishing it to be over.
I hate these feelings that are pulling me in all sorts of directions. I hate how miscarriage has jaded me. I hate how miscarriage has ruined my excitement and anticipation of adding to my family. I'm tired of disappointment both with infertility and miscarriage. I need the support of those who have gone through this, too. I've been there as a person who has experienced a loss, but now I'm a person who has gone through two losses - one without a diagnosis of infertility (but then went on to potentially have been dealing with infertility issues, as it took over a year to TTC my DD after my first loss) and one with a diagnosis of secondary unexplained infertility (2 years of TTC only to get pg and lose the baby).
I don't know if anyone else can relate. I just don't know that I can go through another loss and come out on the other side willing to fight to TTC again. Maybe I could, but I really don't know. But, considering how shaky we were in our thoughts about TTC again after this 2nd miscarriage, I really don't know how a 3rd loss would affect our lives. I know my husband and I have a wonderful relationship and we've really tried to carry one another through our losses and support one another and be helpful to one another through our grief, but I think if we were to suffer another loss, even though we'd lift one another up again, I don't think we have the strength to continue to put ourselves through that pain. Does that make sense?
I just am scared to TTC, knowing that my family doesn't feel complete, yet I really don't know that my family could endure yet another loss, emotionally. I know that's a risk we have to take to add to our family, but I'm not entirely sure how many times my heart can be ripped out, stomped on, and shattered into tiny pieces.
Can anyone share how they've moved past this fear of another loss, yet fear of not getting pregnant? Is this normal to have all those fears?