Does anyone mind an OT vent about DF?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Does anyone mind an OT vent about DF?
4
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:24pm

Ok, you all know me pretty well. And I feel comfortable with all my buddies here, so this is the place I am choosing to vent about DF. Please be patient with me..because I ramble!


He and I met almost 5 yrs ago. I was still legally married to my now ex husband,( but we had been living apart for a year, just never got around to the divorce proceeding part of it. But for all intents and purposes we considered ourselves not married.) DF was married, very unhappily, going thru alot because the now ex wife had said she wanted a divorce. She told him her feelings changed and that she wanted him to go and be with someone else and maybe her feelings for him would come back. Talk about a blow! So, ok he makes arrangements to move out. The weekend before he moves out, he meets me.The following weeks are a bunch of he said she said triangle type crap...He even moves back home at one point. Then, he finds out that she may have been cheating behind his back. This sets the ball rolling once again, and he files divorce papers. This time it goes thru and they divorce. That August I get pregnant with my 14month old, which he also wanted. Eventually we buy this house and move in together. The ex wife takes their boys and moves to Florida. This is where my vent starts: All I hear is how rotten my older two kids are and how his boys would NEVER act the way my kids do. He does NOTHING with my older two kids, doesnt include them in anything at all. Not that its his responsibility, but we are living together as a family now, so he should be making SOME compromise. All he talks about is the chaos here from all the kids, and how he cant handle it. He says they "act like jerks" and he has never seen anything like it. Mind you, they just act like NORMAL kids, nothing different, but according to him, his kids never talked back, never yelled, never fought with each other or their parents, nothing! The last time we fought he actually blamed me for her taking the kids and moving to Florida!!


Last June, before we moved in together, I had noticed things seemed suspicious, ie,,him saying he was tired and going to sleep at 6pm because he had been working overtime. I got suspicious and drove to his house, his truck wasnt there, so I waited with my then 3 week old daughter. When he returned, to my shock, there was a woman driving his truck and he was in the passenger seat, as soon as he saw me, they turned around and left the complex. I tried to call him that night to find out what was going on to no avail. The next day I confronted him at his job and he told me she was merely a friend that lived in the complex that he gave a ride to the store and didnt feel like driving. The next day, at his apartment, the phone rings, and its the girl. I inform her who I am and whats going on. She asks to speak with him for a moment, of course I say no. Then she says, "well tell him I am coming to pick up my stuff" STUFF????? what stuff I say. She goes on to mention an overnite bag, sweats and a few other clothes....WTF?? He denies any of that exists. When threatened with the police coming with her to get her stuff, he tells me where it can be found. A black overnite bag, with sweats and other things like deodorant, perfume, etc...in it. Also in the closet is a pair of jeans and a shirt hanging UNDER a big winter coat so I couldnt see it. Mind you the size is 3X!!!! I told him sheesh if you are going to cheat, at least make it worth it with a girl who looks good! He keeps saying she was no more than a friend and that she brought clothes over there because she was having problems at home, but she never slept there. I approached her the next day, un beknownced to him, and she maintains the fact that she and he were just friends, and thats as far as it ever went. She also says she wanted to meet me on numerous occasions, but he said no, for fear of me keeping our girls from him. Let me also interject that she said she DID sleep over there on many occasions, and that she used to drive his truck to work, and then back to his house at 3 am when she got off. He had to be in work for 4, so she would just go upstairs and go to sleep. WHY would this woman who had FOUR children of her own, leave her children to sleep at someones house who was "just a friend"? To make this long ramble a bit shorter. I never believed the just a friend bit, and still have a hard time trusting every time he leaves. Not to mention like 3 other girls that lived in his building came out of the woodwork after this...apparently he would hang out and drink with them (when he was drinking) while I was pregnant with out youngest daughter. I knew none of this. They all confirmed that nothing had ever went on, just that he paid for everything when they hung out (they were about 25, he was 37...so he was the old fool who thought he was Mr. Cool!)


I have tried to get past all the dishonesty and mistrust but its so hard and it does cause arguements at times. I am also tired of him making his jabs about me not working and staying home all day. I cook for him, clean, wash his clothes, take care of the kids, single handedly buy everything OUR kids need. Any other man would be ECSTATIC to have someone do all those things, but not him. All I hear are negative comments about me not working, about how bad my kids are and our 3.5 yr old is taking after them, I hear how miserable he is, how depressed he is, how unhappy he is...its starting to affect MY mental health because he is practically telling me that its my fault. He wont come out and say it, but he makes it known how unhappy

Lilypie Baby Days
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 6:53am

{{{{{{{{{{{Linda}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:25am

Linda,


Sounds like he's being a real jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:01pm

Lynda-


I really know how you feel. I have some similar probs with my DH. I think we're finally getting over the hurdles, but it's been a long difficult road.


I've known my DH as a coworker for years before we got romantically involved. Right after he left his previous wife. Looking back, he obviously wasn't ready to jump right into a new relationship, but we did. My DS is his stepson and they have had a really rocky relationship. My DH thinks he's not well behaved because he tends to talk back. I think he's very respectful, but he's a talker and an arguer. A future lawyer! I finally told my DH that he was the man, my son was the child and that he (DH) had to take the high road and be mature or we weren't going to work. After 3 years I think it's finally happening.


I also don't work. My DH agrees with me that this is the best for our family, however he gets on these kicks every once in awhile about how much better off we would be if we had another income. He has also said, this one really irritates me, that because I just sit around the house all day I have too much time to obsess over my m/c and TTC. Who can sit around the house all day with a toddler?

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 11:11am

Thanks so much everyone for your responses.


Its just so hard to talk to family/friends in real life about things because they are all so preoccupied with their own things.


I really appreciate having you guys;-)


Thanks again!

Lilypie Baby Days Duck and Cover, here comes another!

Lilypie Baby Days