Taking a leap of faith and jumping in
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 09-26-2010 - 12:15am|
*warning: pregnancies and children mentioned*
**warning: I love to talk!*
I've debated with myself for several days about coming out of lurkdom. I've been told several times that I need to move on and stop feeling the way I do - what is, is and what will be, will be...besides I already have children so I really don't have anything to complain about or any right to grieve for my losses. Ya...made me want to smack some faces. :(
But that does sink in a bit. I've been lurking here since May 2009 after the first miscarriage - this round of ttc. If it wasn't for finding this board and the warmth/understanding I felt even from just lurking, I'm not sure I would have been able to pull myself out of the gut-wrenching grieve and depression I went through at that time.
A little background - ttc difficulties and miscarriages are not new for us. When ttc wasn't the magical easy thing that happened after my hubby and I were married, we sought answers. I was told that I could never conceive and if by some miracle I did, I'd never carry them to term. In perfect hindsight I probably should have sought more answers and better help. But I was young and ignorant...I didn't even know there were specialists in this field and the ob I was seeing then never enlightened us. Though to be honest we probably could never have afforded it then anyways. I had 3 miscarriages before conceiving our oldest...and to be fair to the doc I didn't carry her to term. She was born 5 weeks early after a little over 10weeks of preterm nightmares including 3 weeks in the hospital.
To make a long story short...in all of our ttc journeys I've suffered 5 other m/cs, been on 3 rounds of clomid, months of progesterone, tried various herbal remedies, and have had 5 more children.
At this point you can go ahead and think all the things that everyone else is telling me...I've heard it all. I hope though that I've found the helpful welcoming place (despite some of the disagreements that have gone on in the past) that I think I have. I know that I have 6 beautiful children...that doesn't mean I don't have love for more nor that I didn't want all the losses any less. And the losses don't get any easier.
We've been ttc again for almost 2 years...lost the first time in May 2009 like I said...lost a second 2 days after Christmas last year...and have had nothing but disappointment since. We tried a round of Clomid last cycle...end of July. No go. Doing a second round, higher dose this cycle.
Since the m/cs I've found out that I had adrenal fatigue and estrogen dominance. I also suspect that my family has the gene defect that causes problems with absorbing folic acid/B vits...and can cause clotting issues (MTFHR...I can never remember the exact order of the letters). My mom finally told me that she was treated for clotting issues during her pregnancies - love ya mom, but it kinda would have been nice to have known that 15yrs ago!! My doc would love to test, but insurance won't cover and there's no way we could afford $300-$500 each for the different tests. I went ahead though and started taking methylfolate and methylB12. In the past I could never take the regular Bs without migraines and upset stomach. The methyls have made a huge difference! I also try to follow an adrenal healthy diet...again huge difference. My depression dropped and my energy increased. Yet still problems ttc. :(
We then discussed the possibility of estrogen dominance. I've been on progesterone suppliments since April...from cd17/18 till cd35 if AF doesn't arrive before then. Doc feels that should have leveled things out. Didn't...so now we're trying Clomid. I did my own research...was also doing research on behalf of my brother who had been diagnosed with testiclular cancer. I found a wonderful suppliment that is having great success with hormone based cancers. It's an estrogen metaboliser called DIM. I was only able to try it for about a month before going on clomid...but that month was almost "normal". I probably should have postponed the clomid and tried to see what happened, but we've had great success with Clomid in the past and I was anxious to have some ttc success.
This second round of clomid has been a nightmare. I don't know if it's the higher dose...and this is all normal. But I've had the worst sinus infection of my life, 2 weeks of abdominal pain after finishing the dose, headaches from he**, IBS flairs and a kidney stone. Maybe it was all coincidence...but we've decided that if this doesn't work this time, then we're going to stop the active ttc...at least until the holidays are over.
That's why I decided to come out of hiding. I've finding myself terrified to face the possibilities. Not just another negative...but even the possible positive. Doesn't that sound crazy? I want my last little love so bad that my arms ache...and yet I'm terrified to take an hpt. Technically I'm not supposed to test until CD35...which usually isn't a problem for me because I can't stand seeing negatives...I'm at CD26. But my progesterone runs out later next week. Monday is the only day that my hubby (who by the way is my best support...he's not the one telling me to get over it)can pick up a new order. I don't want to pay the $50+ if this is all going to be a bust again. I don't mind paying it though if it's going to be used for a pregnancy. Does that all make sense? So hubby and I decided to do ahead and test Monday morning...I'll be CD28 and should be 11-13dpo.
So I'm finding myself needing to reach out a bit. Even though hubby is supportive, he doesn't completely understand my fears and anxiety. It'll be hard enough to face a neg and stopping the active ttc...but he really can't understand my fear of a pos. I've started having anxiety flashbacks to the quiet ultrasounds and then the D&Cs. Does any of this make sense...or am i as crazy as I feel half the time?
K...after all of that...do you mind if I stay? (told you I like to talk :) )