To try or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
To try or not?
12
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 11:21am

So I have a dilemma and need some advice.
I'm Erika.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 12:26pm
It's completely up to you what you end up deciding to do, but I had a friend in a similar situation where her DH at the time did NOT want to have another. He was adamantly against having another child. She wanted another. She did whatever she could to get that child. She thought the same as you - that he would embrace the baby once the baby was here. She went on to give birth, her DH at the time really did not want that baby, even once the baby came and now they are divorced and she's supporting her 3 kids pretty much completely on her own because now the father has become a dead-beat. He doesn't want to visit or pay for anything for any of them.

But, then again, that's their story, not yours. But, I just want to share that story with you. I really do think that planning an addition to a family should be a joint decision.

If it makes you feel any better, My DH and I talked for several years after our daughter was born and occasionally one of us would be ready to add to our family, but the other one was not. We would revisit the topic every 6 months or so. Very often we were both not ready. Once DD turned 5, life had changed enough, our DD was a bit more independent, we were finally a bit more stable (not moving around constantly), and we both decided together that we were BOTH ready. It's made this journey a bit more tolerable. I think that without the full support of my husband, I couldn't handle TTC.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 7:03pm

Erika, I know that you'd love to have another child, and I know that you have been struggling with this desire for another baby for quie awhile. Im sorry that your DH isnt really on board with having another baby.I know that you would have the support of your parents if you had a baby while he was deployed, but I also knw\ow that being apart during that time, for such a major change in yoru lives, will not be easy for anyone in your family.

I cant tell you what to do, Ive never been in this situation. My DH has always given me the final say about when we should TTC. But I do know that if it were my husband, I know that he would be like the other poster said - detached from the pregnancy, ambivalent about the birth. I know that's just kind of how he is. He cant relate AT ALL to TTC stuff,charting, periods and cycles, pregnancy, childbirth, or any of that. But once the baby was here, he would get it excited, love it, embrace it fully and love that child more and more as s/he grows. If you are pretty sure that it would go that way with your DH too, I would talk it over with him one more time, then start to try.

Whatever decision you come to, I am confident that you will make the right one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 7:33pm

Thanks Nicole and Tee.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 8:01pm

Hi Erika and welcome back to TTCAM!!! (although, of course none of us really want to be here)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 10:25pm

ERIKA!!! I've missed you so much girl! It's so good to see you considering TTC. I don't have any advice as to whether or not you should try again. I know your DH is pretty ambivalent about the whole pg thing and how addictive TTC can be. I remember how the last m/c devestated you to the point of walking away from iV and such. it was so heartbreaking to watch what you were going through. Now I only lurk around here, mostly to be a cheerleader to my TTCAM sistahs.

Anyways... I'll always be a cheerleader for you and the rest of the girls on the board. I know you'll do whats best for you, your DH, and Bekah.

Lots of love and hugs.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 1:49am
Thanks Dina! I've missed iV a ton....with us not knowing what we're going to do as far as TTC it's been hard to come back. Please be sure not to mention this on FB just yet. Seeing as we're still deciding I don't want to start mentioning it until we get a +.

Thanks for your reply - I know how much cheerleaders are valued on these boards. :)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 9:57am

Erika, if it were me I would TTC anyway. Especially if you think that your DH would embrace the child once it was born. My DH was the same way about my losses and I think a lot of us can say that. If he was sad at all, he was sad because I was sad. He hates to see me that way but he doesn't think about the baby we lost at all. He would have to at LEAST see a heartbeat to even consider it a baby at all. Until then, he really just thinks of it as a chemical mishap.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 3:53pm

Erika, your DH sounds a lot like mine. And I know a lot of dads who love their kids once they are born and actually can see/hold/touch them, instead of it just being an abstract "thing" inside of his wife's tummy. So I think that Rob would be the same way too, once the baby was here. ALso, I have struggled with PPD after childbirth and I know how hard that can be on a marriage and a family, but you have to keep in mind that every pregnancy is different, and you guys are in a more stable place than you were back then, when Bekah was tiny.

I think I would go for it if I were you. Not trying to tell you what to do or anything :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 9:52am
Hi Erika, welcome back to ttcam. I'm sorry for your losses. I remember you from PAL when I was there last year, don't know if you remember me though cuz I didn't post a lot - only my fears which came true at 35w1d when I lost my baby. (I used to be praying4baby2010)

My opinion on ttc again is go for it - especially if you seem to get pg easily, you said the first few months were hard on you two anyway, and if he'll be gone and you'll have help, then that seems pretty ideal.

If you're wanting another child, I don't think that "want" is just going to go away, so I say go for it!

Good luck!




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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 10:22pm

Hi Torie -

I do remember you.

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