Taking a leap of faith and jumping in

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Taking a leap of faith and jumping in
8
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 12:15am

*warning: pregnancies and children mentioned*
**warning: I love to talk!*

I've debated with myself for several days about coming out of lurkdom. I've been told several times that I need to move on and stop feeling the way I do - what is, is and what will be, will be...besides I already have children so I really don't have anything to complain about or any right to grieve for my losses. Ya...made me want to smack some faces. :(

But that does sink in a bit. I've been lurking here since May 2009 after the first miscarriage - this round of ttc. If it wasn't for finding this board and the warmth/understanding I felt even from just lurking, I'm not sure I would have been able to pull myself out of the gut-wrenching grieve and depression I went through at that time.

A little background - ttc difficulties and miscarriages are not new for us. When ttc wasn't the magical easy thing that happened after my hubby and I were married, we sought answers. I was told that I could never conceive and if by some miracle I did, I'd never carry them to term. In perfect hindsight I probably should have sought more answers and better help. But I was young and ignorant...I didn't even know there were specialists in this field and the ob I was seeing then never enlightened us. Though to be honest we probably could never have afforded it then anyways. I had 3 miscarriages before conceiving our oldest...and to be fair to the doc I didn't carry her to term. She was born 5 weeks early after a little over 10weeks of preterm nightmares including 3 weeks in the hospital.

To make a long story short...in all of our ttc journeys I've suffered 5 other m/cs, been on 3 rounds of clomid, months of progesterone, tried various herbal remedies, and have had 5 more children.

At this point you can go ahead and think all the things that everyone else is telling me...I've heard it all. I hope though that I've found the helpful welcoming place (despite some of the disagreements that have gone on in the past) that I think I have. I know that I have 6 beautiful children...that doesn't mean I don't have love for more nor that I didn't want all the losses any less. And the losses don't get any easier.

We've been ttc again for almost 2 years...lost the first time in May 2009 like I said...lost a second 2 days after Christmas last year...and have had nothing but disappointment since. We tried a round of Clomid last cycle...end of July. No go. Doing a second round, higher dose this cycle.

Since the m/cs I've found out that I had adrenal fatigue and estrogen dominance. I also suspect that my family has the gene defect that causes problems with absorbing folic acid/B vits...and can cause clotting issues (MTFHR...I can never remember the exact order of the letters). My mom finally told me that she was treated for clotting issues during her pregnancies - love ya mom, but it kinda would have been nice to have known that 15yrs ago!! My doc would love to test, but insurance won't cover and there's no way we could afford $300-$500 each for the different tests. I went ahead though and started taking methylfolate and methylB12. In the past I could never take the regular Bs without migraines and upset stomach. The methyls have made a huge difference! I also try to follow an adrenal healthy diet...again huge difference. My depression dropped and my energy increased. Yet still problems ttc. :(

We then discussed the possibility of estrogen dominance. I've been on progesterone suppliments since April...from cd17/18 till cd35 if AF doesn't arrive before then. Doc feels that should have leveled things out. Didn't...so now we're trying Clomid. I did my own research...was also doing research on behalf of my brother who had been diagnosed with testiclular cancer. I found a wonderful suppliment that is having great success with hormone based cancers. It's an estrogen metaboliser called DIM. I was only able to try it for about a month before going on clomid...but that month was almost "normal". I probably should have postponed the clomid and tried to see what happened, but we've had great success with Clomid in the past and I was anxious to have some ttc success.

This second round of clomid has been a nightmare. I don't know if it's the higher dose...and this is all normal. But I've had the worst sinus infection of my life, 2 weeks of abdominal pain after finishing the dose, headaches from he**, IBS flairs and a kidney stone. Maybe it was all coincidence...but we've decided that if this doesn't work this time, then we're going to stop the active ttc...at least until the holidays are over.

That's why I decided to come out of hiding. I've finding myself terrified to face the possibilities. Not just another negative...but even the possible positive. Doesn't that sound crazy? I want my last little love so bad that my arms ache...and yet I'm terrified to take an hpt. Technically I'm not supposed to test until CD35...which usually isn't a problem for me because I can't stand seeing negatives...I'm at CD26. But my progesterone runs out later next week. Monday is the only day that my hubby (who by the way is my best support...he's not the one telling me to get over it)can pick up a new order. I don't want to pay the $50+ if this is all going to be a bust again. I don't mind paying it though if it's going to be used for a pregnancy. Does that all make sense? So hubby and I decided to do ahead and test Monday morning...I'll be CD28 and should be 11-13dpo.

So I'm finding myself needing to reach out a bit. Even though hubby is supportive, he doesn't completely understand my fears and anxiety. It'll be hard enough to face a neg and stopping the active ttc...but he really can't understand my fear of a pos. I've started having anxiety flashbacks to the quiet ultrasounds and then the D&Cs. Does any of this make sense...or am i as crazy as I feel half the time?

K...after all of that...do you mind if I stay? (told you I like to talk :) )

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 5:25am
Of COURSE you can stay...welcome ((hugs)) I don't care if you have 80 kids. If you have it in your heart that your family is not complete than that's all I need to hear! Do I want my second less because I already have a child? Heck no! Getting and staying pregnant is all I think about almost all the time. I hope you don't have to stay long but we are so glad to have you...
Photobucket

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2008
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 6:28am

Hi! Welcome!



I'm new here too! But I want to second Michelle, you are most, most welcome.



I think many of the women here understand the yearning you described. And although we are grateful for our children, the yearning for another

B, loving wife to L. Proud Mum to William Luke (22 months) and expecting Samuel James in November. >

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 11:01am

Welcome and I'm so sorry for your losses.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:23pm

Thank you! :) I cried when I came back this morning and saw the welcomes. I think my anxiety convinced myself that even though I'd seen time and again how welcoming everyone is here...that somehow I didn't deserve the same.

I think I forgot to be polite and introduce myself instead of just my situation. :) My name is Hellena (though Hel and Hellen are more commonly used)...my hubby is RJ. I'm 37, he'll be 37 in Dec...and we've been married 15yrs end of Oct. If you don't mind I won't introduce our kidlets just now.

You're right...even though RJ is very supportive and he tries hard to understand...it doesn't compare to having the support and understanding of other women. :) Thank you! :)

I do chart temps and cm...I also chart ferning. That's how I knew things were so off balance. Except for last cycle...the progesterone didn't seem to effect cycle length in any appreciative way. My cycles since the last m/c have been all over the board...as have all the charting. The hope was that taking progesterone would balance out them...even if it interfered with O the first cycle. Last cycle...the first on clomid...was the only time I made it to CD35 and had to stop to start AF. This cycle I actually fudged and didn't start the progesterone until CD20...even though I'm pretty sure I Oed on CD14/15...just to be double sure. I probably messed things up, but it felt like the right thing to do.

Thanks again. I hope all of our stays here are short. :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:26pm

Thank you for coming out of lurking. We are glad you're here!

Please do stay and hang out here at TTCAM. We dont care what other people may say about you, how many kids you already have, how many medical conditions you might or might not have, or anything else. Thats not whats important. We are all here because we are united in our pregnancy losses, and together we want to help each other through the journey and the process of TTCing again.

I know what you mean about having flashbacks after your losses. I did too. It was really bad. I can completely relate to your feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression. For over a year I was also in a really dark, sad, desperate place. Now that I have gained some time and perspective, I am ready to help others along in the journey. I hope that we can encourage and support you, too.

Of course you're scared and nervous to POAS and test again. We can all understand that! Its going to be a big, significant result, whether it is negative or positive. It will take time and strength to get used to.

Im glad your DH is supportive of you, but he's a male, so he cant completely understand what youre feeling and going through. I hope that you can find other women in your life who do.

PS: I always remember the acronym for that blood clotting disorder (MTHFR) because it makes me think of "mother f......".



Photobucket


My Personal Blog: myhopeisin-you.blogspot.com
PhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucket



Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 1:30pm
PS: Have you ever posted here or on the PAL board before?
Your SN looks familiar to me... but maybe it is just similar to someone else's?


Photobucket


My Personal Blog: myhopeisin-you.blogspot.com
PhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucket



Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:32pm
I've been on iVillage message boards in the past...found the support while on bedrest with my first. I might have posted here or on PAL...but I can't remember for sure...I don't think so though. One of my children was diagnosed with a medical issue shortly after he was born and another board I frequented (not iVillage) turned out to be anything but supportive. After being attacked there and not being in a place to give support to others even on the message boards here, I stopped doing the message board thing for a while. After the May m/c I remembered how supportive iVillage had been and found this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 4:42pm
Well, regardless of whether this is your first post or your 57th, I am glad youre here :) And I hope you dont have to deal with any board drama or unsupportive people here at TTCAM either.


Photobucket


My Personal Blog: myhopeisin-you.blogspot.com
PhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucket



Photobucket